No one dropped out?! Are you fucking kidding me?! NO ONE?! Whut. OH MY GOD. This primary is my big-ass rock and I am Sisyphus, doomed to Photoshop these four colossal beasts of bigotry up a hill only to have my magic wand tool roll down again. (That definitely makes sense.)
Fuck you, Mitt Romney! You don't deserve to win! I hope this primary goes to an open convention and everyone calls you Mr. Poopypants Who Couldn't Close the Deal and then chooses Zombie Ronald Reagan as the nominee, and then alllllll the conservative heads explode when Zombie Ronald Reagan immediately proposes raising taxes, and then Zombie Ronald Reagan says, "Obama seems like a nice enough Republican; I'mma vote for him!" then disappears in a plume of sulfurous smoke, leaving you a one-man party with only your own vote against a nation who now considers Barack Obama its rightwing and promptly elects Representative Barbara Lee its new president.
True Fact: The above scenario has as much chance of actually happening as Newt Gingrich has of winning the nomination, and a slightly better chance of actually happening than Ron Paul winning the nomination.
* * *
I can't even fucking believe the numbers of people who are voting for Rick Santorum. It's terrifying. It's like I went to sleep one night and woke up in one of Margaret Atwood's nightmares.
Actual Text Exchange Between Deeks and Me Last Night as We Watched the Returns Come In:
Deeks: OMG this election.
Liss: I know. I KNOW.
Deeks: We all ARE FUCKED.
Liss: At this point, I am honestly just hoping I die before the terrifying economic depression/global thermonuclear war/climate catastrophe/antibacterially-resistant biological nightmare comes.
Deeks: Good plan.
ANYWAY! Here are the garbage results from SUPER TUESDAY!
Massachusetts: Romney
Ohio: Romney
Idaho: Romney
Virginia: Romney
Vermont: Romney
Alaska: Romney
Tennessee: Santorum
North Dakota: Santorum
Oklahoma: Santorum
Georgia: Gingrich
What you'll notice about those results is that Romney is not winning the South. In Virginia, both Santorum and Gingrich failed to make the ballot in time, so Romney won, but Ron Paul took 40% of the vote. Coming up later this month are primaries in Alabama, Mississippi, Missouri, and Louisiana—and if Romney can't seal the deal in any of those states, the possibility of a brokered convention will inch closer to a reality.
Next Stop: Kansas!
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.
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