Do Not Mess with Women's Birth Control, for Hobbying or Any Other Conceivable Purposes

Conceivable Purposes. See what I did there? Heh heh. I crack myself up.

My favorite dude on the planet, Ron Swanson, star of the kickass NBC documentary series Parks and Recreation, sometimes plays a character named Nick Offerman, so I have a Google alert set up to get Nick Offerman news in addition to my Ron Swanson news. And thank the maker for that, or otherwise I might never have found out that Nick Offerman convinced a bunch of Republican lawmakers he's one of them and got invited to their video about the Pill or whatever. At least I think that's what's going on. It's some real Baron von Sasha Cohen shit!

[Content Note That Liss Made Me Put In, But Which I Definitely Think Is a Good Idea, Although It May Just Be the Weed Talking: The below video contains misogynist jokes to underline that the people making these laws routinely express misogyny. There is also one racist joke and one rape joke, the latter of which briefly references a sexual assault and is of the sort that makes the point sexual predators are gross and wrong, and also underlines that the people making these laws are de facto sexual predators, but it is still a rape joke. YMMV on whether you find this effective, acceptable, upsetting, etc. I personally find it reasonably effective, although my opinion is that the inclusion of the racist joke was inappropriate and useless, and the inclusion of the rape joke was unnecessary.]

[Transcript for that shit below.]

It's weird, right? I'm totally the target demographic for this kind of politics—I'm a straight white dude, I'm middle-aged, I'm conservative, I've got a penis, I don't got a vagina, I love babies (even though I don't want to own one, ladies!)—but, as you hippies say, it just ain't resonating with me. I mean, some of that shit ain't even correct! There are definitely lady doctors. There's a lady doctor at the clinic where I went last time I stapled my finger to some plywood doing one of my artistic projects.

I'm not certain it's medicinally accurate that babies swim in tummy-pockets, either. Maybe that's true if you're a koala or some crap like that, but not if you're human. I'm no doctor, but that just don't sound right.

Also, my stepmom Cheryl and my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy are both PISSSSSSSSSSSSSSED about getting their pills taken away. And I don't just mean that figuratively! One time I was looking for something to use to build a cobblestone path in front of City Hall in Butchville on my major-ass train set in the garage, and I found a little round plastic thingy with some pills in it in the crapper, and another one in Tammy's purse, and I glued down them pills and painted 'em brown, and they made hella rockin' cobblestones for the precious feet of the Mayor of Butchville, which is me made out of marshmallows and my own mustache trimmings, but BOY OH BOY were Cheryl and Tammy mad at me! My dad was, too. I thought I'd never hear the end of it, man.

Anyhoo, the lesson I learned is: Don't mess with the ladies' birth control.

Finally: Ron Swanson rules. I rest my case, your honorable womenfolk.

Pornstache: Out.

Ray Wise, Older White Guy in a Suit: Women's reproductive health is an important issue.

Kurtwood Smith, Older White Guy in a Suit: And it's crucial that we have a serious conversation about it.

Brian Flaherty, Younger White Guy in a Suit: Contraception. Birth control. Planned Parenthood.

Judd Nelson, Middle-Aged White Guy in a Suit: We need to speak out about these important concerns.

Nick Offerman, Middle-Aged White Guy in a Suit: You might say, "Wait—there's something about all of you that seems very similar to one another!"

Tim Meadows: Middle-Aged Black Guy in a Suit: You're right. There is. We're all EXPERTS on women's reproductive health.

Wise: What qualifies me to be an expert on women's reproductive health? I'm a 59-year-old man.

Offerman: And late-middle-aged men know the most about everything.

Corey Stoll, Younger White Guy in a Suit: Obviously, our opinions on what non-men do with their bodies are very important and valid.

Smith: Back in my day, women just put an aspirin between their knees and that worked just fine.

Nelson: We also burnt sage to ward off evil spirits, and thought Asian people had the power of flight.

Offerman: Those were the days.

Stoll: If you need proof of my expertise, here's a list of words I know.

Old Guy in a Suit Whose Name I Don't Know: Vagina.

Offerman: Pudenda.

Flaherty: Mons pubis.

Offerman: Squirter.

Smith: Ovaries.

Offerman: Quim.

Nelson: Fallopian tubes.

Offerman: Bush.

Wise: Boobies. I'm practically a doctor.

Meadows: Oh, clitoris!

Flaherty: I touched a vagina once. Right before I got kicked out of the strip club. So, yeah, I think I know what I'm talking about here.

Offerman: Oral contraception is bad, plain and simple. Why? Because I don't understand how it works and science scares me!

Wise: God wouldn't have given women tummy-pockets if he didn't want babies swimming around in them!

Stoll: And that's why we chose to speak up. And I believe you'll find all RELEVANT points of view to be adequately represented.

Old Guy in a Suit Whose Name I Don't Know: Some of us believe that women should not be able to EASILY obtain birth control.

Wise: And others of us believe women shouldn't be able to get it at all.

Old Guy in a Suit Whose Name I Don't Know: It's a broad spectrum.

Meadows: It's just that women don't know the first thing about their own health. That's why there are no women doctors. But they're good at other things, like poetry. And real estate!

Smith: Why don't we ask a woman what she thinks? {All the men are shown laughing.] Because she would faint from the stress!

Offerman: Also, it's a well-known scientific fact that women don't show up on camera. That's why Shakespeare had men play all the female roles.

Nelson: Any women who get angry about us making all these decisions are probably just on their period.

Meadows: Definitely on their period.

Offerman: Gross.

Smith: So, women, don't you worry your pretty little heads.

Stoll: We got this.

Flaherty: We thought long and hard about your bodies.

Wise: And I'm pretty sure we know what's best for you.

[All the men are shown saying, "Trust us. We're experts."]

Offerman: [giggling] Vaginas!

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