I Write Letters

Dear Sir or Madam Raccoon, as the case may be,

Last evening, when you climbed up onto my second-story deck and rapped imperiously at the door, what did you hope to achieve? Did you think that I would come out and present you with a Hot Brown and a mint julep on a silver tray? I understand that you are quite fastidious about washing your food; perhaps I could interest you in this crystal finger bowl—look, it has a gardenia floating in it.

Maybe some drunken undergraduates have thrown you scraps in the past so they could watch you use your tiny hands just like a little person. But you'll get no Bugles, Funions, or Ring Dings here, Sir or Madam!

Please understand that I have nothing against your species. You are undeniably wicked cool. I mean, you're like a cross between a dog and a monkey, and in masquerade to boot! Still, I've seen the scratches you left on my door frame, and I also suspect that you have fleas. Furthermore, I did not fail to notice the enormous deuce that you dropped on the icy deck right outside my door after the last snow for me to shovel up.

So I must ask you to move along, and take those squirrels with you!

Good day, Sir or Madam. I said Good Day!

Not yours to order about,


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