Welp, it's official! Former New York Governor George "Who?" Pataki has jumped into the clown car and is seeking the Republican nomination for the US presidency.
Are you so excited?! I bet you are! I KNOW I AM! If you are SO EXCITED that you can barely contain your OVERFLOWING ENTHUSIASM, please check this box: □
Former Senator Rick Santorum also joined the Bozo Brigade this week, and he started his campaign with a smash: Appealing [sic] to the middle class with "winsome" rhetoric like "I know what it's like to be an underdog" (no shit, loser) and mocking Hillary Clinton on his campaign website's error page. Well, in good news, at least his campaign website has a picture of one real presidential candidate on it now.
Speaking of Hillary Clinton, corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina can't stop speaking of Hillary Clinton! And following her around! And reporters are starting to question her about it, and she's not very happy about that! "I planned to be here weeks and weeks ago!" Okay, player!
Also speaking of Hillary Clinton, Senator Marco Rubio is going with the whole "she's an entitled bitch" thing, right on his campaign website, so that's pretty cool. I like how it's titled, "This Is What You Need to Tell Your Friends about Hillary Clinton." Haha, hey conservatives, have you heard (fewer than one biebillion times) that Hillary's a haughty monster?! BREAKING NOOZ! Pass it on!
That is only FOUR of the official GOP candidates, and I am already exhausted! Because these people are exhausting! Let's see what the other FIVE (!!!) official GOP candidates are up to!
Senator Ted Cruz: Calling for federal relief for Texas, after voting against federal aid after Hurricane Sandy. Sounds about right.
Professor of Bible Bigotry Mike Huckabee: Conflating Native Americans with jihadists. Sounds about right.
Senator Lindsey Graham: Explaining that he knows Iranian officials involved in the international nuclear talks are lying because "Everything I learned about Iranians I learned working in the pool room. I met a lot of liars, and I know the Iranians are lying." Sounds about right.
Dr. Ben Carson: Talking utter rubbish about Benghazi. Sounds about right.
Senator Rand Paul: Appropriating #BlackLivesMatter in Chicago to talk about crime being a spiritual problem FOR REAL OMG. Sounds about right.
And that's all the clowns currently in the clown car! As for the clowns running alongside the clown car...
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker defends mandatory ultrasounds. Sounds about right.
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal throws some shade at Rand Paul and says he's "unsuited to be Commander-in-Chief" because this was going to be the polite primary! Sounds about right.
And I'm sure former Florida Governor Jeb Bush is up to some contemptible nonsense, but WHO EVEN CARES THERE ARE SO MANY OF THESE CANDIDATES AND THEY ARE ALL THE SAME THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE OMG IS THIS A NIGHTMARE WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING.
In other news: The chief executive of a super PAC formed in support of former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley says, with all the subtlety of a giant sledgehammer with MISOGYNY carved into it, "This is not your grandmother's super PAC."
Wake me November 9, 2016.
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.
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