Primarily Endless

GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE! If you are still maintaining maximum enthusiasm for the TOTALLY EXCITING and VERY AWESOME and HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME NEVER-ENDING Republican Primary, please check this box: □

If you failed to check that box, maybe this amazing news from the DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY will wake you out of your lethargic stupor: President Barack Obama has won the Democratic nomination for president! Shocking, I know! That was a real nail-biter!

image of President Obama leaning back in a chair grinning, to which I have added text reading 'One down, one to go...'

Now he's just got to trounce whichever Mitt Romney wins the Republican nomination in the general election, and he can finally be all, "CHECKMATE!" in the 12-dimensional game of chess he's been playing for four years and finally be the progressive he's secretly been all along! THIS WILL DEFINITELY HAPPEN FOR SURE! Just you wait and see! (Ladies.)

In a fun twist, this is actually the latest argument Mitt Romney is making: "Mitt Romney broadened his election-year critique of President Barack Obama on Wednesday, saying he misleads Americans about his true intentions in order to win re-election. ... The Republican front-runner said the president has shifted positions to curry favor with voters ahead of the election, saying that 'Candidate Obama' has 'experienced a series of election-year conversions'."

Oh, Mitt. Mitt Mitt Mitt. Did we learn NOTHING from yesterday's free advice? You cannot win on accusing the President of being "a little out of touch," and you also cannot win on accusing the President of flip-flopping etchasketchery.

I repeat: Mitt Rommey, do not start a debate about who is more unprincipled, opportunistic, and pandering during this election, because YOU WILL LOSE THAT FIGHT. And YOU WILL LOSE IT EVERY TIME. And the news of your loss will have to be delivered to each of your twelve gold moon mansions, because no one is sure where you live anymore. (That is a metaphor for your ever-changing positions, Mitt Rommey, JUST IN CASE THAT WASN'T CLEAR!)

And you will DEFINITELY FOR SURE WITHOUT A DOUBT lose that debate when you try that line of attack on President Obama the day after one of your surrogates went on CNN to try to peddle your presidency by saying "that voters—particularly women—would not be exposed to Romney's 'real views' until the general election."

When one of your major selling points is "I'll be different during the general election!" you can't go around accusing the other guy of inconsistency! GET A GRIP, MITT ROMNEY! JESUS JONES!

Oh, and while we're on the fucking subject of what a terrible candidate you are in every conceivable way and how your messaging has all the sophistication of "I'm rubber and you're glue," if you want to stick with the whole "Obama's out of touch" thing, you might want to cancel your birthday party at Trump Tower. I'm just saying.

Campaign Fail

Fuck is right, sir! Fuck. Is. Right.

Hey, here's something fun that former Republican Congressman and current news cable head Joe Scarborough said on his show the other day: "Nobody thinks Romney's going to win. Let's just be honest. Can we just say this for everybody at home? Let me just say this for everybody at home. The Republican establishment—I've yet to meet a single person in the Republican establishment that thinks Mitt Romney is going to win the general election this year. They won't say it on TV because they've got to go on TV and they don't want people writing them nasty emails. I obviously don't care. But I have yet to meet anybody in the Republican establishment that worked for George W. Bush, that works in the Republican congress, that worked for Ronald Reagan that thinks Mitt Romney is going to win the general election."


Mitt Romney is such a terrible candidate. And now he's leading Rick Santorum in his home state. LOL FOREVER! How terrible a candidate are you when you're losing to Mitt Romney in your home state?! SO TERRIBLE!

image of Rick Santorum looking concerned and saying 'Whooooops.'

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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