Film Corner!

Y'all know they're making an American Pie 4, right? Please tell me that you know they're making an American Pie 4 and that you're sooooooooo excited about it because you can hardly believe there was ever an American Pie 2, no less an American Pie 3 and now an American Pie 4, or even that it's named American Pie 4 when it's really like American Pie 92 because of all the made-for-TV and straight-to-DVD movies produced under the American Pie Presents label in a desperate bid to milk every last dime out of a shitty franchise as long as Eugene Levy would keep showing up to collect his paycheck and justify the tenuous connection to the original film which is best remembered for the scene of a dude fucking a pie even though it had some remarkably radical scenes of a teenage geekgirl who owned her own sexuality like whoa.

Anyway! The whole original gang is back, because, with the exception of Alyson Hannigan, they're pretty much not doing anything else. They are straighter and whiter and middle classier than ever! And if the trailer is any indication (it is), this film provides us with a lot to be suuuuuuuuper depressed about—although, for my money, the most grim is definitely that John Cho has been given the opportunity to return as a character named "MILF Guy #2." Great!

I don't even know what kind of warning(s) to put on this thing, or if any are even necessary, because it's mostly just gross and inappropriate and stupid. I dunno. The audio is not safe for work, and the content is terrible. Watch at your own risk.

[Paraphrase below.]

Wacky music. Photo on nightstand of Jason Biggs and Alyson Hannigan getting married, in case you're just tuning in or got hit in the head with plummeting space detritus and it wiped out your American Pie memory center.

The married couple—they're married, just FYI—are in their bedroom, which they share as husband and wife because they are married, and Alyson Hannigan in her bra tells Jason Biggs, who is lounging on their marital bed with his laptop, that she is going to take a bath. "Okay, babe," he tells her, without peeling his eyes away from the screen. "Go for it."

As soon as his wife, to whom he is married, starts running the water behind the closed bathroom door in the master bath, Jason Biggs switches the screen to porn. Of course. Because they are MARRIED and thus they are not DOING IT and he has to SNEAK PORN and JERK OFF IN SECRET no doy. R. Kelly's "Bump and Grind" plays—My mind is telling me no / But my body, my body's telling me yes / Baby, I don't wanna hurt nobody—as Jason Biggs pulls a tube sock out of the drawer next to the bed and squirts lube into it.

He masturbates into the sock, sweaty and grimacing, as a female voice emanates from the laptop: "Give it to me, daddy." Record scratch! "Daddy?" Jason Biggs lowers his laptop screen to see his young son standing at the foot of his bed. "Evan! What the fu— You're opening doors now?!" He desperately tries to shut down the porn site and then slams the laptop closed on his wiener. Hardy har. He throws the sock. It lands on his son's head. WHUT. He leaps out of bed: "Evan, don't touch that!"

Whooooooooooooooooooooooops I have barfed all over your trailer! And I am calling Child Protective Services.

Cut to pix of all the cast members with their characters' names, for the American Pie-impaired, set to James' Laid.

Cut back to Jason Biggs, who runs into the bathroom to discover his wife masturbating in the tub. "Michelle?" She gasps. The hand-held sprayer flies out of her hand and slithers around on the bathroom floor, spraying water everywhere. "Oh my god," they both say.

And I agree.

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