Primarily Horrendo

GOOD MORNING! Is everyone maintaining stratospheric levels of enthusiasm for this delightfully endless Republican primary?! I SURE HOPE SO! If your excitement is feeling a little wilty this morning, maybe this ACTUAL AP WIRE PHOTO of Mitt Romney will help get your democratic juices pumping again:

extreme close-up of Mitt Romney's face
Republican presidential candidate, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney listens while greeting people in the audience at a campaign event in Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania, Thursday, April 5, 2012. [AP Photo]
Why? Why is that a news photo? "The one thing America still does not know about Mitt Romney is HOW BIG HIS NOSE PORES ARE! Let's clinch the exclusive on that!"—The AP.

Give them ALL the Pulitzers! All of them!

In other Mitt Romney news, Romney "has started to raise general election funds for his 2012 bid under the assumption he will be the party's eventual nominee." That's a good assumption! Well done, Mitt Romney! "The campaign is also moving to set up joint fundraising committees with the Republican National Committee that would allow Romney donors to contribute as much as $75,000 per person to his campaign by giving to the RNC, state parties and the official campaign account." That's SO MUCH free speech! Thanks, Supreme Court!

Speaking of Mitt Romney and shitloads of money: "Mitt Romney faces a daunting to-do list as he transitions into the role of likely Republican presidential nominee. Among the tasks: Raise as much money as possible for the general election campaign against President Barack Obama." Ha ha good point! Mitt Romney wants money! Lots and lots of money! (Hey, remember Calloway? What ever happened to Calloway?!) So you should definitely give him some. (No you shouldn't.)

Luckily for Mitt Romney (and definitely not us), he will be getting help from American Crossroads, the biggest of the Republican Super-PACs (again: thanks, SCOTUS!) which "is planning to begin its first major anti-Obama advertising blitz of the year." That should be fun! I can't wait to hear all about how Obama is a socialist commie Muslim from Kenya who was born on the moon or whatever!

Speaking of what a HUGE MUSLIM President Obama is, you should read his suuuuuuper Muslimy Easter address here. "For me, and for countless other Christians, Easter weekend is a time to reflect and rejoice. Yesterday, many of us took a few quiet moments to try and fathom the tremendous sacrifice Jesus made for all of us. Tomorrow, we will celebrate the resurrection of a savior who died so that we might live.... Christ's triumph over death holds special meaning for Christians. But all of us, no matter how or whether we believe, can identify with elements of His story. The triumph of hope over despair. Of faith over doubt. The notion that there is something out there that is bigger than ourselves. These beliefs help unite Americans of all faiths and backgrounds. They shape our values and guide our work. They put our lives in perspective."

OMG I'm practically Muslim now just from READING THAT!

Also: I'm really beginning to think that the conservatives who whine incessantly about a "war on Christians" have a point. Obviously the United States hates Christians and their traditions, especially its Muslim president who cannot stop talking about Jesus Christ.

Hey! Speaking of President Obama never, ever pandering to Christians at all, do you remember when he invited megachurch icon Rick Warren to give his inaugural invocation, even though Rick Warren is a gross homophobe, rank misogynist, extreme anti-choicer, and general jerkbag? Good times, good times. Well, anyway, Obama's BFF Warren is now giving fun interviews in which he says things like: "Most people would not think they're better off economically than they were four years ago." and "I do not believe in wealth redistribution, I believe in wealth creation." and "The only way to get people out of poverty is J-O-B-S. Create jobs. To create wealth, not to subsidize wealth."

Ha ha I hope President Obama invites him back again! That would be SO COOL.

image of President Barack Obama with a consternated face

In other President Obama news: It's "Game On" in Chicago!

Finally: Something something Ron Paul. And Newt Gingrich blah blah wev. While Rick Santorum farrrrrrrrrt.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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