Primarily Garbage

image of Mitt Romney on a patriotic background with text reading: 'Mitt Romney: Whooooooooooooops I am your candidate now!' and a gold star reading: 'The 1% Solution!'

Welp, Mitt Romney won big (or, at least, won) in Wisconsin, Maryland, and D.C. last night. He trounced the competition, such as it is, in Maryland, and really did the business in D.C., where Rick Santorum wasn't even on the ballot. (Whoooooooops!) Romney squeaked by Santorum in Wisconsin, 42%-38%, but a win's a win, even when you're such a stinking mess of a candidate that you can barely beat Rick Santorum. So congratulations, Mitt Romney! You are again the least barfiest!

Mitt Romney is definitely the candidate now, despite the fact that there are three nincompoops still trudging along the campaign trail like it's going to lead them anywhere but the presidency of Garbage Town. Even the Democrats are like, "Let's get on with this thing and start defeating Mitt Romney!"

For realsies, can we all just agree that Mitt Romney is the Republican nominee now and get on with our lives already? Does anyone have any objections?

image of Rick Santorum during a debate raising his finger in protest
Oh for fuck's sake.

The Pennsylvania primary is later this month (April 24, along with Connecticut, Delaware, New York, and Rhode Island), so Santorum's vowing to soldier on, trying to prove he's the Republicans' man by winning in his home state. Which, of course, makes as much sense as the rest of Rick Santorum's cockamamie ideas. That is to say: None. Electability is not evidenced by winning one's home state. It's winning in the states where no one has a home-team fondness for you. And, yesterday, Santorum proved again he can't do that, except in Southern Republican primaries among the most socially conservative voters in the nation.

So put your finger down and go take a nap, Santorum! Christ!

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney really took the fight to President Obama last night after his big sweep: "President Obama thinks he's doing a good job—I'm not kidding. It's enough to make you think that years of flying around on Air Force One, surrounded by an adoring staff of true believers telling you that you're great and you're doing a great job, it's enough to make you think that you might become a little out of touch."

LOL MITT ROMNEY YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE! Does he have Manchurian handlers? Are his handlers paid monkeys from a failed carnival? Is there really no one on his campaign who won't give him this very good advice I'm about to give him for free? Mitt Rommey, do not start a debate about who is more out of touch with the average USian, because YOU WILL LOSE THAT FIGHT. And YOU WILL LOSE IT EVERY TIME. And the news of your loss will have to be delivered to you by space pigeon in the ruby rocketship you use to commute between earth and your gold mansion on the moon which has fully eleventy elevators just in its glorious gilded garage.

You are going to have to find SOME OTHER LINE OF ATTACK against President Obama. And since "he's really, really not progressive enough" isn't exactly a winner for you, GOOD LUCK!

You, sir, are going to need it.

image of Romney looking stricken, to which I have added text that looks like it's behind him reading FUUUUUUUUUUCK

In other news, after President Obama quite rightly said that Rep. Paul Ryan's Republican budget was nothing but thinly veiled social Darwinism, ABC News headlined their coverage with: "President Obama Delivers Blistering Partisan Attack on Modern Republican Party." Ha ha yup. Where "blistering partisan attack" equals "correctly observing their budget is total garbage."

Now if you'll excuse me—I have to go deliver a blistering partisan attack on Dudley by observing that he's sorta lazy.

image of Dudley the Greyhound lying on his back on the couch with his legs in the air; he is saying 'Leave me outta this.'

"I'm serious!"—Dudley. (He's not serious.)

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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