Primarily Speaking

Well, we're starting to get to that point in the presidential campaign where enough people are running, or fixing to run, that it's the return of Primarily Speaking, your regular round-up of presidential primary news reported with eleventy biebillion fucktons of snark and exclamation points! Plus cool Photoshops like this shit:

image of Rick Perry making a stink-face photoshopped into the corner of an otter making a stick-face while eating a pice of watermelon


On the Democratic side, we've got Hillary Clinton, who will reportedly announce her candidacy this weekend.

And then there's Vice President Joe Biden, who has not announced whether he will run for president, but is the center of a "Draft Biden" campaign that features him in a Corvette with the tagline "I'm Ridin with Biden." Hoo boy.

And then there's former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley, who seems like a nice enough bloke but couldn't manage to help his successor win election in his blue state (whoooooops!), and whose name I cannot hear without imagining him behind a patriotic podium during a primary debate, shouting at Hillary Clinton: "I like to kick! Streeeeeetch! And kick! I'm FIFTY!"

And then there's Senator Bernie Sanders, who is a socialist (uh-oh!) ("That's like a Communist, right?"—Most of America) and still trying to figure shit out.

And then there's former Republican and current Democrat Lincoln Chafee, who at least gets points for not appearing in front of a US flag and not saying "God Bless America" in his exploratory announcement. He also wasn't wearing a flag lapel pin, so he might also be a Communist.

And then there's Senator Jim Webb, who can go suck an egg because he is terrible.

So: Hillary Clinton and a bunch of straight white dudes. Neat!

On the Republican side, there have already been a couple of official announcements: Senator Ted Cruz, who is the worst, and Senator Rand Paul, who is the worst.

Senator Marco "Thirsty Jerk" Rubio, who is the worst, is expected to officially announce his candidacy on Monday, one day after Clinton announces, so this guy clearly knows how to win a news cycle.

And the prominent contenders currently exploring possible candidacies include: Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who is the worst; Dr. Ben Carson, who is the worst; New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is the worst; former New York Governor George Pataki, who is the worst; former Texas Governor Rick Perry, who is the worst; former Senator Rick Santorum, who is the worst; Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who is the worst; garbage nightmare Donald Trump, who is the worst; former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, who is the worst; Senator Lindsey Graham, who is the worst; and jettsetting job-killer Carly Fiorina, who is the worst.

Sooooooo, it's shaping up to be quite a field!

My favorite primary headline of the day has got to be this one at CNN [video may autoplay]: "Rand Paul admits to 'short temper.'" Nooooooo lol. I hadn't even noticed! What with all the screaming at female reporters and all.

In a nod to how genteel the Republican primary is definitely totally for sure going to be this time 'round, Senator Lindsey Graham's strategy is apparently going to be "Take Down Rand Paul." Ha ha cool! COOL STRATEGY.

Meanwhile, Senator Ted Cruz is a lying liar, and he's not even good at it. In fairness, the reason he has not developed this skill is because he usually speaks to audiences who are very stupid and believe everything he says.

And finally: Rick Santorum is living it up in Iowa, where he's really making a great case for voting him off the island. [CN: War; Islamophobia] "He said unlike in 2012, national security and foreign policy will be primary issues in 2016. He stated that he called out President George W. Bush, as well as President Barack Obama, for not identifying the threat the United States faces with radical militant Islam." Yeah, if there's one criticism I have of Bush and Obama, it's that they haven't dropped enough bombs on Muslims under the auspices of protecting us from radical militant Islam.

If that doesn't convince you of Santorum's fine presidential credentials, he also promised to be "winsome." CASE CLOSED, YOUR HONOR!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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