The Walking Thread

image of Andrew Lincoln as Rick Grimes in The Walking Dead
^ This fucking guy, amirite?

(Spoilers are lurching around all grody and hissing herein.)

Ugh, this show. It is either definitely a comedy that is flying way under the radar or it is so terrible that even terrible is like, "I am insufficient to describe this show." Maybe both?

Okay, so in this garbage episode of this garbage show, Grimes Gang 1.0 are still holed up at Zombie Prison, where life is a nightmare and Grimes has become AN EMOTIONAL ZOMBIE. If you are ever in need of something to hold down a giant weather balloon before your incredible space jump, use one of the metaphors from this show.

Grimes doesn't even give a squirt about his brand new zombie whistle baby, because she killed the fuck outta Lori, the wife he hated and constantly shamed, by trying to come out sideways or whatever. I guess Officer Smart Guy never considered that Lori, the wife he scolded and resented for even CONTEMPLATING abortion, might POSSIBLY die as a result of this pregnancy, since, in the best possible circumstance, she would have been giving birth in the middle of a zombiepocalypse with a stupid godbothering vet as her OB-GYN.

Turns out that Grimes has been WRONG ALL ALONG in thinking that as long as he wanted everything to be okay and yelled at people enough and murdered the right people and the most zombies, it would indeed be okay. Terrible hypothesis, Grimes! CASE CLOSED. Turn over operations to Glenn promptly and go jump in a zombie well.

Also: Maggie and Daryl found baby formula, diapers, and a bottle in an abandoned daycare center. Good job, you two! Also it looks like Daryl found a sexy new serape. Nice!

Meanwhile, Grimes Gang 2.0 is all Truman Show 2: Beyond Thunderdome. The seemingly nice townsfolk enjoy a fun game of zombie gladiators in which Merle and some other dude fight in the middle of chained-up zombies while everyone cheers. Because obviously EVERY SINGLE PERSON would definitely be okay with that. Except newcomer Andrea, who is all, "Whoa, Gov'nuh!" And Governor Niam Leeson is all, "Don't worry—it's fixed! We pull their teeth out!" Which is definitely the perfect response because the only concern is how someone might be zombified and not that everyone is TRADING THEIR HUMANITY FOR THEIR FEELINGS OF SAFETY PATRIOT ACT.

During zombie gladiators, Iain looked up from his phone, on which he'd been doing important Fantasy Football research (or something) during most of the episode, and said, "What the fuck? Every time I look up, this show has gotten stupider." Pretty much!

Other things that happened with Grimes Gang 2.0: Michonne bailed, because she has a brain. Governor Niam Leeson combed his zombie daughter's hair until whoooooops part of her scalp came off and he put a cheese sack over her head and put her back in her giant aquarium or wherever he keeps her. And Andrea continued to behave like a garbage monster.

So, your basic Walking Dead episode, in which virtually everyone does stupid and unlikable things, and the plot moves forward in an increment of measurement too small to be calculated without the assistance of an electron microscope.

Finally! Just because it cannot be said enough: Rick Grimes is terrible. I would pay a zombie so many Ronpaulbuxxx to eat him.


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