(Spoilers lurch undeadly herein.)
The Walking Dead returned last night, reuniting us with all our stupid heroes who are still trudging after Grimes because his patriarchal posturing + dithering + gunz has "kept us alive this far." That is NOT what Dale said! RIP Dale.
When last we left our stupid heroes, they were trapped in a garbage nightmare of swarming zombies and inconsistent writing, and I decided I was done with The Walking Dead. But then lots of Walking Deadheads, even and especially ones who love the show, told me that my hating the show was super fun for them, which I totes get because I loved reading anti-Lost recaps, so here I am—back with more sarcastic contempt for your enjoyment!
(Please don't let that discourage you from loving the show in comments! LOVE THE SHOW! HATE THE SHOW! LOVE-HATE THE SHOW! The Walking Thread is for EVERYONE!)
Here are the Top Five Worst Things About This Garbage Episode in No Particular Order:
1. Grimes. Grimes will always and forever be one of the worst things about any and every episode, because Grimes is terrible. The other survivors should use whatever zombie-free time they've got building a cannon from which to shoot Grimes into the sun, because that will serve them better in the long run than continuing to trail after his mardy, grisly visage all over Georgia while he seethes at his wife and paces the perimeter like a meth-addled wolf hybrid.
2. Carl's hat.
3. We are all infected. So says Lori while freaking out at Hershel about the possibility of her fetus dying inside her and tearing her apart. (I BET YOU'RE GLAD YOU LET GRIMES TALK YOU OUT OF THAT ABORTION, HUH?!) But if everyone is infected after all, then why does it matter if the zombies bite them? Why does it matter if zombie blood gets in a scratch on their skin? And if it matters that zombie blood gets in a scratch on their skin, WHY ARE YOU STILL KILLING ZOMBIES IN TANK-TOPS WITH ACRES OF EXPOSED SKIN, MAGGIE?
4. Just when you think you have a pretty good handle on remembering just how infernally fucking boring this show is, Maggie and her sister whose name I can't be bothered to look up start singing the slowest goddamn song of all time, and then you're like OH RIGHT THIS SHOW IS LIKE WATCHING ZOMBIE BLOOD SPLATTER DRY.
5. Everything else.
In summation: Fuck this show. Discuss.