Primarily Gross

Here's the latest from Bore Trek 3: The Search for Zombie Reagan aka the Republican Primary...

Newt Gingrich has some great new campaign ideas! Don't worry—being a better candidate is not among them! He is going to "launch a 'Pets with Newt' site aimed at Gingrich's love for animals, intended to show a 'lighter side' of the candidate." Which is PERFECT, because he doesn't have any pets. "Gingrich doesn't have any pets at this time, but he told ABC News today he and his wife Callista want a dog in the White House." Do you hear that, America? There is a dog who will probably never have a home unless we elect Newt Gingrich! You know what that means: We'd better petition President Obama to adopt that dog when he's reelected.

The other great new campaign idea? "The campaign also plans to release a music education video starring Callista, who is a classically trained musician and signer [sic]." Perfect. In other news, Gingrich is trying to lower expectations about how he'll fare in the March 6 Virginia primary. That's probably a good idea.

Speaking of Virginia, candidates Michele Bachmann, Jon Huntsman, and Rick Santorum aren't even on the Virginia ballot. None of them submitted the requisite paperwork in time to qualify. Whoooooooooops.

Jon Huntsman is truly running for vice president at this point. Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum think they're running for vice president, but they are not. They are running for Ha Ha Nope and Yiiiiiiiikes, respectively. Good luck to them! They have very good chances of winning!

In other veep news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is "open" to being selected as the eventual nominee's running mate, if that nominee is Mitt Romney, whom Christie endorsed. I'm guessing anyone else would not be interested. Although, if nominated, Ron Paul should really think about it. He and Christie would have a nice Laurel & Hardy quality to them.

Speaking of Ron Paul, his grunge-era newsletters continue to be a very racist and homophobic and ablist thorn in his side [TW]: "A direct-mail solicitation for Ron Paul's political and investment newsletters two decades ago warned of a 'coming race war in our big cities' and of a 'federal-homosexual cover-up' to play down the impact of AIDS. ... Among other things, the articles called the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. a 'world-class philanderer,' criticized the U.S. holiday bearing King's name as 'Hate Whitey Day,' and said that AIDS sufferers 'enjoy the attention and pity that comes with being sick'."

Relatedly, Paul's Iowa campaign chair Drew Ivers said: "It is ridiculous to imply that Ron Paul is a bigot, racist, or unethical." I agree! It is ridiculous to imply that! It should be said outright!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet. He also does not "have a problem with" drugs-testing people who get federal assistance, like unemployment, food stamps, and housing aid. Of course he doesn't. Because he is flesh tower of privilege with crumpled-up paper towels where his brains should be.

Mitt Romney, who is still very rich and will only get richer, won't release his tax returns. EVER! Well, that certainly bodes well for the transparency of a hypothetical Romney administration. I guess once a guy gets an endorsement from Bush I, he thinks he's hot shit!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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