The Walking Thread

"Why do I have to put up with the rest of these people?"

(Spoilers are taking calls on a rotary phone herein.)

You guys, how great would it be if Daryl and Carol got their own spin-off? Leaving Grimes Gangs 1.0 and 2.0 in the literal dust as they peel off into the sunset on Daryl's hog? "Fuck all y'all! I'm Daryl and me and and Carol are gonna go hook up with Colin Farrell at the headquarters of NARAL and then go over Niagara Falls in a barrel! SEE ya!" Cue wacky theme music. Because it's a sitcom, obviously.

Until THAT HAPPENS, however, we are stuck splitting our time between Zombie Prison and our timeshare at Unpleasantville. Yay. Said no one.

At Zombie Prison, Grimes is losing his mind while taking imaginary phone calls on a dusty rotary phone that is probably plugged into his own butt, because he's convinced he can save everyone AND double as a telephone transformer. Ghost Lori tells him to get his shit together, and he tells her whooooooooooooops he was waiting to get them safe before not treating her shit. Great plan, chief. Your excellence in decision-making continues to inspire.

Daryl tells Carl a touching story about how his mom burned herself to a crisp with a Virginia Slim. From underneath his comically large hat, Carl points out that at least Daryl didn't have to shoot his mom to stop her turning into a zombie. Good point, kid! Daryl should have taken that moment to Katniss the fuck outta Carl, to send him off on a high note.

Something something Hershel. Glenn and Maggie go on a run for formula and bullets. They make out. I might have thought it was sweet if I wasn't fuming at Glenn for failing to murder Grimes and take control of the situation so this ragtag group of assholes can finally have a leader with a consistently level head.

Meanwhile, in Unpleasantville, Governor Niam Leeson and Andrea have sex, and it is so gross. Because he is suuuuuuuper creepy. And she is a weirdo who wants to do sexytimes with sociopaths like Shane and Governor Niam Leeson. Eugh. Get me outta here.

Speaking of getting outta there, Michonne is somewhere in the wilderness between Unpleasantville and Zombie Farm, and she leaves just a really excellent code that everyone would definitely figure out in zombie body parts for Merle and his gang of miscreants who are chasing her. They do not heed her warning to "Go Disembodied Torso," and eventually catch up to her, where a fight ensures and she is expectedly kickass. Merle does manage to put a bullet in her leg, though, just before he puts a bullet in the head of one of his compatriots who questioned his authority.

Welp, you'd better hope Michonne doesn't leave you any more gross but perfect dismemberment messages, because that brain you just exploded was the only one who could figure 'em out, Merle! You dumbass.

In typical WTF ARE YOU KIDDING ME fashion, Michonne finds her way to the abandoned Wev-Mart where Glenn and Maggie are making out. And then Merle shows up, and he takes them hostage because they won't tell him where his brother Daryl is. "Merle, Daryl is in a better place now, far away from your white supremacy and general surly demeanor! You've just got to let him be! Now git!" Merle does not consider that a compelling argument. Huh!

Michonne witnesses all this, and so then she goes and finds Zombie Prison. "Hi, I'm here! 'Zup, Grimes Gang 1.0?" Grimes dumps his baby which he'd been holding for all of two seconds and looks at her with his annoying Grimes face. The end.

Oh yeah—and Daryl found Carol. Because no doy she wasn't dead all along.


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