The Walking Thread

screencap from the latest episode of The Walking Dead, in which faces are covered by Mr. Yuk stickers and zombie heads are covered by cartoon images of a puppy, kitten, bunny, and turtle
The Happiest Place in the Zombiepocalypse!

(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein.)

Hey! Speaking of spoilers! My favorite part of last night's episode was how The Walking Dead ruined its own cliffhanger by showing Daryl in the end-of-episode preview of the second half of the season. Good job, The Walking Dead! Another fine moment of television excellence.

My second favorite part of last night's episode was the raging case of hiccups I couldn't shake.

Grimes: Something something paternalistic and condescending.

Liss: HIC!

Governor Niam Leeson: Something something I'm a grody creepazoid.

Liss: HIC!

Anyway. When last we left our intrepid totally trepid bands of Grimes Gangses, Grimes Gang 1.0 was about to bust into Unpleasantville to rescue Glenn and Maggie from Grimes Gang 2.0. And, lo and behold, they actually accomplished their mission! GOOD FOR YOU, GRIMES GANG 1.0!

Except whoooooooooooooops the black prisoner whose name I never learned from the show and not for lack of trying (but it is Oscar), to whom I cynically referred last week as "future corpse," ended up dead. How sad for everyone except the writers of The Walking Dead who love to kill black characters as much as they love to masturbate to scenes of Rick Grimes pointing a gun at someone and monologizing about his responsibility to "my people." Probably.

But never fear! By the usual Walking Dead math, -1 black person = +1 new black person! So, after losing T-Dog and Oscar, Tyreese and Sasha show up—who I understand were important characters in the comic that showed up much earlier the story in the source material.

And who did not AT ALL react with what would have been a natural outburst of sustained laughter at the emergence from a darkened jail tunnel of a stoic tween in a cowboy hat brandishing a rifle and barking at them to follow him like he's King Shit of Fuck Mountain! I mean, sure, it's the zombiepocalypse, but they're only HUMAN.

Carl the Hat: Come with me, adults! And pay no attention to the silly hat perched upon my head! It does not diminish my authority in the absence of my father, Optimus Patriarch!

Liss: HIC!

Obviously Carl the Hat locks them in a cage, and when Sasha quite reasonably protests, Tyreese tells her to pipe down. Welcome to Grimes Gang 1.0, Tyreese! Looks like you'll fit right in!

Elsewhere in the prison, Mustache Prisoner skeeves on Hershel's 17-year-old daughter. Carol tells him to get to fuck, and he says he's hard up because she's a lesbian, as evidenced by her short hair. Carol tells him she's not a lesbian, because why would any sensible woman want a hot piece like Old Handlebar Mustache Head mistakenly thinking she's not sexually available? Carol immediately realizes her mistake.

Mustache Prisoner: You're not a lesbian? That's interesting.

Carol: No it isn't.

Liss: HIC! LOL!

Meanwhile, over in Unpleasantville, fighting and stuff as Grimes Gang 1.0 extract Glenn and Maggie. Michonne takes a detour to kill Governor Niam Leeson, and discovers his fuckquarium collection and his zombie daughter, whom she kills in spectacular fashion. She also jabs the Guv'nah in the eye with a piece of glass, which is pretty cool I guess except for the fact that he's still not dead.

Andrea, despite having now discovered she sorta looks like his dead wife, that he kept his zombie daughter in a straightjacket and chains, and that he has a nifty fuckquarium full of chompy zombie heads, still stands by her man, and almost kills Michonne, but then lets her go, freeing her up to go get yelled at by Grimes. UGH THAT GUY. SHUT UP, GRIMES!

Daryl gets captured, and Governor Niam Leeson, who is unhappy with Merle—who reported having killed the woman who just macheted the fuck out of his zombie daughter's brainpan—declares Merle a traitor and pits the two brothers against each other. Which would have been quite a cliffhanger if THIS SEASON: PART TWO hadn't included a clip of Daryl running on a hill with his bow. Whoops!

Well, I guess at least we don't know if he manages to kill Merle. I bet SOMEBODY kills Merle! I hope it's Daryl.

Merle, you only have yourself to blame! I told you to git!


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