Important Pope Type Stuff

[Content note: references to homophobia, Christian Supremacy, abuse, and rape.]

Just in time for you to get your conclave on, here are the answers to all the hottest pontifical questions:

What will he wear? Soon to be ex-pope Benedict will have to give up his trademark red shoes, but apparently he has taken a shine to "a pair of hand-crafted brown loafers made for him by artisans in Leon, Mexico," which he'll wear along with his white cassock.

What will he be called? Keep your cards and letter coming to "your holiness," aka Benedict XVI, pope emeritus, emeritus pope or Roman pontifex emeritus.

Will he still be infallible? Probably not, since he will no longer be able to speak ex cathedra, or "from the chair," meaning he cannot issue official statements as pope.

Will his Twitter still be infallible? Ex-popes don't officially tweet, but the @Pontifex account will remain open, in case the new Pope wants to snark on ladeez with Timothy Dolan continue to communicate to the faithful via social media. And, in theory, a Tweet could be ex cathedra, so don't unfollow just yet.

Where will he live? In a monastery inside the Vatican, with his secretary and his cats.

So is the Vatican just a great place to spend time with your cats, or what? Well, living in the Vatican also offers the pontifex emeritus legal immunity just in case he should need it.

Are there any hints about who the new pope will be? Although speculation is rife, any cardinal who actually breaks the code of silence has been threatened with excommunication.

Will cardinals who abetted abuse or committed other crimes also be excommunicated or excluded from the conclave? Ha ha ha! Nope! But the Vatican is not exactly discouraging scandal-ridden cardinals from staying away.

Won't the Cardinals take their troubles as a sign from God that it's time for a new direction? Yes. No. Who knows? Possibly. However, it is also possible that they wouldn't support change if God sent them a message on an Aldis lamp.

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