Primarily Stupid

badly photoshopped image of Romney with American flag, eagle, and Constitution background, flanked by two yellow stars reading 'Whoops for America!' and underneath a banner reading 'Winner!'
Congratulations! You are the least barfiest!

Wowee wow! What a come from ahead! (That's what zie said.) Mitt Romney, as predicted by seriously everyone anywhere ever, won the Florida primary last night. This morning, I am reading lots of articles with headlines like "Why Romney Won" or "Why Gingrich Lost," and all of them are hundreds of words too long, because the reason why Romney won and why Newt Gingrich lost is because Mitt Romney isn't Newt Gingrich and Newt Gingrich is Newt Gingrich the end.

Speaking of headlines, this is my favorite primary headline of the day, care of ABC News: "Can Mitt Maintain the Mo?" Snicker.

The biggest takeaway from the Florida primary is that Mitt Romney is running a very negative and very dishonest campaign. Failing a chunk of errant meteor falling on his head, he will be the Republican nominee, and, although there is not much enthusiasm for him among primary voters, there is hella plenty of enthusiasm for getting Barack Obama out of office. Come the general election, Romney is going to be flush with silly amounts of cash, and he is going to use every last penny of it to go hard negative on Obama without a modicum of regard for fairness or honesty.

Mitt Romney has zero integrity and even less shame. His ads will be breathtakingly inappropriate. And I hope like hell that the Obama campaign team are ready for it, and have a strategy of counter-attack at the ready, because staying above the fray ain't gonna work.


Newt Gingrich did not call Mitt Romney to congratulate him last night, because he is a jerk no doy. Also: He is getting sued for using the song "Eye of the Tiger" without permission. LOL. What a total jackass.

Speaking of jackasses, something something Ron Paul.

Back to Mitt Romney for a moment now, so I can bring you this great story about how he doesn't give a fuck about poor people because they've got the social safety net to help them! LOL! For realz! "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I'll fix it. I'm not concerned about the very rich, they're doing just fine. I'm concerned about the very heart of the America, the 90 percent, 95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling."

Got that? It's not the poor who are struggling—they're fine! Everyone knows they WANT to be poor! Buncha lazyasses who sold their bootstraps for an xbox. And if (LOL FOREVER) the social safety net needs repair, Mitt Romney will totes fix it! So no worries. Those layabouts will have great lives on the government dime forever, no problem.

Where Mitt Romney needs to focus his energy is on the middle class, which constitutes fully 95% of America, apparently, because they are struggling to make it.

True Facts: In 2010, 16% of the population of the United States, or 49.1 million people, were living in poverty. The younger one is, the more likely to be in poverty: 20% of the US's juvenile population were living in poverty by 2009.

Let me reiterate: Dude's a wild liar.

Rick Santorum, who is definitely still in the race, is also a liar. FYI.

Finally in Primary News, President Obama is still pretty darn popular.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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