Trump in Iowa: A Disaster Tale

Last night, Donald Trump had another presidential rally in Iowa, because he is a vainglorious fascist who needs literal applause to survive. And lots of neat stuff happened there, obviously — but, before we get to that, first we need to talk about the open letter to Trump published by the editorial board of the Cedar Rapids Gazette ahead of his arrival. Because it is amazing.
The last time you visited us, you were a candidate for the presidency. Now, you're the commander in chief.

...Mr. President, the campaign is over. You won. Now is not the time to rally. Now is the time to sell your policies, listen to Americans with a stake in those efforts, and govern.

Iowans have questions and concerns about your plans. They can't be heard over the cheers of a rally.
The editors then go on to explain basic policy to Trump, on issues he consistently gets wrong, and repeatedly recommends he meet with the people of Iowa while he's there to learn what the impacts would be of his garbage proposals. The piece ends thus:
That's a lot of ground to cover while you're on the ground in Iowa. But we think it's critical you understand the real world implications of these and many other policies your administration is proposing.

We concede it's not as much fun as hearing the cheers and chants of folks convinced you're making America great again. But it's what presidents do.

Again, welcome to Cedar Rapids, and safe travels. Mr. President.
DAMN. It's one of the best things I've read about Trump in some time, and you should definitely read the entire thing.

So that was the backdrop against which his visit for a Make Clapsounds for Trump Again rally was to take place: Local grown-ups asking the baby king to try to behave like a president while he was in town.

And here's how Trump came to the stage (with grinning white girls taking selfies as one of them throws a "zieg heil" behind him [edit: or maybe she was dabbing, but isn't it fun, ahem, that the U.S. president is so terrible either one seems possible?]):

Thank you, everybody. It is great to be back in the incredible, beautiful, great state of...IOWA! [cheers and applause] Home of the greatest wrestlers in the world, including our friend Dan Gable. Some of the great, great wrestlers of the world. Right? We love those wrestlers. It's always terrific to be able to leave that Washington swamp [cheers] and spend time with the truly hardworking people. We call 'em American patriots. Amazing people.
Everything about that is clearly incredible, but I especially like the part where he says no one works hard in Washington.

Naturally, he isn't talking about himself, because he is working hard all the time to come up with tremendous ideas like the one he shared with the crowd later in his nearly hour-long rambling argle-bargle address.

And we're thinking of something that's unique. We're talking about [pauses and swishes his hand through the air] the Southern border. Lots of sun, lots of heat. We're thinking about building the wall as a solar wall, so it creates energy [applause] and pays for itself. And this way, Mexico will have to pay much less money! And that's good. Right? Is that good? [cheers] You're the first group I've told that to! A solar wall. Makes sense. Let's see. We're working it out. We'll see. Solar wall. [swishes hand through air] Panels. Beautiful. I mean, actually, think of it. The higher it goes, the more valuable it is. [chuckles] It's like— [audience laughter] Pretty good imagination, right? [he points at his head] Good? My idea. So we have a good shot. That's one of the places that solar really does work. The tremendous sun and heat. It really does work there. So we'll see what happens with that. That would be great. And I think we could make it look beautiful, too. It would really look beautiful. So that would be nice.

Among the other big league ideas Trump proposed last night was the creation of a law that has existed since 1996: "Trump in a rally on Wednesday evening said immigrants who enter the United States should not be eligible for welfare benefits for five years, though such a law has already existed for 20 years. ...Known as the Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996 (PRWORA), the legislation was passed during the administration of former President Bill Clinton and said that an immigrant is 'not eligible for any Federal means-tested public benefit' for 5 years, which starts on the date the immigrant enters the country."

Having been through the immigration process with Iain, I can confirm that this law indeed already exists!

Details. Minor details.

The important thing is that Trump is winning. Winning so much. Just driving everyone crazy with all the win, win, winning.

And we are making such incredible progress. We are making progress like nobody can believe. These people [points at media] are being driven craaaaazy. Crazy. [applause] I mean, they have phony witch hunts going against me; they have everything going. And you know what? All we do is win, win, win. We won last night. They can't believe it. They say, "What is going on? WHAT IS GOING ON?!" [applause] We won last night. And even the worst of 'em said, "That was a big win for Trump. I couldn't believe it, actually." [points at media] Thank you very much, folks. I appreciate it. [audience laughter]
I'm not sure to what win he's referring. It must have been so big that my puny ears couldn't handle hearing about it.

So, in sum: Trump believes he is nonstop winning. He's got loads of great ideas, including laws that have existed for two decades. And he continues to be an embarrassing wreck who is only happy when he is standing on a stage basking in the sound of applause from people who don't know anything.

Everything is fine in America.

*jumps into Christmas tree*

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