Deeky's Garbage Treasures

As you may recall, Deeky is a closet hoarder who sends me his garbage treasures. Basically, the way this works is that Deeky saves useless garbage like we're beyond Thunderdome and useless garbage is now a form of currency and he's a garbageaire. Then, instead of throwing it away, he throws pieces of his collection of strange bits of paper and other detritus into an envelope and pays money to ship it to me—priority mail, so he can track his garbage treasure's path across the country—where it sits in my mailbox until he harangues me to collect it. Then, I empty the garbage contents of the garbage envelope, laugh at it with him until tears are rolling out of our eyes, and throw it away. I mean, put it a special garbage treasure reservoir for safe-keeping!

But not before taking a picture of it so that I can post it, obvs.


[Click to embiggen.]
Some of the contents of the latest package of Deeky's Garbage Treasures: A copy of Roald Dahl's The Witches, illustrated by Quentin Blake, a tag from a Michael Kors shirt, a "How to Use a Condom" guide in English and Spanish from LifeStyles Condoms, a "Jody Landers for Mayor of Baltimore City" flyer ("Together...we can - and we will make a difference."), a green bumper-sticker reading "Go Green Eat Pickles," an STD Facts pamphlet, the 23rd edition of the Baltimore Water Taxi Guide, good from March 2011 through March 2012, a green toothbrush reading "BRACES by DR. BONEBREAK," and a Justin Bieber action figure from the Mini Collection. It's "Red Carpet Justin," for all you curious collectors out there.

I have to admit, however, that the item which made me laugh until I was crying was actually a sealed envelope, addressed to Deeks in one of those fonts that's supposed to fool recipients into thinking it's a hand-written letter. In the same font was printed, "We Miss You." The cynicism of that plaintive marketing message combined with Deeky's undiluted contempt, picturing him dumping the thing unopened into the package destined for me, just sent me into gales of relentless laughter.