Primarily Horrendo

image of Rick Santorum on a patriotic background under a banner reading 'Winner! Winner!' and flanked by two stars reading 'WTF?!'

Welp, the groundhog came out of his hole yesterday, went to the polls, and cast his vote for Rick Santorum, thus forecasting six more weeks of primary. Santorum, the rightwingiest rightwinger who has ever rightwinged across America in a branded sweater vest, won the crucial primaries in Alabama and Mississippi last night. Worse yet for Mitt Romney, he did not even come in second in either state; Newt Gingrich did. Romney came in third. Or, as those of us who, unlike Ron Paul, have realized Ron Paul is not a viable candidate call it: Dead last.

He did, however, win Hawaii.

The problem is that Mitt Romney didn't need to win Hawaii. He needed to win Alabama and Mississippi—or at least come in a close second. Whooooooops! Santorum beat him by 3% in Mississippi and 6% in Alabama. That's not losing by a nose unless, perhaps, it's Dudley's nose.

image of Dudley the Greyhound with impossibly long nose saying 'Leave Me Outta This'

Romney is not doing well among women, which is no big surprise since he says things like: "Planned Parenthood, we're gonna get rid of that [when I'm president]." The Republican candidates are so far right on reproductive rights issues that one imagines the only women who turn out to vote for them are the ones who subscribe to a QuiverFull-style ideal of womanly submission, which would make Rick Santorum the only candidate retrofucky enough to deserve their Jesus-approved votes.

Santorum knows he can't steal this thing from Romney in earnest with Gingrich still hanging around, though, so he would like Gingrich to GTFO please and thank-you. Gingrich, of course, is all, "Ha ha have we met?" He is not going anywhere, as long as Romney's still in it to win it.

So, that's where we stand. Romney can't win the South, and Santorum can't win in any state that's reasonably purple, which means both of them would be weak in a general election. The Republican Establishment may view the best way to win as smashing them together on the same ticket, even though they clearly despise each other. That's what happened in 1980, when St. Ronald Reagan and his fierce primary competitor George H.W. Bush, both of whom would have happily decided the contest with a pistol duel given the opportunity, found themselves on the same ticket.

And I'm sure we all remember what happened next!

image of Ronald Reagan standing in front of flags grinning proudly, to which I have added text reading 'I used to be in movies with monkeys!'

Despite my jokes about how any one of these assholes will definitely lose to President Obama, I don't actually take that for granted. There was a hell of a lot of, "He'll never win!" about two-term Republican president Ronald Reagan, and there was a hell of a lot of, "He'll never win!" about two-term Republican president George W. Bush. And caveats about the Supreme Court's appointment of Bush notwithstanding, if Gore had won in a landslide, I'd be writing this from my hydroelectric-powered green-hut on the recently discovered Planet E2, made possible by the trillions spent on SCIENCE in the last decade+, rather than from my shitty energy-inefficient office powered by a crumbling infrastructure in a state bankrupted by Bush's former budget director.

(This is all true.)

So, while it's a fact that a Romney-Santorum, or ha ha Santorum-Romney omg, ticket would be a fucking joke, it's not the sort at which one snorts derisively if one has any sense. It's more like a joke that manifests as night terrors from which you awaken laugh-screaming and wondering how you stumbled into a David Lynchian nightmarescape where the only thing that makes sense anymore is Isabella Rossellini's crooked blonde wig.

ANYWAY! In good news, President Obama's approval rating is back up to 50%. He must be sooooo grateful to all the Republican candidates for being just the grossest garbage monsters! "Send them all thank you notes and tell them I'M SO WELL-RESTED from campaigning by NOT SAYING ANYTHING."—President Barack Obama.

Also: Sarah Palin wants to debate Obama. LOL. Sure.

Next Stop: Missouri! (Again.)

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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