[Content Note: Pranks; bullying; hostility to consent; child abuse.]
Pranks are inherently predatory. The entire intent of pranking is to get one up on someone who is vulnerable, by virtue of their trusting the prankster because of an existing relationship or by virtue of being deliberately denied relevant information or by virtue of having an expectation of safety or security or normalcy. Pranks are also, by their very nature, hostile to consent, because most pranks don't work if the person being pranked is able to give enthusiastic consent to whatever is about to be done to and/or around them.
Taking advantage of someone for a laugh, betraying their trust for one's own amusement, is a shitty, bullying thing to do.
And when a parent does it to a child, it's abusive.
So it is that every year I rage*seethe*boil when Jimmy Kimmel's "parents prank their kids by telling them they ate all their Halloween candy" video goes viral. (He also has an equally terrible Garbage Christmas Present prank.) Here is a typical write-up of this year's video, headlined: "Jimmy Kimmel makes kids cry again with 5th annual Halloween candy prank."
And, naturally, the fact that he's "making kids cry" is supposed to be hilarious: "'I Told My Kids I Ate All Their Halloween Candy' challenge is back for its fifth year and it's better than ever. The Kimmel Show says they received a record number of submissions this year. Like the years before, the videos were filled with many tears, screams and tantrums. Watch the hilarious video..."
I watched the video, which I will neither post nor transcribe, and I did not not find it hilarious, because, as you well know, I am the Most Humorless Feminist in all of Nofunnington. And I seem to lack the circuit in my humor center that makes one laugh at image after image of tiny children being hoodwinked by their parents in the cruelest way, so those children can be the butt of a joke on national television.
One of the most casual forms of emotional abuse that parents commit on their children is the denial of their pain, because it seems trivial. It is crucial for parents to validate children's feelings, even and especially when they are upset. Here, parents set out to deliberately cause that "trivial" pain, and then laugh at their children experiencing it.
The thing about parents pranking their kids—and I cannot believe I need to write this—is that it fundamentally shatters children's security and trust in the idea that their parents will not harm them. (Which, in some of these families, may never have existed in the first place.) The takeaway for a child whose parents like to prank them is that their parent(s) might harm them, and no amount of "JUST KIDDING!" can fully repair the crack in the edifice of what should be an inviolable trust.
Parents who prank, tease, and ridicule their own kids, even if they're "just kidding," do so at the risk of their kids' ability to feel safe even in their own homes. That is not a risk any parent should be willing to take with a child.
And somehow, I don't imagine that "but I only did it so people could laugh at your despair on NATIONAL TELEVISION!" would bring a whole lot of comfort.
Parents—or other older family members, guardians, adult friends of the family—playing pranks on kids is also a dangerous communication—even if an unintentional one—that consent doesn't matter.
Kids who are taught by the adults they are meant to trust that consent doesn't matter are more likely to themselves be hostile to other people's consent. It's tough to, for example, convincingly teach your kid not to bully other kids while simultaneously teaching your kid that whether someone wants something done to them doesn't matter, as long as it's "funny."
And kids who are taught that consent doesn't matter are also more likely to have difficulty drawing boundaries for themselves, because they haven't learned they're even allowed to have inviolable boundaries. Particularly if a child's protests to pranking have been met with shaming that implies they're humorless or oversensitive or unfun, a child will also learn that speaking up on one's own behalf, in one's own defense, will yield more harm, rather than less.
Certainly, there are people who were pranked by their parents as kids who feel quite strongly they enjoyed the familial pranks and have no lasting effects from it. And maybe that is absolutely true for every one of those people, and maybe some of those people are less respectful of others' boundaries than they have really investigated. Either way, it's irrelevant.
The point is that parental pranking stands to communicate to a child that consent doesn't matter. And that is a very dangerous message to convey to anyone. Ever.
Stop it, parents. Just stop.
Showing posts with label Garbage TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Garbage TV. Show all posts
I Hate This Every Year
Insert Grunting Noises Here
[Content Note: Misogyny; patriarchy.]
Last night, Kenny Blogginz was telling me that he had watched some of Tim Allen's sitcom Last Man Standing (see also), and that it was even worse than his old show, Home Improvement.
Iain came to the States a few years after Home Improvement had left the airwaves, and has never seen Last Man Standing, so we were trying to explain Tim Allen's career to him. Care of YouTube, I showed him a piece of Tim Allen's famous stand-up special titled Men Are Pigs, and then we watched this amazing 14-minute supercut of every grunt from Home Improvement.
Iain just looked so confused, lol. I mean, how to explain that there is a very popular celebrity whose entire career is based on the idea that men are grunting animals? That he had a show which ran for eight seasons in which he just grunted and waa-barked and squealed, and people thought it was hilarious? And that now he has a show which is even worse?
The thing is, Tim Allen would be the first person to say that feminists are man-haters. But I can think of exactly zero feminists who have become multimillionaires on the premise that men are literally grunting animals who need to be tamed.
Pranks Are the Worst, Part Eleventy-Seven
[Content Note: Pranks; bullying; hostility to consent; child abuse.]
Pranks are inherently predatory. The entire intent of pranking is to get one up on someone who is vulnerable, by virtue of their trusting the prankster because of an existing relationship or by virtue of being deliberately denied relevant information or by virtue of having an expectation of safety or security or normalcy. Pranks are also, by their very nature, hostile to consent, because most pranks don't work if the person being pranked is able to give enthusiastic consent to whatever is about to be done to and/or around them.
Taking advantage of someone for a laugh, betraying their trust for one's own amusement, is a shitty, bullying thing to do.
And when a parent does it to a child, it's abusive.
So it is that every year I rage*seethe*boil when Jimmy Kimmel's "parents prank their kids by telling them they ate all their Halloween candy" video goes viral. (You may recall my previously writing about his equally stellar Garbage Christmas Present prank.) Here is a typical write-up of this year's video, in which one inevitably finds lines like, as here: "Keep your eyes out for the girl at 2:30, who is truly heartbreaking."
Heartbreaking is an appropriate word for what happens, which I will not post or transcribe. Suffice it to say that many of these kids—including the girl at 2:30 and the boy who admonishes his mom after she reveals she was just kidding, "Well, that's not very kind!"—are more decent human beings than their parents.
Kimmel says his show received "an avalanche" of submissions from parents willing to play this dirty trick on their kids.
The thing about parents pranking their kids—and I cannot believe I need to write this—is that it fundamentally shatters children's security and trust in the idea that their parents will not harm them. (Which, in some of these families, may never have existed in the first place.) The takeaway for a child whose parents like to prank them is that their parent(s) might harm them, and no amount of "JUST KIDDING!" can fully repair the crack in the edifice of what should be an inviolable trust.
Parents who prank, tease, and ridicule their own kids, even if they're "just kidding," do so at the risk of their kids' ability to feel safe even in their own homes. That is not a risk any parent should be willing to take with a child.
And somehow, I don't imagine that "but I only did it so people could laugh at your despair on NATIONAL TELEVISION!" would bring a whole lot of comfort.
Stop it, parents. Just stop.
FO, L&O:SVU
[Content Note: Racism; violence; rape culture; appropriation.]
Hey, remember when I wrote back in August about how the putrid Law & Order: SVU was planning a Very Special Episode intended to be a hugely inappropriate mash-up of Trayvon Martin's murder, Paula Deen's racism, and NYPD's stop-and-frisk policy...?
Welp, it aired last night, and surprise! It was contemptible garbage.
That fucking show.
This Is Terrible Advice and Do Not Take It
[Content Note: Sexual violence; rape apologia. NB: Marriages are not exclusively comprised of different-sex couples, nor exclusively of people who desire sex.]
As everyone knows, I am a huge fan of garbage television. (Seriously, it is all for which I have mental energy left at the end of a day of writing.) But some garbage television is Not Fun (for me; like what you like!) and while I could easily lose myself in a Ghost Mine marathon, I have never watched an episode of Real Housewives. Of any county or state. It's just not my scene.
So I have no idea who Melissa Gorga is, but evidently she is a Real Housewife of New Jersey, and she has just published an advice book [NOTE: Please see additional context discussed in comments] titled Love, Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage, which contains the following passage:
Men, I know you think your woman isn't the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says "no," turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated. Women don't realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.Nope. No. Wrong. Absolutely not. That is called spousal rape, and it is a crime.
Let's try this advice instead: Men, I know many of you think the Patriarchy is your friend, but, trust me, you are complex human beings who should not routinely be diminished, or diminish yourselves, as so thoroughly uncomplicated (and terrible) that the only thing it takes to make you happy is a sandwich and being allowed to rape your partner.
And this advice: Men, never rape your partner. Or anyone else. Ever.
What in Charlie Sheen Hell Is This?!
Below, the trailer for the new CBS fall comedy, We Are Men, in which "Four single guys liv[e] in a short-term apartment building [and] find camaraderie over their missteps in love":
Video Description: A young thin white man runs through traffic to burst into a wedding chapel in which a young thin white woman is at the altar getting married to another young thin white man (Chris Smith). The interloper shouts, "Don't marry him! I love you, Sarah!" and the bride tells her groom, "Sorry!" before happily running away with the disruptor. In voiceover, Smith says, "This was my defining moment."
Cut to four men—Smith, Tony Shalhoub (a thin middle-aged Lebanese American man), Jerry O'Connell (a thin middle aged white man), and Kal Penn (a thin young Indian American man)—jumping into the pool at an apartment complex, overlaid with text reading: "WE ARE MEN: Behind the Scenes."
Cut to Smith onscreen, saying, "So, the show's about a guy named Carter—" [Carter is his character] Cut to Shalhoub onscreen, saying, "This is a show about Frank, my character." Cut to Penn onscreen, saying, "The show's about a guy named Gil, my character." Cut to O'Connell onscreen, saying, "The show is about my character Stuart. He has these three sort of minions—" Etc. This terrible joke carries on for awhile longer, and if this is indicative of the quality of jokes we can expect from the show, I'm already not going to watch it and we haven't even gotten to the gross stuff yet.
Cue the gross stuff! The four guys walk down the street licking ice cream off spoons, then leer at ladies. Neat!
Cut to O'Connell onscreen, shirtless, explaining: "This show is about guys who live in an apartment complex." The complex has a pool and tennis courts and is paradise for dudes or whatever. "They're all going through divorces or have just gone through divorces." Oh boy. Here we go.
Cut to a scene from the show of O'Connell striding angrily around the pool clad in nothing but a white terrycloth robe, shouting into his phone: "She gave me chlamydia once—see if she wants half of THAT back!" Yiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
Cut to Shalhoub explaining: "We're trying to help Carter, the youngest, who's sort of the newbie to the group, and get him back on the horse. He's been left at the altar—" Cut to scene from the show of Smith smashing his wedding cake with a chair and screaming.
Cut to a scene from the show in which Shalhoub tells Smith he's living in paradise, while they all soak in a hot-tub. Cut to a scene in which they tell him to go hit on a girl, and he heads off determinedly but then passes her by, because
Cut to a scene from the show in which O'Connell introduces an uncomfortable-looking Smith to a girl, who says, "Stuart told me your fiancee died. You poor thing." O'Connell whispers in his ear (loudly, so good thing ears attached to ladybrains can't pick up the frequency of lying douchebags!), "Rock climbing accident. YOU'RE WELCOME!"
More intolerably unfunny behind-the-scenes banter where the guys all pretend they haven't met each other OH GOD THIS IS SO AWFUL.
Cut to a scene from the show in which Penn's young daughter tells him, "Dad, you know, Fiona's mom would totally go out with you." He says with a patronizing smile, "I'll ask her to lunch." His daughter replies, "Great! She's super nice and has really big boobs!" Penn says, "Or dinner." HA HA PRECOCIOUS MISOGYNIST DAUGHTERS ARE SO PRECIOUS AND SUCH A GREAT ADDITION TO ANY SITCOM ABOUT SINGLE DADS! You've really hit a home-run with this one, CBS!
Cut to Penn onscreen, explaining: "These are good guys, ultimately—even Frank, who is just womanizing his way through this apartment complex." GOOD GUYS, Y'ALL.
Cut to a scene from the show in which Shalhoub introduces Smith to an Asian mother and daughter pair, and naturally the joke is that he, old enough to be Smith's father, is dating the daughter and leaves the mother with Smith, but not before assuring him in a loud whisper, "She's a sure thing."
Montagery of dudes being dudes. It's super hilarious, obviously. Penn screams, "We're men and we love each other!" just before they get busted by a stern-looking nun for breaking into a school to play basketball. DUUUUUUUDE, NUNS ARE SUCH KILLJOYS! So what if a few dudes want to break the law to have FUN and MALE-BOND?! What is this world coming to when LAWS apply to DUDES?!
I can't wait to not watch this show!
Nope
[Content Note: Racism; violence; rape culture; appropriation.]
In case you are not aware of my feelings about Law & Order: SVU, I hate it. Like, a lot. It is my go-to show when I need to hate-watch something, because I hate it SO MUCH and it gives me ALL THE THINGS about which to scream at the TV.
Also, it is ALWAYS ON, in endless marathons, so I can redirect my rage at it pretty much any minute of any hour of any day.
Anyway.
Check out this shit:
Law & Order: SVU never shies away from keeping up with the cultural zeitgeist."Keeping up with the cultural zeitgeist" is an almost perfect euphemism for "exploiting the most gruesome stories of the harm human beings do to one another that are currently in the news." But I digress.
Wednesday, pictures from the SVU set emerged on BuzzFeed and speculation mounted about whether or not the images might suggest that the show was taking on the controversial George Zimmerman trial so soon. In fact, the SVU writers have taken things one step further and combined two of the year's biggest headlines: The trial of Zimmerman over the killing of Florida teen Trayvon Martin and the Paula Deen scandal.Ha ha sounds terrific! What could go wrong? This show is definitely known for sensitivity rather than sensationalism, so I'm sure it will be AMAZEBALLS, as the kids say!
"[Jeffrey] Tambor is a defense attorney representing a very high-profile celebrity woman chef who thought she was being pursued by a rapist and turned around it was a teenager. And she shot him," said [Executive Producer Warren Leight] in an interview with EW. "There's a lot of stop and frisk elements to that as well."Neat! I hope they find a way to cram in some totally trenchant commentary about the decimation of the Voting Rights Act. Maybe the Paula Deen proxy could fart on the Statue of Liberty. SYMBOLISM.
They won't be shying away from the big questions either, according to Leight. "Is racial profiling justifiable? Can self-defense involve racial profiling? We're diving right into that," he said. "Can that happen in New York? Absolutely."I'll bet! What a fascinating episode it will be for us all.
Be prepared for the episode to divide audiences. According to Leight, it even exposed divisions within the SVU team. "When the script was published it became a litmus test for everybody here," he said. "It was really interesting to see people read that script and have different interpretations about who did what and whether or not they deserved prison for it. It was fascinating."
"Something something the government and privacy."—Munch. JACKPOT.
The Parks and Rec Open Thread
This family is terrible. Apparently.
[Content Note: Rape culture; rape jokes; bullying.]
I don't guess I need to tell you how excited I was to have two episodes of Parks and Recreation waiting for me at the end of last week. And I don't guess I need to tell you, either, that I would love more than anything to be able to write an enthusiastically happy post about how much I loved both episodes.
But, unfortunately, I can't do that.
1. Because the first episode prominently featured Patton Oswalt, who is a fan of rape jokes. He has tweeted such gems as:
"Uh-oh, Spaghettios..." -- Pelican Bay inmate before he's raped by his cellmate, "Spaghettios" DiCenzo—and his comedy special, Comedians of Comedy, included an extended sequence in which he assumes the persona of a murderer and rapist, talking to the camera/audience as if to his victim. Because comedy.
That the above sequence happens at a log cabin only made the entire P&R arc where he and Leslie are living at a cabin all the more heinous for me to watch.
2. And because the second episode was perhaps the worst Jerry-hating episode of all time. And not just an entire episode built around everyone hating Jerry, but about how, if Jerry is removed from the group, everyone immediately turns on Tom, because "there's always a Jerry." I like Jerry, and I don't want to see him bullied. I don't want to watch other characters bully him, which makes me not like them so much. And I sure as shit don't want to see one more scene of Leslie and Ben perplexedly trying to figure out why Gayle would love Jerry or find him attractive.
The treatment of Jerry has always been the show's weakest spot, and I feel like the writers are trying to counter criticism by doubling-down on it. As if exposing us to more contempt for Jerry is somehow going to magically make it funny. It doesn't work. And even if it weren't mean-spirited garbage, it doesn't even seem consistent within the show's established characterizations. Even Chris, who is nice to EVERYONE and constantly expresses his fear of hurting other people, is now passive-aggressively mocking Jerry in order to win a bet with Ron? Nope. NOPE.
I am disappointed, Parks & Rec. I expect more.
The Walking Thread
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence; self-harm.)
Previously on The Walking Dead: Clues to what will happen in this episode of The Walking Dead! Which is the season finale! Omagerd! WHO IS GOING TO DIE?! I hope it's the Governor, but I am pretty sure that the writers of The Walking Dead enjoy having a sociopathic murdering rape-monster around too much to kill him off. Whoops. So it'll prolly be Andrea. That is what I am thinking when this episode begins. Wheeeeeeeeeee!
We open with a first-person perspective on Governor Cyclops, from the viewpoint of someone he is torturing. And obviously a torture scene is the best time for a cool reversal prank, so it turns out not to be Andrea, as we expect, but Melvin Nerdly. He is in bad shape! By which I mean there is blood spatter on his face but no swelling or bruising. "We've got too many zombies to spare budget on Nerdly! Just throw some corn syrup on him and get working on the zombie who's carrying his own entrails in his hands!"—The Producers, probably.
Governor Cyclops takes Melvin Nerdly to see Andrea in the next room, at which point Andrea does this thing WHICH I HATE that lots of television shows and movies do, which is use their characters to provide totally unnatural exposition because they think their audience is fucking stupid, and of course I am referring to Andrea referring to something the Governor said while he was in the room next door, but prefacing it with a hastily delivered, "I overheard you talking and..." I AM AN ADULT HUMAN BEING WHO IS CAPABLE OF INFERRING THAT A CHARACTER WHO RESPONDS TO SOMETHING ANOTHER CHARACTER SAID IN ANOTHER ROOM OVERHEARD IT. Actors always seem to know this is a bullshit move, because the line is always delivered with wooden embarrassment, and this scene is no exception.
Anyway. Governor Cyclops tells Melvin Nerdly he's keeping Andrea alive because he'll need her for something, but then after some bloviating about how only kill-machines survive in the zombiepocalypse, he tells Melvin Nerdly to kill Andrea. Of course Melvin Nerdly tries to kill Governor Cyclops instead, who immediately slow-death guts him and then locks him in the room with Andrea, so he can devour her once he's zombified. On his way out, the Governor says, "In this life now, you kill or you die—or you die and you kill." Ask not what your zombified corpse can do for the Governor—ask what the Governor will do with your zombified corpse! (Put it in an aquarium FYI.)
Over at Grimes Jail, Grimes Gang is packing all their shit up, and we are probably meant to think they're leaving? But they are not leaving, because that would make sense. They are just making it LOOK LIKE they are leaving, obvs.
Carl the Hat is real mad at his dad, and I have lost track of why, but: A. It's probably all the reasons we are mad at him (e.g. stupid decisions, more stupid decisions); and B. Who cares.
Grimes observes to Hershel, "He's still a kid—it's easy to forget that." HA HA is it? Is it easy to forget that the tiny person wearing an oversized sheriff's hat is still a kid? I NEVER forget that! I never accidentally say, "That young adult man is so fucking annoying." I always say, "That kid is so fucking annoying." And so does everyone else.
Michonne finds Grimes so she can tell him she understands that he had to consider trading her to the Governor, because, yeah, it's definitely HER JOB to clear the air on THAT ONE. (Sheesh, Grimes, you are the fucking worst.) And then she tells him thanks for taking her in, and, to Grimes' credit, he's pretty honest about the fact that he's a dirtbag and it was Carl the Hat who made the decision in her favor.
The Walking Thread
Who needs all the hugs? Daryl does, that's who!
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence.)
Previously on The Walking Dead: Clues to what will happen in this episode of The Walking Dead! Can you guess what things will happen in this episode, based on the scenes just shown to you? I SURE CAN! RIP Merle. Thank you for the very obvious foreshadowing that Merle was totes gonna die in this episode, producers of The Walking Dead. Your terrific storytelling is excellent, as always.
The title of this episode is "This Sorrowful Life," which is a pretty apt title for every episode, and could only be more accurate if it was "This Sorrowful Attempt at Great Storytelling with Rich Character Development and Solid Internal Consistency." That's a bigger mouthful than Merle's fingers, though, so I will be satisfied with "This Sorrowful Life." Because I'm charitable like that. Ahem.
When the episode opens, Grimes is telling Hershel and Daryl that turning over Michonne to Governor Cyclops is "the only way" to keep them all safe, because Grimes is super stupid and still imagines there a way in which Governor Cyclops will leave them alone. This fucking guy. "Well, Governor Cyclops has been totes operating in good faith so far, except for all the murder and rapeyness and zombie heads in aquariums and letting loose a van-load of zombies on our property OH OKAY I SEE YOUR POINT," Grimes DIDN'T say.
Instead, despite Hershel's and Daryl's expressed reservations, Grimes trots off to find Merle, who FOR REAL is tearing apart prison mattresses in search of drugs, and tell him all about his genius plan to turn over Michonne to Governor Cyclops. Grimes, wicked judgy about Merle's dope-search, asks him with a sneer if he "even knows why you do the things you do, make the choices you make," which HA HA is a little like the pot asking the kettle if it knows why it does the things it does and makes the choices it makes. Merle responds by telling Grimes he doesn't have the spine to turn over Michonne, and Grimes yells, "SHUT UP I DO SO!" before running away with windmill arms.
Ha ha just kidding. Grimes stays put long enough for Merle to tell him, CORRECTLY AND WISELY, that Grimes is a dipshit if he thinks Governor Cyclops is going to kill Michonne, when obviously he is going to torture her mercilessly, and that Grimes is "cold as ice" if he turns over Michonne knowing damn well that's going to happen. Grimes huffily tells Merle they need to get Michonne "to the Governor by noon," and THEN he runs away with windmill arms.
Meanwhile, Michonne is killing zombies with Glenn and Daryl, because she is awesome. She comes up with a good strategy to protect Grimes Jail from Governor Cyclops, and when Grimes says it's a good plan, Daryl underlines that it is Michonne's plan, because he is awesome. But Grimes will not be deterred. He yells, "STOP TRYING TO CHANGE MY MIND, DARYL! SHUT UP, BUTTHOLE!" and then runs away with windmill arms.
Back inside Grimes Jail, Merle's hunting for booze, and Carol, questioning his loyalties, tells him, "It's not time to do shots; it's time to pick a side." I know that probably sounds like some made-up dialogue that I inserted in place of the real dialogue, but NOPE! Those are the real words that come out of Carol's mouth in that scene!
Elsewhere, Daryl asks Glenn if Merle has apologized to him yet, and Glenn is silent. Daryl presses on, saying he'll make sure Merle makes up for tying Glenn to a chair and beating him up and handing over Maggie to Governor Cyclops, but also Glenn has to be forgiving. Whoooooooooops Daryl! That was a shitty thing to say! Glenn reminds him that Merle tied him to a chair and beat him up and handed over Maggie to Governor Cyclops, and Daryl makes a whoopsface, because what else is he gonna say? Aside from, "Yeah, fair point, I'm sorry I just said you should forgive my brother. What I MEANT to say was: Thanks for not stabbing my brother in the throat like he fucking deserves."
Daryl then ambles off to confront Merle, now on the hunt for drugs in Ye Olde Gaol Apothecary, and Merle makes a speech about how Grimes Gang looks at him like he's the devil for handing over Maggie to the Governor, even though they're now planning to do the same thing with Michonne. GOOD POINT, MERLE! Someone give that guy a candy cigarette. (His disappointment will be priceless! Do it!)
Meanwhile, Hershel and Maggie and Blonde Sister hold hands around a table while Hershel reads Meaningful Passages aloud from the Bible. His droning recital continues in voiceover as Grimes picks through garbage looking for cordage to tie up Michonne, during which he sees Pregnant Ghost Lori, i.e. the projection of his garbage conscience, and then throws down the cord and walks away to tell everyone THE PLAN IS OFF. Ixnay on the Idnapkay.
But whoooooooooooooooooooooops Merle didn't get the message, because he's off killing zombies in the bowels of Grimes Jail with Michonne, whom he thunks on the head and drags off to bind her up and start walking her to Unpleasantville. By the time Grimes locates Daryl to give him the GREAT NEWS about how he's not quite as terrible a garbage monster as he was five seconds before seeing his dead wife's pregnant ghost, Merle and Michonne are long gone. Daryl takes off after them, while Grimes stays behind to give a
On the road to Unpleasantville, Merle and Michonne have a lot of great conversation which reestablishes that Merle is a dirtbag and Michonne is underutilized on the show. He ties her to a post like a dog while he hotwires a car, setting off the car alarm in the process. OH NOES ZOMBIES! Even tied to a post, Michonne kicks ass, and after a scuffle that is no more or less exciting than every scuffle exactly like this one in every episode, they manage to get in the car and drive away.
Michonne tells Merle they can just turn back, and makes the point that it would actually restore some goodwill with Grimes Gang if he returns her unharmed. He says he can't go back, but cuts the binds around her hands, gives her back her blade, and lets her out of the car. Awhile later, Daryl finds her in a field, and, after establishing she has not murdered the fuck out of Merle, he continues on the search for his brother, while she continues on back to Grimes Jail.
Speaking of, back at Grimes Jail, Glenn has a great conversation with Hershel about how he now understands that when Hershel gave him a watch, it was more than just a watch he was passing on—it was the ownership of and responsibility for protecting Maggie's vagina. Hershel tells him that he has his blessing to marry Maggie, so Glenn runs outside and cuts a diamond ring off the finger of a lady zombie, then presents it to Maggie, who says yes without his even asking. I guess the good thing about the zombiepocalypse is that you don't have to worry about the pesky ethics of blood diamonds anymore!
Meanwhile, Merle is drinking booze straight from the bottle in the car, from which he's now blaring music through a cracked window and slowly creeping forward down the road with a gaggle of zombies in tow. The zombies follow him to UN Barn, where Martinez & Co. are lying in wait to ambush Grimes Gang when they show up for the scheduled confab. Merle jumps out of the still-moving car, somehow managing to not impale himself on his own knife-arm, and hides in another building, setting up kill-shop in the window.
When Martinez & Co. come out of hiding to kill the legion of zombies he's brought along for the ride, Merle picks off their faceless minions one by one, until Governor Cyclops finds him. They fight, and Merle somehow manages to not stab Governor Cyclops on his knife-arm, either. Instead, Governor Cyclops bites some fingers off Merle's remaining hand, and then shoots him. RIP Merle.
Well, except for how he's now a zombie. And Daryl, upon arrival at UN Barn, finds Zombie Merle munching on a corpse. He cries, and it is very sad. And then he kills Zombie Merle, because he has to and because he needs to violently vent the lingering emotional turmoil caused from his family of origin, and his regret at how things turned out with Merle, and his fury at how fucked-up the world is.
And we are probably meant to be left thinking, "At least Merle sorta redeemed himself by doing the right thing in the end," but of course Merle didn't do Grimes Gang any damn favors at all, because now Governor Cyclops can return to Unpleasantville with a solid justification for attacking Grimes Jail, as he can report Unpleasantvillagers were killed by Merle, acting on behalf of Grimes Gang.
At least letting Michonne go was a rare moment of decency. Good job, Merle. And goodbye.
The Walking Thread
Peek-a-BOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence; rape culture; misogyny; disablism; stalking.)
Previously on The Walking Dead: Clues to what will happen in this episode of The Walking Dead! Can you guess what things will happen in this episode, based on the scenes just shown to you? Can you guess what characters are about to REAPPEAR? Unless your brains have been zombified, I BET YOU CAN! Especially if you watched "on the next episode of The Walking Dead" at the end of last week's episode! Because this show continues to be great in every way.
This is the episode where we go on Andrea's Big Superfun Journey of Conscience with her. Which I bet would have been an interesting episode, if only for the fact that any human being who isn't a total dirtbag would have left Unpleasantville about sixty-seven years ago and never would have fucked Governor Cyclops in the first place! Whoooooops!
The episode opens with a Lostian flashback sequence of Michonne and Andrea sitting around a campfire making s'mores or whatever, while Michonne's chained, armless zombie pals stand watch. And by "stand watch," I mean gurgle and hiss and flail desperately. Andrea asks Michonne how she came upon them, and Michonne conveys with a look that she knew them. She then tells Andrea, "They deserve what they got; they weren't human to begin with."
Now, I don't know about y'all, but the way I interpreted this was that these men (who I swore Michonne said in another episode were her brothers, but maybe I'm misremembering) hurt Michonne, and probably in a very specific, sexually violent way. In which case, thanks a shitload, writers of this show, for introducing the Rape Turns Ladies Into Superheroes! trope. OF COURSE Michonne only kicks ass because she was raped, or in some other way violently hurt by men, because that's the only thing garbage writers can ever imagine could underlie female strength. WAY TO GO.
The camera zooms in on Michonne's prisoner zombies' chains, which segues into chains on a torture contraption Governor Cyclops is building. (Way to draw a bullshit equivalence between Michonne and Governor Cyclops, assholes.) Cy is real excited about this torture device, and he pops a huge boner or whatever as we cut to the titles. And I can't believe we're only at the titles, because I already feel like I've watched three hours of this episode.
After the commercial break, through which I fast-forwarded because year of our lord Jesus Jones two thousand and thirteen, we find ourselves in Unpleasantville, where Martinez & Co. are preparing for war by stocking a military vehicle with lots of weapons. Andrea stumbles across this scene and says, "I thought there was a deal on the table," and we all laugh because this show is a comedy, right? This show is definitely a comedy.
Melvin Nerdly pays Cy a visit, and gets all freaked out by Cy's torture workshop. Really, Nerdly? REALLY?! You're still surprised by evidence that this guy is a monster? Fuck's sake. You and Andrea should get married and have the stupidest babies on the planet, and you can all marvel together at the DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE of the sun coming up each and every day.
Melvin Nerdly spills all the beans to Andrea, about Cy's TOTALLY PREDICTABLE OMG plan to shock-and-awe the fuck out of Grimes Gang at their next diplomatic negotiation. Andrea says she has to stop it, and Melvin Nerdly tells her, "I don't think you can." Welp, that's the smartest thing he's ever said. No, Andrea, you cannot stop Cy's evil machinations, because you are too goofy to realize when he's evil-machinating in the first place! You have the deductive reasoning of a table lamp, and also you are not in possession of your own militia! Which, let's be honest, is not something we can trust Andrea to have noticed.
Melvin Nerdly shows Andrea Cy's cool torture chamber, and he tells her to GTFO and go warn Grimes Gang. Andrea says she has to kill Cy instead, and, as they watch him LITERALLY WHISTLE WHILE HE WORKS as he sets up his torture chamber, Andrea aims her gun at him. But Melvin Nerdly stops her, telling her if she kills Cy, Martinez will just take over. Which, okay. That's probably true. But I have to say, Martinez just seems like a garden-variety jackass, not a zombiequarium-having torture-head. It's not even evident if Martinez is totally aware of the depths of Cy's depravity, no less that he's totes signed off on it. So maybe take your chances with Martinez? I'm just saying.
Anyway.
Candice Glover Is Everything
1. I love garbage television. If you haven't heard me confess this before on any one of a million occasions, Spudsy—who exclaims at me at least once a month "I can't believe the shit you watch!" (which makes me laugh and laugh)—or Deeks—to whom I recommended Ghost Mine last night—or anyone else who knows me will be happy to confirm the facts. I am an incorrigible aficionado of garbage television.
2. Arguably, the garbagiest of all garbage television is American Idol, for so many reasons. Each season, it gets even more unfathomably gargbagey than the season before. This season, the usual mess of kyriarchal codswallop is being complemented by a heaping dose of body policing from new judge Nicki Minaj, who is so great when she's not congratulating someone on their weight loss or telling a female contestant to show her legs more.
3. But I can't stop watching this season, because CANDICE GLOVER IS EVERYTHING.
Video Description: Idol contestant Candice Glover, a young African American woman, performs "I Who Have Nothing," made famous by Ben E. King, Shirley Bassey, and Tom Jones.
Ben E. King's version of this song (which I love, despite it's Nice Guy/Girl-ish lyrics) is one of my favorite tracks of all time. True Fact: I was just listening to King's version on a loop Monday afternoon, coincidentally. And Candice is my favorite contestant this season because OMG HER VOICE, so I was basically in heaven last night. Is what I'm saying.
Exciting Programming Note For Conservatives!
Set your DVRs, Tivos, and Hoppers, everyone! (Actually, if you have a Hopper, you can record this gem fourteen times at once and have just so many copies of it!) (Also, every sentence in this post will end with an exclamation point!) (¡Incluso las frases en español!)
Tonight is the debut of For the Record, an investigative news show à la Sixty Minutes airing on Glenn Beck's TV network!
Okay, hold the fuck on. Glenn Beck has his own TV network? When did this happen? (I Googlepediaed it: His steaming (typo, and it stays) web content is also carried on Dish Network. Yuck! I am glad I don't have Dish Network! Also: Weren't Dish Network the jerks who failed to keep The Walking Dead off the air? Thanks, Dish Network: strike two!
Of the show, Beck says:
"We are currently looking for our own Woodwards and Bernsteins. Maybe they don't exist anymore, and if that's the case I don't really care. We'll grow our own!"It's weird that Beck doesn't know if there are any Woodwards around, especially since the original Woodward (Bob) HAS BEEN IN THE NEWS EVERY DAY FOR THAT LAST TWO FUCKING WEEKS! The thing you really want in a good newsman is total ignorance of the news, obviously!
For the Record will be hosted by Laurie Dhue, whoever that is! (She used to be on Fox, which is why I've never heard of her. She was previously on MSNBC, which is also why I've never heard of her!) I guess Beck will be on, too? I don't know. Let's hope so! And whomever is the Libertarian version of Andy Rooney. ("Ya ever notice all these poor people everywhere?")
Buzzfeed's McKay Coppins notes that the debut episode "doesn't break any news" which I think would be problematic. But then again, the target audience likes its journalism with a heaping dose of BENGAHZI! and a side of ACORN!, so this probably won't even matter.
Though, Glenn Beck adds:
"We hope that For the Record fills an important void in the marketplace — smart, deeply researched, and incredibly well-produced television journalism for an audience that is too often ignored by the media."LOL! Oh, okay, Sure. Our fucking liberal news media has been ignoring conservatives for far too long. The jerks. Liberal news jerks! Why don't you ever invite conservatives on and ask their opinions? Seriously, I am sooo sick of seeing Phil Donohue and Jane Fonda on ABC News EVERY GODDAMNED NIGHT!
Anyway, tune in tonight. If you have Dish Network. If not, tough shit!
The Walking Thread
"Let us drink whiskey and talk in riddles."
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence; racism; misogyny; rape culture.)
Previously on The Walking Dead: Clues to what will happen in this episode of The Walking Dead! Can you guess what things will happen in this episode, based on the scenes just shown to you? Unless your brains have been zombified, I BET YOU CAN!
Hey, you know what my favorite part of this episode was? By which I mean the part I hated the most because it is the worst and this show is terrible? The part where the entire episode came down to two straight white men who are the respective patriarchs of their clans of garbage monsters treating a black woman like a pawn in their game of Who's Got the Bigger Messiah Complex. GROSS! This fucking show! Ugh!
At this point, I'm just hoping Michonne gets her hands on a nuke and rides it Major Kong style right into the heart of Georgia.
Anyway.
When we pick up at the beginning of the episode with our competing factions in what is apparently the only five square miles left on the planet, Grimes, with Hershel and Daryl in tow, is taking a meeting with Governor Cyclops in a barn, which has been set up as a cool conference room that suffers from the noticeable lack of a Keurig machine.
Governor Cyclops is already awaiting them at UN Barn when they arrive, because he is a passive-aggressive negotiator in addition to being an aggressive-aggressive garbage nightmare. "We have a lot to talk about," Cy tells Grimes, and if this were any other show, I'd be settling in with some popcorn to watch the fireworks, but because this is The Walking Dead, I get a can of diet Code Red to make sure I can stay awake.
Cy removes his weapon as a sign he wants to "negotiate in good faith," then tells Grimes, "Now you," and, in a rare moment of sagacity, Grimes does not put down his gun. But in a typical moment of patented Grimes stupidity, he does not immediately kill Cy, who sits down at the barn desk which has a hidden weapon. Grimes' calculation makes PERFECT SENSE, as usual. It's definitely fine to leave to die a backpacker who has shown you no ill will, but whatever you do, don't kill the guy who is trying to murder the fuck out of everyone you know and care about, and, by the way—is a fucking rapey scoundrel. Definitely give that fucker the benefit of the doubt!
Andrea shows up to UN Barn and is surprised to see that Cy is already there, because of course she set up this meeting because she's the Hillary Clinton of this operation. Yes, what a shocker that Governor Cyclops hasn't been honest with you, Andrea! How out of character for the worst person left on the planet! Andrea tells all the dudes to "save the bullets for the real threat!" and I'm like boredom? terrible writing? cavernous inconsistencies in character development? I need bullets for ALL THESE THINGS.
Grimes proposes a solution delineating boundaries so Grimes Gang and Unpleasantville can coexist, and Cy, who is an excellent negotiator definitely operating in good faith, says he will only accept surrender. This guy would be great in the Shark Tank. "I'm sorry, Mr. Wonderful, but I will only accept a ONE BILLION DOLLAR INVESTMENT for two percent of my glam eyepatch company." Then they kick Andrea out, because women.
Daryl, who I notice has the same haircut I do, stands watch outside with Hershel and Cy's two minions: Melvin Nerdly and Token Latino, who is apparently named Martinez. Some zombies show up right on cue, and while Daryl and Martinez argue about who should "go first" to kill them, Andrea strides past and stabs a zombie in the face. Martinez calls Daryl a "pussy," without a trace of irony.
Then Daryl and Martinez team up to kill some zombies, after which they have a neat talk about their backgrounds. On the other side of the barn, Hershel and Melvin Nerdly are also chit-chatting away the time. Melvin Nerdly asks Hershel if he can see his stump, and Hershel says, "I just met you! At least buy me a drink first!" and much laughter ensues. This is all some All Quiet on the Western Front Christmas Day football game shit, y'all. They're not so different after all!
Meanwhile, back at Grimes Jail, Grimes Gang readies their arsenal and Merle tries to leave to go kill Governor Cyclops. Carl the Hat informs Merle: "My dad can take care of himself!" Which is true. Grimes can just barely take care of himself. And he definitely cannot take care of his adolescent son nor his infant daughter, who are respectively turning into a sociopath and a feral child. Merle tells Carl the Hat that his dad's head "will be on a pike real soon." HA HA MERLE IS THE BEST BABYSITTER!
Eventually, Merle tries to leave with a bunch of guns in a cool duffel bag, and when Glenn tries to stop him, Merle rasp-snarls at him: "The Governor feels up your woman and you pussy out?" Great dialogue. This show is terrific. They start punching each other, forcing Blonde Sister to shoot a gun in the air to make them stop. Save the bullets for the real threat, Blonde Sister!
Back at UN Barn, Grimes and Cy are having a great conversation about so many things. They drink whiskey and there is a ton of ACTING! Look at all the ACTING! So much ACTING! Grimes looks confused and nauseous. ACTING! Governor Cyclops speaks in riddles and smiles toothily a lot. ACTING! I am literally laughing out loud. Is this show a comedy? This show is definitely a comedy.
Outside, Hershel talks to Andrea and she confesses to him, "I don't know what I'm doing here." That makes two of us, Andrea! She asks Hershel what Cy did to Maggie, and Hershel tells her that Governor Cyclops is a sick man. No doy. Hershel tells Andrea she should join up with them again. "I mean, sure, Grimes has visions of his dead wife, and he is a terrible leader, and he is very sweaty, but at least he doesn't keep zombie heads in an aquarium, so there's that." Lesser of two whatthefuuuuuuucks.
Cy tells Grimes if they go to war, the fight will go down "to the last man." Emphasis on man. He then tells Grimes there is a way to end it: He shows Grimes his grody eye, care of Michonne's badassery, and tells Grimes that if he hands over Michonne, Unplesantville will leave Grimes Gang in peace. LIKELY STORY! "Is one woman worth all those lives?" Cy asks, and I barf one hundred times.
Speaking of Michonne, back at Grimes Jail, Merle tries to talk her into ambushing Cy at UN Barn, but she tells him he's on his own. It kinda seems like they are totes becoming BFFs, despite Merle having tried to murder her and being a white supremacist fuckhead. What a great story arc! I hope they fall in love!
Speaking of love, Maggie visits Glenn who's doing some zombie-gazing, and it is very awkward! But then Glenn says, "When we got back from Woodbury, I made it all about me, and you needed your space and I didn't give you that." And Maggie tells him, "I didn't need space from you. I just wanted you to see me." Then Maggie tells Glenn she misses him, even though they're always together, and Glenn says he's sorry and he loves her, and then they do it. Aww.
Back at UN Barn, Grimes tells Cy that killing Michonne for vengeance is beneath him and we all LOL BECAUSE NO IT'S NOT. That's pretty much right in Governor Cyclops' wheelhouse, Grimes, and good job as usual paying attention! Cy tells Grimes he's risking his children's lives and that he's got two days to think about it. Then Governor Cyclops hands Grimes a note that says, "If you want to hand over Michonne and do not want me to kill you, check this box: □" with instructions to pass it to Andrea in study hall once he makes up his mind.
Grimes has a brief moment of clarity and tells Cy he knows that handing over Michonne won't keep them safe. "We're going to war." I'm sure that will be very exciting 100 episodes from now. Or in the last 15 minutes of this interminable season. Whichever way they decide to play it.
The minions return to their respective communities with their respective garbage leaders, including Andrea. Back at Unpleasantville, Cy informs Melvin Nerdly that he intends to slaughter Grimes Gang no matter what. Gee, what a shocking reversal yawwwwwwwn. Melvin Nerdly looks hella unhappy about it. This guy. Get it together, Nerdly! You are working for a despot! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE POCKET PROTECTORS!
Back at Grimes Jail, Grimes tells everyone what happened, leaving out the Michonne part. Then he takes Hershel aside and tells him about the Michonne part, and explains he didn't tell the whole group because he wants them to be scared. WHUT. Shut up. His moment of clarity passed, he wonders out loud to Hershel if maybe he should hand over Michonne, and Hershel reminds him of all the kickass shit Michonne has done for them. "She's earned her place."
To which Grimes responds by asking Hershel if he's ready to sacrifice his daughters' lives for Michonne's, thus employing the same rhetorical THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN strategy as Governor Cyclops, whom he is no better than! They are the same horrendo nightmares in slightly different horrendo packaging! He tells Hershel he wants to be talked out of it. Jesus Jones. This show.
Over the last part of the episode, some song I don't know plays over the readying for war at Unpleasantville and Grimes Deep. It reminds me of the Tangerine Dream score for Risky Business, which is probably not what they were going for, but now I am picturing Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay having sex on the Chicago Elevated Train, and about how there is no way in hell I'd ever get my snatch out on the El. The end.
The Walking Thread
"Neat cat! That will really spice up Grimes Jail!"
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence; racism.)
Previously on The Walking Dead: Clues to what will happen in this episode of The Walking Dead! Can you guess what things will happen in this episode, based on the scenes just shown to you? Unless your brain has been devoured by zombies, I BET YOU CAN!
Grimes Gang is gearing up for war with Unpleasantville, so they need more weapons. Grimes decides to drive all the fuck way back to his old police station to raid its arsenal. Even though it seems like Grimesville is fully one thousand miles away and one hundred years past, it's actually only a short drive. Neat!
So: ROAD TRIP!
Michonne is behind the wheel of the Chevy Volt or whatever, which once served as Andrea's and Shane's fuckmobile, because the only time Grimes cedes control of anything to anyone ever is when he wants to catch some shut-eye. "I mean, there isn't even any Lady Antebellum on the radio!"—Rick Grimes, probably. So the black lady gets to be his fucking chauffeur. Ugh this show.
On the road, they fly by some random white dude screaming for their help, because he's all alone in the middle of a zombiepocalypse and that shit is scary. Michonne, Rick, and Carl the Hat give the backpacker the side-eye as they zoom by so quickly that the backpacker doesn't even time to appreciate their "Eat My Dust" and "I'd Rather Be Patriarchin'!" bumper stickers.
The trio comes across an old car wreck, and naturally their car gets stuck in the mud. As they kill the zombies who converge on them and then search for some junk to stick under the tires to free the fuckmobile, we are reminded of the terrific traffic jam of Season One in which cars full of dead but non-zombified people totally undermined the later reveal that everyone who dies automatically becomes a zombie. Whoooooops!
Michonne gets an earful as Grimes and Carl the Hat shit-talk her while busily rooting around the fuckmobile's back end. Windows! Michonne isn't one of them blah blah yawn fart. This is called FORESHADOWING, and we know that by the end of the episode, we will be treated to a colossally clunky scene of Grimes and Carl the Hat welcoming Michonne into the bosom of their group. "Here, we got you a gift basket full of pandering and racism!"
They finally get the car unstuck, just as the backpacker comes running over the crest of a hill in the distance, again begging for their mercy, which they do not offer. "Seeya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" They drive off and arrive moments, or possibly hours, later at Grimes' old deserted police station, only to find the armory has been ransacked. Only a single bullet remains LOL.
In good news, Hershel's Yell Therapy still seems to be working, as Grimes is unusually lucid.
They walk into town, which has some really great spray-painted signs reading AWAY WITH YOU and NO GUILT YOU KNOW THAT and JUST LISTEN. Normal stuff. In the middle of town, they come across Stick City, which is a section of street cordoned off with a bunch of barbed wire and pokey sticks on which zombies impale themselves. No one quips, "The walkers really get the point around here," because Merle is back at Grimes Jail.
Suddenly a masked rifleman on a rooftop is shooting at them and shouting at them to put down their weapons and GTFO. There's another no-hit shoot-out, until Carl the Hat gets a hit at close range, just knocking out the shooter because he's wearing wooden body armor OBVIOUSLY, and lo and behold the shooter and architect of Stick City is Morgan, the black man who saved Grimes' life at the very beginning of the series and for whom Grimes promised to return but never did.
Grimes decides they need to carry Morgan back into his building and leave him in safety, so he and Michonne thread their way through Morgan's series of booby-traps, including a spear pit hidden under a welcome mat LOL. They easily drag his not-corpse over a tripwire and dump him in his studio apartment, which is full of billions of weapons and has a cool blog on the wall.
They're just about to steal some shit and depart when Grimes finds Morgan's half of their walkie-talkie pair and gets all Grimesy about it. Michonne tries to convince him they need to leave, because Morgan is dangerous, but Grimes insists that they stay until Morgan wakes up. Proving that Michonne is right and Grimes is stupid, Morgan wakes up and immediately stabs Grimes, right after Carl the Hat takes off on some important hat business and Michonne leaves to babysit him.
Morgan and Grimes shout at each other because MEN! and Morgan begs Grimes to shoot him, but Grimes won't because shooting someone with their consent makes Grimes really uncomfortable. YELLING! GUILT! MEN FAILING IN THE PATRIARCHY DRIVES THEM TO INSANITY! Grimes wants Morgan to come with them, and Morgan makes a pretty strong case for staying put when he tells Grimes, "You will be torn apart by teeth or bullets!" Grimes responds by accusing Morgan of too much optimism LOL THIS SHOW LOL.
Meanwhile, Carl the Hat is being a total brat to Michonne, but Michonne saves his stupid life anyway. They use the old nutria subterfuge to distract zombies while Carl the Hat retrieves a picture of his happy family that's hanging up in a café. RIP Lori. They almost get away, but Carl the Hat drops the picture just inside the door. That fucking kid. "We have to go back!" he yells, because of course the writers of this show would steal an iconic line from Lost. Michonne goes back for the picture and comes back with it, along with what looks like a papier-mâché cat fashioned from Rip Taylor's confetti scraps. They are friends now.
After giving Grimes lots of sensible reasons for not wanting to join his group of knuckleheaded survivors, all of which Grimes rejects, Morgan tells him, "I have to clear," and somehow that is the magic combination of nonsense words that make sense to Grimes, and he stops badgering Morgan. He hooks back up with Michonne and Carl the Hat, and they leave Stick City, toting guns and a crib.
Carl the Hat apologizes to Morgan for having shot him, and Morgan tells him, "Son, don't ever be sorry." Which is a perfect lesson, obviously. If only every little tenderfooted young white patriarch in America had a sage black gentleman to tell him he should never be sorry about anything.
As they're packing up the fuckmobile, Carl the Hat tells Grimes that he thinks Michonne "might be one of us." Fuck you, kid. You'd be lucky if YOU were one of HER. (That doesn't make any fucking sense, but you know what I mean!)
Predictably, Grimes and Michonne have a great bonding moment over talking to dead people. Jokey-jokes! Clear the air! BFFs! Nothing says détente like a meet cute after months of seething hostility!
On the way back to Grimes Jail, the merry trio pass the mangled body of the backpacker. They stop to grab his backpack off the verge, then carry on their way. Important symbolism and shit, ya dig?
Discuss.
The Walking Thread
I told you about the plaid flannels!
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence; rape culture.)
When last we left our totally trepid band of depressing protagonists, Governor Cyclops had unleashed a clown-car of zombies on Grimes Jail and everyone except Mustache Prisoner had survived the shittiest shoot-out of all time. RIP Mustache Prisoner.
This episode starts with Governor Cyclops & Co. back in Unplesantville and Grimes Gang safely tucked away back in Grimes Jail, bickering about how terrible Grimes is. FINALLY. Except for Glenn, who is still on Team Grimes: "If Rick says we're not running, we're not running!" Be quiet, Glenn. If Grimes told you to go jump in a zombie well, would you?! Because he probably will, so get ready!
Hershel finally says something sensible and yells at Grimes: "You're slipping!" Which is frankly far too generous. Once you're out in Zombie Woods making out with a knothole you imagine to be your dead wife, you've officially slipped. And then Hershel immediately stops saying sensible things and tells Grimes to "get your head clear and do something!" I'm no professor of medicine, nor even a country vet and master Jesus-quoting machine, but I'm pretty sure that shouting at someone having a psychotic break to "get your head clear" doesn't usually work.
In any case, Grimes takes Hershel's advice to "do something" and goes out on the garbage balcony to hunt for Ghost Lori through his magic binoculars. He doesn't spot her, though, so maybe I'm wrong and shouting at someone to "get your head clear" does work. Does everyone currently working in the mental health field know this crucial information? Stop giving people therapy and START YELLING!
"THANK YOU. This is what I've been saying FOR YEARS."—Dr. Phil.
Anyway. Carl the Hat joins Grimes outside and tells him to abdicate the Ricktatorship and take a nap. And then he takes his hat off for the first time in fully two years, because IMPORTANT METAPHOR OF PATERNAL HERO-WORSHIP.
Meanwhile, over in Unpleasantville, Governor Cyclops is assembling a child army because he is the coolest. Melvin Nerdly is helping him crunch the numbers, because Governor Cyclops doesn't have time to plan a pointless war AND do math. (See also: George W. Bush.) Andrea strides in and offers to serve as a diplomat to the Great Nation of Grimes Jail on behalf of the People's Republic of Unplesantville, but Governor Cyclops is all, "If you go to Grimes Jail, you can STAY at Grimes Jail, girl!"
And then Andrea says these actual lines of dialogue: "I'm sick of the lies!" and "Enough is enough!" Solid writing. Following is a very esoteric reference, but if you get it, you will soooo get it: That whole exchange reminded me of the scene in A Few Good Men where Tom Cruise—who is a lawyer and an officer in the United States Navy and you're under arrest, you son of a bitch, because he CAN handle the truth OH SNAP!—is shown to be a Nice Guy and Totes Not Racist by having fun banter with an elderly black man who runs a newsstand, and that banter consists entirely of their swapping idioms and clichés at each other. "A rolling stone gathers no socks!" "Catch a frog with a honey pot!" or whatever. Aaron Sorkin, ladies and germs.
Back at Grimes Jail, Hershel pays Merle a visit, and Merle greets him with, "You're the farmer—Hershel," and Hershel replies, "And you're the black sheep—Merle." It's like Canterbury Tales, only with fewer nuns and more flannel shirts! Merle does not address the irony of being called a black sheep when he is a white supremacist, and instead they start quoting Bible verses at each other, because you know how every person in the South has the Bible memorized. It's a fact. Ask Hollywood.
Elsewhere, Daryl is being a real Eeyore, and Carol cheers him up by reminding him that his brother is a garbage nightmare. Later, Merle tries to clear the air with Michonne by leering at her while she works out and then not actually apologizing for trying to murder the fuck out of her. Michonne glares at him, because Michonne.
Back in Unplesantville, Andrea conspires with Melvin Nerdly to leave town to go visit Grimes Jail against Governor Cyclops' wishes, and Melvin Nerdly snitches to the Governor because he was totally that kid. Governor Cyclops tells him to assist Andrea and blah blah something something they end up in the woods with Melvin Nerdly holding down a zombie while Andrea curb-stomps him to knock his teeth out so she can put him on a dog-catcher's pole and use him to help her navigate through Zombie Woods.
Here is another superfun inconsistency in this terrible show: The zombie's skulls are so soft that they can be crushed into oblivion almost instantly by almost any hard surface, but simultaneously still hard enough that they can withstand Andrea stomping on them. WHAT A GREAT SHOW THIS IS!
Tyreese and Sasha and two white dudes show up and head back to Unpleasantville with Melvin Nerdly, where they agree to help Governor Cyclops plan his attack on Grimes Jail. Andrea makes her way to Grimes Jail with her corndog zombie (get it? because he's on a stick!), where Grimes greets her with his usual hospitality. Andrea asks after Shane and Lori, but not T-Dog HA HA OF COURSE, but Carol tells her that he died, too. I ♥ Carol.
Then Andrea has THE MOST AMAZING exchange with Grimes about the Governor's attack on Grimes Jail, in which Andrea is completely shocked!!!eleventy! that the Governor lied about Grimes Gang having shot first. (This, right after she shouted at the Governor that she was "sick of the lies!" A line so forgettable even she forgot it!) Yes, it would certainly be difficult for ANYONE to believe that the Governor's intentions were anything but good-hearted when he showed up with a van full of zombies.
"I just thought they'd enjoy a ride in my cool van!"—Governor Cyclops.
"Makes sense! Let's bone!"—Andrea.
Andrea reveals that Governor Cyclops' name is Phillip, and she can't imagine why anyone would have a problem moving into his lovely gated community. Maggie just glowers at her, but does not say, "Yeah, um, dude sexually assaulted me, so I'm good, thanks."
Once it's established Grimes Gang is not keen to relocate to Unpleasantville, Andrea goes for a walk with Michonne and blames her for "poisoning" Grimes Gang against Governor Cyclops. Michonne tells Andrea she's totes dickmatized, and then gets the most lines she's had ever (?) only to reveal that under that seething exterior, she's really just a Mean Girl who wants to get back at Andrea for being a bad friend.
WRITERS OF THE WALKING DEAD: I HATE YOU.
Michonne's exposited motivation could have been, and started to be, that she was more intuitive, more insightful, and more decent than Andrea. There was no need to veer into this INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID AND PETTY territory where Michonne, who has always been powerfully motivated by self-preservation, YOU KNOW THAT THING THAT MAKES HER A KICKASS CHARACTER, really returned to Unpleasantville to spite Andrea for ditching her for a boy, not because of the revenge-seeking against a man who harmed her and the justice-mindedness to stop him hurting others. GROSSSSSSSSS!
Anyway. Andrea takes leave of Grimes Jail, but not before Carol tells her to fuck the Governor and then kill him, which is the best plan anyone has had in ages. Grimes sends her on her way with a car, a knife, and a gun, which is stupidly generous. Andrea goes back to Unpleasantville and carries out the first part of Carol's plan, but not the second! OH WELL!
Blonde Sister Whose Name I Will Never Know starts singing around the camp candle in Grimes Jail, and it turns out Grimes Jail has TERRIFIC acoustics. #silverlinings
The End.
The Walking Thread
"Dear Diary: Still can't decide if I just like Gov. Cyclops, or like like him."
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence; rape culture.)
When last we left our struggling band of heroes [sic], things were falling apart pretty badly at Grimes Jail. Daryl, the only competent member of Grimes Gang, had run off into the woods with his oppressively obnoxious brother Merle, Glenn was turning into a murdery rage-machine because Governor Cyclops
On top of that, they're all pretty sure that the Unplesantvillagers are fixing to destroy them. So they can't stay put, but they can't run, since their tiniest new member is the human equivalent of a zombie whistle.
There are a lot of BIG AND IMPORTANT DECISIONS TO BE MADE, and no one fit to make them. Situation normal!
Anyway. The episode opens with Grimes spying on Michonne, who is living in a garbage bus on Grimes Jail land. Through his binoculars, he spies Ghost Lori at their makeshift graveyard, and he goes out to have a chat with her, but whooooooooops now Ghost Lori is outside the gates, which Grimes naturally leaves hanging wide open while he chases her into the weeds.
Naturally, Michonne closes the gates behind him, because she, like pretty much everyone else and moreso than most, would make a better leader than the bozo who immediately starts making out with a ghost in zombie territory.
Back in Unpleasantville, Governor Cyclops visits Andrea and fake-confesses that he is a terrible leader and fake-suggests she should be the new Mayor of Unpleasantville, which is an evident ploy to convince her not to go visit her old friends at Grimes Jail and hoodwink her into believing he's not about to go attack the fuck out of them. And Andrea believes this nonsense because she is very stupid. Except when the writers need her to be smart.
Governor Cyclops then pays a visit to Melvin Nerdly, and lets him in on his plan. Later, Andrea asks him where GC is, and Melvin Nerdly is all, "Uh, I don't speak English or whatever," which seems to tip Andrea to the fact that maybe GC is up to no good, in a way her previous observations of his behaving like a sadistic sociopath in at least seven different ways has not.
Meanwhile, Daryl and Merle piss and spit on stuff in the woods.
At Grimes Jail, Glenn and Maggie have a GREAT conversation in which she recounts being sexually assaulted by Governor Cyclops, and has to reassure Glenn that she wasn't raped. In the comic books, it was Michonne who was assaulted by the Governor, and she was raped, but in the show, Maggie is not. Now, I am obviously not a fan of rape as entertainment, but I'm also not a fan of writers shying away from rape (it doesn't need to be shown for it to have happened) because, as seems apparent to me here, they are afraid that their audience won't like a female character anymore if she's a rape survivor.
There was a really gross thread in that whole scene, in which Glenn seemed to serve as avatar for the audience, hoping Maggie wasn't raped primarily not because rape is terrible, but because it would have changed his/our feelings about Maggie. Yuck!
That, of course, happens to real survivors of rape all the time, and it was pretty foul for the writers of the show allow us the "relief" of Maggie not having been raped (just sexually assaulted without penetration), so our feelings for her wouldn't "need" to change.
Glenn, of course, still making Maggie's assault All About Him, then expresses feelings of guilt and failure over having not protected her, which reflects that interesting (ahem) piece of rape culture that deploys when there can be no victim-blaming of a male-partnered female victim: Chivalry failure. I should have been able to protect you from that rapist! (Sometimes also expressed by fathers, brothers, friends...) Which is another layer of inoculating rapists against the exclusive responsibility for rape: It is first a female victim's responsibility to prevent herself from getting raped, and then it is her male
There is A LOT wrong with this trope, not least of which is that it entrenches narratives of male policing of female bodies, but I'll leave it there for now or I'll never get back to detailing EVERYTHING ELSE that's wrong with this show!
Daryl rescues some people on a bridge in the woods, who have come under zombie attack. Then he almost murders Merle for being a huge douche, and they fight about how their dad was a monster, which I'm sure came as a real surprise to everyone. I never would have guessed these two characters were meant to come from a fucked-up family! WEIRD!
Hershel tells Grimes, who is still wandering around the perimeter like a sweaty hobo, that he needs to come back because Glenn is being "reckless." LOL FOREVER. Yes, Rick, please bring back your solid leadership that is never reckless! Pull up your pants and get back to leading! You can hump that log you think is Ghost Lori another time!
Grimes Jail is in real trouble, because there is a zombie leak somewhere and zombies are getting in. There aren't enough people to help find the leak AND guard the jail! Too bad Tyreese and Sasha don't exist in this episode! Maybe they could've helped!
Carol shows Mustache Prisoner how to use a gun, and he compliments her on being a lady, which I guess? is supposed to be an improvement? from when he thought she was a lesbian? Yikes. Well, no matter. She immediately uses his corpse as a human shield (good thinking, Carol!) after Governor Cyclops and his minions show up and start shooting at Grimes Gang.
This begins a shoot-out at the Oh Fuck Corral in which suddenly all of these crack shots who can shoot a zombie in the face at one million paces are now terrible shooters with garbage skills. PERFECT. Perfect continuity.
A van barrels through the Grimes Jail fences and a bunch of zombies pour out, some of whom immediately pin Grimes against the fence. Luckily, Michonne is not a terrible person like he is, so she saves him, even though he wouldn't do her the same favor. And then Daryl and Merle show up HUZZAH! and save Grimes (boo). The war is ON, motherfuckers!
Finally, three random things:
1. I read the other day that Jonny Lee Miller, currently starring as Sherlock in Elementary, my new favorite show, was in the running to play Grimes. I bet Season One, he was all fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, and now he's all LULZ YOUR GARBAGE SHOW!
2. Does this show take place in Seattle in the '90s? Why are so many of the zombies wearing flannel shirts?
3. My DVR won't let me delete the last episode of The Walking Dead. I hit delete, and nothing happens. It's just stuck there. The show itself is now a zombie. Is what I'm saying.
Discuss.
The Parks and Rec Open Thread
"Stuff lasts forever!"
(Spoilers are searching for chairs herein. Content Note: Fat bias.)
All right, let's just get right to the sad part: Once again, this episode was peppered with fat hatred. There was the return of Paunch Burger, of course, and there was a terrible moment in which Leslie told Tom she was happy he'd thought to ask Paunch Burger's competitors to cater the fundraising gala because "all of our more ample citizens" love fast food. Again, I would like to note that it's especially rich to have a character who eats waffles like they're going out of style make comments about how only fat people like fast food. And then there was the fat French chef, because of course all chefs are fat, and Jerry not even being able to run without falling, because of course all fat people are uncoordinated. COME ON, PARKS AND RECREATION, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS.
It's particularly disappointing that a show with two major supporting characters who are fat—and not "Hollywood fat," but actually fat—insists on making jokes at fat people's expense.
Let us hope now that the Paunch Burger vs. Park battle has been won, the writers will move the fuck on from this shit. Because it soured what was otherwise a very fun episode that ended with a great cliffhanger.
The good stuff:
"Let the record show there was a standing ovation." "No, there wasn't." "History will decide." "I don’t have time for food puns right now." "First we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation. Which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cuz people always say, 'Buuut, he's got a great personality.'" "Wait, maybe this is a nightmare! …Nope, can't fly away. This is real life." "Get some chairs from somewhere." "Great leadership. Inspiring." "I can speak in full sentences and I won't cry." "A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards bummerville. But now, I am infected will a killer virus—and I feel fine. [thumbs up] Therapy!" "What's wrong with Joan?" "She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies." "It is with a heavy heart that I say: We have been Jammed." "Oh no! Pawnee has been hit with…a TORNADOQUAKE!" "Oh, well, jokes on you—I don't have anyone I care about!" "This was bad. Fort Wayne bad." "Ghost-Jammed!" "He's certainly something of a genius. We could use his brains on the force." "I'd like to thank my community, my friends. It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again, but it bears repeating: No one achieves anything alone."Discuss!
The Walking Thread
"Something something rousing speech! You should definitely listen to me because I have excellent judgment! Just look at my taste in men, which is pretty much PERFECT!"
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence.)
The Walking Dead returned last night, and I hope everyone enjoyed this excellent episode that was definitely up to the usual standards of this great show which, if anything, is almost TOO GOOD.
We picked up right where we left off, with Daryl and Merle facing off against one another—brother to fucking brother, y'all!—in Unpleasantville: Beyond Thunderdome! It was cool how I already knew that Daryl was going to be okay, because of the huge spoiler that revealed he would be okay. Where did I see that stupid huge spoiler again...? OH RIGHT AT THE END OF THE LAST EPISODE.
Anyway. Daryl and Merle manage to save themselves with the cunning use of flailing, with an assist from their pals in Grimes Gang 1.0. They all run away, and the sun rises instantly, and Merle can't STFU, even though literally everyone tells him to STFU. In a rare moment of good decision-making, Grimes pistolwhips him, and we get a moment of peace from the constant stream of garbage that pours out Merle's mouth hole.
Daryl uses that moment to inform Grimes Gang 1.0 that he's going to run off into the woods with Merle, prompting Grimes to say the most sensible thing he has ever said: "What about Carol?" Daryl responds that she'll understand, because sure, Carol has only lost every single person important to her, so she's like an Old Hand at understanding things.
Things immediately go back to normal, as Grimes immediately starts being shitty to Michonne, whose capacity to murder the fuck out of everything in sight with her katana is incapacitated every time she's near Grimes. He's like Kryptonite. Except wayyyyyyy more annoying.
Glenn takes out some aggression on a zombie skull (which looks like "zombie skunk" in my handwritten notes, and how cool would that be?), and starts looking at Maggie like she's broken garbage because she was sexually assaulted by Governor
Meanwhile, back in Unpleasantville, there is UNREST! An Unpleasantvillager is bitten by a walker, and everyone stands around wondering what to do. Governor Cyclops strides out of his lair and shoots the dude in the head, then strides back to his lair. And I LOL FOREVER. This show is a comedy, right? This show is definitely a comedy.
Andrea follows Governor Cyclops back to his lair and demands accountability, talking to him like he might be a reasonable human being instead of a ridiculous garbage monster, because Andrea is the most nonsensical character ever written for a major television series. And I'm literally including every character on Dexter in that assessment, so.
Back at Grimes Jail, Carl the Hat is reigning with a tiny, imperious fist. His hat has fused to his head and is strangling his brain. He keeps Tyreese and Sasha and Two White Dudes locked up, leaving their fate to the Solomon-like wisdom of his father. And by Solomon-like, obviously I mean that he will probably propose cutting his baby in half at some point.
Speaking of which, Traveling Grimes Gang 1.0 finally returns to Grimes Jail, and they are reunited with Carl the Hat, Pegleg Pershel, Carol, Teenage Blond Girl, and the baby, who starts screaming instantly upon being placed in Grimes' arms. PERFECT ASSESSMENT, BABY! They should make her their new leader immediately.
Meanwhile, back in Unpleasantville, Andrea gives a shitty peptalk to the townies. And they are all very stupid, so they are super impressed.
Back at Grimes Jail, Hershel gives shitty peptalks to Glenn and Maggie. Shut up, Hershel. Your soft, pleading voice is making me want to throw myself down a zombie well! JUST SHUT UP!
Grimes Gang has a confab about how they're a black guy down, so Grimes decides to interview Tyreese for the position. The interview is, however, interrupted by Lori's ghost, who appears to be wearing a Vera Wang wedding gown. Grimes is obviously losing what little of his fucking mind there is left to lose, which should probably suggest to the Grimes Gang that continuing to follow this screwball is MAYBE NOT THE BEST IDEA, but instead they will probably determine that he is a wizard and follow him EVEN HARDER.
The Ricktatorship is itself like a zombie. It will never die unless you smash its head into oblivion with a shovel. And by "its head," I mean Grimes. And by "smash it into oblivion with a shovel," I mean smash him into oblivion with a shovel.
And elect that baby!
Discuss.
The Parks and Rec Open Thread
"Tear it up, 16! Emancipate some abs!"
(Spoilers are stress-eating gummi penises herein.)
Penis hats! Molecular mixology! Babe Lincoln and the Gettysburg Undress! Ice cream mustache! Touchdown dance! Extra cream; thirty sugars! Tweep! There were a lot of fun things about this episode!
And whooooooooooooops there were a lot of not fun things about this episode!
1. I am Officially Done with no one being able to figure out why Gayle loves Jerry. Leaving aside the gross implicit commentary that someone who is fat and goofy is axiomatically unlovable (by anyone who is not themselves fat and goofy, anyway), it just doesn't even make sense with everything else we know about Ben as the character has been written that he couldn't imagine why Jerry is a lovable guy. The writers are undermining their own work in order to keep making a nasty joke at Jerry's expense.
2. The fat jokes. Gaming t-shirts only come in XXL. Paunch Burger. "Start drooling, fatties." You know, in a show whose main characters eat waffles and steaks like they're going out of style, you'd think we could skip the tired trope about how eating burgers makes people fat.
3. I loved the men's super fun and sweet rotating bachelor party concept. I did not love the juxtaposition of the men having fun while the women worked, especially since there was no frame that suggested work was the perfect party for Leslie, as has happened before. This was no fun for her, or anyone else. I didn't want that for Leslie, and I didn't like how Ann felt it was a failure on her part, and it bummed me out.
4. The entire Wamapoke sub-plot. On the one hand, I liked that the show addressed, pretty bluntly, how local government in states like Indiana have historically oppressed, often violently, native peoples, and that many contemporary interactions are still appropriative and exploitative. On the other hand, I'm not sure that kind of commentary works in a comedy show with ironic humor that looks exactly like non-ironic humor ubiquitously made at Native Americans' expense. There's a lot to tease out about this thread in the episode, so have at it in comments.
Anyway. Here are some other things I did like...
"And anything that can be penis-shaped, will be penis-shaped." "I know you said no strippers, because they make you sad." "Correct." "Can I ask if this entire establishment is a practical joke of some kind?" "I'm just not in the mood for historical nudity. Please, Mr. President, put your pants back on." "It's the lord's work you're doing, John. I'd like four more glasses of Lagavulin in liquid form." "The Zodiac Killer never confessed. Why do I have to?!" "Is that a threat?" "Well, yes, I thought that was obvious."Discuss!
