Primarily Stupid

OMG, y'all! It's Primary Day in New Hampshire! Are you so excited? I am so excited! I can barely contain my enthusiasm for watching Jon Huntsman not win today! It's going to be GREAT!

In fact, I'm so pumped for this thrilling exercise in American Democracy today, that I'm going to begin this morning's Primary Rodeo with a pop quiz! Are you ready? Get ready!

Q: Who's got at least one thumb and is a full-tilt jackass? A: This guy!

image of Mitt Romney giving the thumbs-up and sticking out his tongue

Speaking of that guy being a jackass, Mitt Romney is under fire, from the other candidates, for saying: "I like being able to fire people that provide services to me. If, you know, someone doesn't give the good service I need, I want to say, 'You know, I'm going to get someone else to provide that service to me.'" Which sounds a lot like "I like to fire people!" as not a few people are (deliberately) misinterpreting that statement to be, but is not. It's actually just the heartless admission of an entitled jackass whose undiluted privilege has rid him of empathy or patience, and convinced him that the failure of "good service" on demand is axiomatically grounds for firing.

Personally, I find that rather worse than a cartoonish version of Willard twirling his mustache while mwah-ha-haing about firing people willy-nilly, but I guess that's easier to convey in a soundbite than, "Romney's the self-important fuckhead who says, 'I'll have your job!' because some of the breading fell off his corndog."

Anyway! Mr. Privilege is still polling best against Obama, but 58% of Republicans want more presidential choices. LULZ. Whoooooooops! Mitt Romney, your new name is "Bizarro Sally Field." They hate you; they really hate you!

In other not-news, Newt Gingrich is a huge hypocrite! "Newt Gingrich has ramped up his attacks on Mitt Romney as a heartless leveraged buyout executive for his years at Bain Capital, asking reporters in Manchester on Monday, 'Is capitalism really about the ability of a handful of rich people to manipulate the lives of thousands of other people and walk off with the money? Or is that, somehow, a little bit of a flawed system?' But Mr. Gingrich was himself on an advisory board for a major investment firm that had a similar business model, Forstmann Little, a pioneering private equity firm co-founded in 1978 by Theodore J. Forstmann that was, along with Mr. Romney's Bain Capital and Henry R. Kravis's Kohlberg Kravis & Roberts, among the leading private equity firms during the 1980s and 1990s." Ha ha ha ha barf!

Newt Gingrich would have to be concerned about this apparent hypocrisy if he were actually running for president and not running to sink Mitt Romney's battleship.

Something something Ron Paul.

Rick Santorum had a fun event yesterday, where he mocked Bob Dole and John McCain being nominated because it was "their turn," and elided the eight-year garbage disaster that was the Bush presidency, when a rightwing religious ideologue was nominated "out of turn" like he would like to be. That's funny for more reasons than because the crowd booed Bob Dole and John McCain, although I find that very funny, too!

Speaking of John McCain, he says that SuperPACs are bad for democracy. No shit, Sherlock!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet! (Watch this space tomorrow.)

Jon Huntsman is zzzzzzzzzzzz New Hampshire zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz almost tied with Romney zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Here's the thing: Even if Jon Huntsman wins today, it's not like he's going to go on to South Carolina and win over the incredibly conservative Republican primary voters by talking about his support for civil unions in Mandarin. And it's unlikely that a slim win over Romney would derail his trajectory: Romney would have to come in fourth today behind Huntsman, Paul, and Santorum for his candidacy to get truly shaky. Which means everyone else is running for vice president, and there ain't gonna be a double-Mormon ticket, so Jon Huntsman is seriously out of luck.

Speaking of potential veep picks, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is a sexist asshole. Gross.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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