[Content Note: Fearmongering; outrage ginning.]
Hey, ya bunch of feminist bats! It's me, Butch Pornstache, America's most beloved political commentator.
I heard some of you weirdos were hoping I'd weigh in on this presidential race, so here I am! Long time no talk about LOVING AMERICA.
Now I know what you're probably thinking: Butch, didn't you used to be a Tea Bagger? Yes, yes I did. But after my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy canceled my BMX Babez subscription and rigged up my phone so Shakesville is the only website I can access on it, this stupid blog is the only reading material I have every time I do a dumper.
And I have to admit, no matter how much I've tried to resist it, I've learned a few things.
Plus, you know the old saying: Consistency is the goblinoid of the salt mines. I've never really understood that saying, but I think it means something about how changing your mind is a good thing. And I guess it still counts if you've changed your mind under the duress of your ex-wife/fiancée Tammy and your stepmom Cheryl screaming at you about how your brainpan is full of what they like to call "indefensible garbage."
Point is: Between Tammy, Cheryl, and you bunch of jerks, I've come a long way, baby!
And, as I don't need to tell you, since you complain about it all the time, being a mediocre white man who's been wrong about everything qualifies me as an expert on any subject I choose.
So here is my tooth sense on the dirtbags and dipshits running to be president of these great United States:
Hillary Clinton: Man, what a nerd! This lady was in her room studying Supreme Court decisions and reading biographies of dead politicians while the rest of us were out shoving leftover pizza through the library book return and smoking weed. Her brain is stuffed full of so much information, I would be scared to get into an argument with her over the spelling of my own name because I'd definitely lose. She's the biggest dork I've ever seen in my life! That seems like a pretty good argument that she should be president to me. We tried the guy you'd most want to drink a beer with, and that didn't work out so hot. I guess presidents should know stuff.
Martin O'Malley: I don't know who that guy is. But I knew a guy named Joe O'Malley once, and he was all right.
Bernie Sanders: This guy seems like a dweeb, too. But not the good kind of dweeb who does all the work when you get paired up for a project in English class. He's more like the dweeb who gets the teachers to sign his yearbook because he doesn't have any friends his own age, and plays Dungeons & Dragons with all the little kids who still let him get away with being mean and shouty about the rules. I kind of want to TP his house. Seems like he could definitely be president without blowing up the planet, though.
Jeb Bush: Oh brother. (No pun intended!) This guy looks like he doesn't even know where he is, and not in the good way. (DRUGS.) He looks like he'd have more fun if he just retired to Florida to play golf and avoid phone calls from his family.
Ben Carson: Nah.
Chris Christie: Pass.
Ted Cruz: I don't get this guy at all. He's always smiling while saying shitty things. It's creepy as hell.
Carly Fiorina: Every time I hear her talking, she's telling me that she's not Hillary Clinton. You're damn right you're not, lady!
Jim Gilmore: Who?
Mike Huckabee: This guy is why I don't go to church. That and also I love to sleep in on Sundays.
John Kasich: Never heard of him.
Rand Paul: Is this the guy whose dad is Ron Paul and whose mom is Ayn Rand? I think Glenn Beck told me I should like this dude back when I was a Tea Partier. My stepmom Cheryl told me that taking advice from Glenn Beck is like taking acting lessons from Steven Seagal, and, as you know, I'm a Van Damme man, so.
Marco Rubio: This guy always looks nervous, and it makes me anxious when I look at him. You know when you go to the post office to pick up your According to Jim DVD collection because when they tried to deliver it your mailbox was full of back issues of BMX Babez you were hiding, and it's really quiet in there, and all of a sudden you have to sneeze and you know the force of it will shoot out a loud fart and it's gonna be embarrassing? That sneezefart anxiety is how I feel when I have to look at Marco Rubio. That can't be a good quality in a president.
Rick Santorum: Yuck.
Donald Trump: Now this is a guy I really have something to say about! DUMP TRUMP! The Donald is always saying he wants to "Make America Great Again." What the fuck, man? AMERICA IS PRETTY GREAT RIGHT NOW. Sure, we've got problems, but what country doesn't? Oh, you know what country doesn't? AMERICA, if you listen to the people who shout at your face that it's the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD if you happen to favor another country's healthcare system or weed laws.
They say America is perfect if some liberal wants to do something, and they say America is terrible if some liberal wants to do something, and I still ain't no liberal and I would rather eat my best friend Dick Balzac's hairpiece than defend liberals, but that shit just don't make sense!
And nothing Donald Trump says makes any sense! He's no president! He's just like this shithead conductor in front of a giant orchestra of anger (CULTURE), waving his little music stick to make the angry people get louder and louder.
If you listen to only one piece of the wisdom I'm dropping on you today, let it be this: DUMP TRUMP! He is bad for America.