Primarily Awful

Republican presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney shares a laugh as he greets supporters during a campaign rally in West Palm Beach, Florida, January 12, 2012. [Reuters Pictures]
"HA HA HA you're fired! HA HA HA you're ALLLLLLL fired!"

Frontrunner (again) Mitt Romney continues to endear himself to the 99% by saying things like: "You know, I think [the nation's growing focus on income inequality is] about envy. I think it's about class warfare." Ha ha sure it is. Definitely what people who are struggling to feed their children are thinking is, "I'm so JEALOUS of Mitt Romney that he is able to feed his children."

I wonder what the weather is like on Planet Willard. I bet every day feels like a summer's eve.

In a stroke of good fortune (pun intended), his opponents' attacks on Romney's tenure as a corporate raider at Bain Capital have backfired on them and united conservatives behind Romney. It's probably not so much that they give a fuck about Romney, although there are certainly signs his inevitability is beginning to sink in, but that they are pissed off about their own unfettered avarice being demonized. Superwealthy GOP donors aren't going to keep pouring their cash into campaigns where they're made into villains, and, if he's got nothing else going for him, Romney can be counted on to never criticize either corporate or personal greed.

In totally related news, Jeb Bush is reportedly going to endorse Romney before the Florida primary.

Before we move on to the obligatory news about the no-hope wannabes, here is my favorite Willard-related headline of the day: C-SPAN Getting Hammered with Prank Calls about Mitt Romney's Penis. Perfect.

Jon Huntsman remains a great candidate: "Jon Huntsman said Wednesday that expectations for his performance in the Jan. 21 primary [in South Carolina] are 'very low.' ... In a state where he's far behind in the polls and in a ground operation, Huntsman suggested that staying in the conversation—rather than winning—is the goal. 'It's just like the stock market, and as we get closer to Election Day, you all are going to say Huntsman has got to clear a certain hurdle to stay relevant, to stay alive,' he said." Nope! We are all saying now that Huntsman has no chance, Huntsman is wasting his time, and Huntsman should go home and go to bed. And as we get closer to Election Day, we are all going to be saying the same thing, only louder and with more snickering.

Something something Ron Paul. Something something fauxgressive misogynists.

Rick Santorum : Sweater Vests :: Major League Baseball Player : Unwashed Socks.

It's called magic. Look it up.

Newt Gingrich, having abandoned his strategy of sounding like someone who cares about the 99%, is now launching a more traditionally conservative attack on Mitt Romney: Noting that he speaks French. Good one, Gingrich. You might not win the primary, but your crass, brazen, cynical fuckery will always remain second to none.

Rick Perry is definitely still in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

And there's a late entry into the Republican field: Stephen Colbert announced on his show last night "that he is exploring a presidential run in South Carolina, and made it legal by handing control of his super PAC to Jon Stewart in the opening segment."

Sure, why not? This whole primary is a joke. It might as well contain an actual comedian.

I'm sure the Founders are so proud. "We're flipping our literal wigs!"—The Founders. Well, that's what you get for being racist, misogynist crumblebums!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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