Last night, after getting totally shit-faced on two glasses of wine while over at my parents' for dinner (I have no tolerance at. fucking. all. lol), I tried to explain this video, a perennial Shakesville favorite, to my dad:

Voice Off-Camera: Hey, Kiefer. You're a pirate, man.

Kiefer: That would explain everything. [jumps into Christmas tree]
"It's Kiefer Sutherland and it's—did I mention it was Christmas? Yeah, it's Christmastime, and there's this tree. Wait. Okay, so Kiefer Sutherland is there, and he's like maybe as drunk as I am right now, and some dude says—oh, and there's music playing. But yeah, the dude says, 'You're a pirate, man,' to Kiefer, and he's all: 'That would explain everything.' And then he fucking JUMPS into the Christmas tree. It's awesome. It's my favorite video on the entirety of YouTube. You know what YouTube is, right? Yeah? Kinda? Okay, well, whatever, it's the best video pretty much anywhere ever. Like, seriously, he JUMPS into the Christmas tree. For realz."

By the time my head lolled back around to look at my dad, I noticed he wasn't even paying attention and was staring at the football game.

Which he does when I'm sober and saying something important, too, but this time I couldn't blame him.

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