Zachary Quinto and Some Serious Megafail

[Trigger warning.]

Something about which I've written a bunch of times (example) is how a lot of rightwing television commentators like to use their radio shows as little outposts of extremism, on which they air their most heinously radical views for their heinously radical devotees, while playing it more "reasonable" on television for a larger general audience.

It appears to me like video sites like Funny or Die are being used by some actors/comedians in a similar way (example), to do "hilarious" and "un-PC" material (read: mean-spirited and wildly inappropriate), which, if done more publicly for a larger general audience, would certainly not be met with the same reception and would risk compromising the sort of reputation generally required for stars of prime-time network series and/or family-oriented films.

Shaker Procrastinatrix just emailed me about the below video starring Zachary Quinto, one of the cast members of Heroes and Spock in the new Star Trek series. Posted at Funny or Die, he also proudly posted it at his site, where most of his readers found it utterly hilarious.

[Full transcript below.]

No doubt, I'll be told I just don't get it, that I lack a sense of humor, that I can't appreciate the genius of its "edgy irony," despite the fact that anyone with two brain cells knocking together ought to know that using misogynistic language and violence against women as comedy fodder is about as cutting edge as the fucking wheel.

Need I even mention that, like most "hipster irony," the sardonic veil is so thin that a violent misogynist could watch it and find it uproariously funny without ever experiencing a moment of discomfort that suggests he may be wrong?

In the year two thousand and nine, considering dehumanizing shit like this a laugh riot is not hip and it's not cool. It's pathetic and sad.

If Zachary Quinto really wants to be radical, he ought to try being an outspoken and unapologetic feminist in a boring old grown-up and straightforward way, where no room is left for anyone to mistake his position. That shit is edgy. That shit is brave.
HOSTAGE: A Love Story

[A man bursts through the doors of a fast food joint with a handgun.]

Handgun-Wielding Man (Zachary Quinto): Hands up, motherfuckers! This is a fucking robbery! [He points the gun at a man behind the counter.] Hand me the fucking register now!

Man Behind Counter: [grabs rifle and points it at Handgun-Wielding Man] Not today, asshole!

Handgun-Wielding Man: [grabs female customer and points handgun at her head] Back the fuck up or I will cap this fucking bitch right in the fucking head, right fucking now, right in front of your fucking face!

Female Hostage: Please, please, please back up. Oh my god, he's serious. He'll do it.

[Handgun-Wielding Man gives Man Behind Counter a serious look to convey that she's right. Man Behind Counter lowers rifle. Cut to Handgun-Wielding Man and Female Hostage leaving store; he is still holding the gun to her head.]

Female Hostage: Oh my god. Please don't kill me.

Handgun-Wielding Man: Shut the fuck up.

Female Hostage: Oh, no, please, my blood sugar's low. I haven't eaten anything all day! Have you?

[Handgun-Wielding Man gives a look as though he realizes he hasn't eaten all day. Cut to couple at restaurant sitting across a table from one another, talking and laughing. He is still pointing the gun at her head.]

Female Hostage: …and that was the last time I ever crashed a PTA meeting.

Handgun-Wielding Man: [laughing] Stop—you're crazy!

Waitress: [setting food in front of them] One chicken sandwich and one Caesar salad.

Female Hostage: Wait, is this smoked gouda? I thought I ordered regular gouda.

Handgun-Wielding Man: Wait a minute—the gouda's smoked?

Female Hostage: Oh, it's okay. It's just that my dad died of lung cancer, but I'll just pick it off.

Handgun-Wielding Man: No no no. I'll get this. [grabs Female Hostage roughly and turns to waitress] Give me some fucking regular gouda over here, you fucking bitch, or I'll blow this fucking bitch's head off right in front of your fucking face, you fucking bitch!

[Waitress looks horrified and quickly turns and runs away. Female Hostage looks at Handgun-Wielding Man dreamily.]

Female Hostage: How'd you get so sweet?

Handgun-Wielding Man: I have sisters.

[Cut to couple having sex in bed in silhouette, like the love scene from Top Gun with Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" playing in background.]

Handgun-Wielding Man: I'm sorry. [He rolls off of her.]

Female Hostage: It's okay, baby. It happens to everybody.

Handgun-Wielding Man: Not to me, it doesn't. [He points the gun at her head and looks down at his penis.] You better get hard right now. If you don't start working, I swear to god I'm gonna do this bitch in the fucking head right in front of your tiny little mushroom fucking face, you fucking bitch.

Female Hostage: [breathless and turned on] Oh, he'll do it. He will fucking do it.

Handgun-Wielding Man: Look who just came to the party.

Female Hostage: [smiling] I love you. Do you love me?

Handgun-Wielding Man: For realsies, baby.

[Cut to Handgun-Wielding Man on his knees proposing. He offers her a ring while pointing the gun at her face.]

Handgun-Wielding Man: Honey, will you marry me?

Female Hostage: Of course. Of course I will!

[They make out; he holds the gun at her temple, and she puts her hand over his on the trigger. Cut to the Female Hostage in labor at a hospital. Handgun-Wielding Man points both the gun and a video camera at her.]

Handgun-Wielding Man: You okay, baby?

Female Hostage: Yeah, you?

Handgun-Wielding Man: I feel a little faint. [He wobbles woozily.]

Female Hostage: Just remember, baby, you'll do this fucking bitch right here!

Handgun-Wielding Man: Oh, right, right! [He yells at (female) doctor.] Get this fucking baby out of her fucking vagina now or I'll fucking do this bitch in the fucking head right in front of your fucking face, you fucking doctor bitch.

[Sound of baby crying; he faints. Cut to a domestic scene: A little boy chases a little girl with a toy pistol saying "Bang bang bang bang!" Female Hostage does dishes while Handgun-Wielding Man holds a baby and points the gun at Female Hostage's head.]

Handgun-Wielding Man: Timmy, would you stop pointing that gun at your sister? Jesus Christ, where do they get this fucking shit?

Female Hostage: Those damn video games!

Handgun-Wielding Man: [to babe in arms] All right, baby, time to fucking fall asleep right now. Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Jesus Christ. Fuck this—I'm outta here. [He hands baby to Female Hostage and points gun at her, then leaves.]

Female Hostage: Christ, do I have to do everything around here? Oh, that's it—run away. Run away into your bottle, you son of a bitch!

[Cut to a bar, where Handgun-Wielding Man is talking to another (female) patron.]

Handgun-Wielding Man: [throws back shot] I don't understand; it used to be so great, and now it's like, my marriage, my kids, I feel completely trapped.

Patron: Wow. And I thought I had a big pussy. I gotta get out of here.

Handgun-Wielding Man: No, wait, please, have just one more drink with me.

Patron: Yeah, I don't think so.

[Camera pulls back to reveal that Female Hostage, still holding baby, has been standing off to the side with Handgun-Wielding Man pointing gun at her the whole time.]

Handgun-Wielding Man: [to bartender] Hey! Get this fucking bitch another drink or I will do this other bitch in the fucking head right in front of your fucking face, you fucking bitch!

Female Hostage: [tiredly, robotically] He'll do it. He will fucking do it.

[Cut to Handgun-Wielding Man and Female Hostage in therapy with (male) therapist.]

Therapist: I think this was a really great session, huh? [Handgun-Wielding Man, still pointing gun at Female Hostage's head, looks annoyed. Female Hostage looks pleased. Therapist looks at Handgun-Wielding Man.] Do you feel you understand what I'm saying?

Handgun-Wielding Man: Yes. Uh, you're saying I don't need to feel trapped by my love, that it should set me free.

Therapist: No. That's not what I'm saying at all. This [he moves his hands between the two of them] is a horrible relationship.

Handgun-Wielding Man: [turns to Female Hostage and holds gun at her head] Honey, I'm sorry, and I promise that I will never run away again.

Female Hostage: I'm so sorry, too, and I promise I will never fuck our therapist again.

Handgun-Wielding Man: What?

[Therapist shrugs. Female hostage grabs Handgun-Wielding Man's face and they make out. Cut to montage of photos of the couple attending a kid's graduation, going on vacation, standing over a dead bear with rifles, walking in a "Stop Domestic Abuse Charity Walkathon," set to Brad Paisley's "I Thought I Loved You Then." Throughout all, Handgun-Wielding Man holds gun to Female Hostage's head. Cut to couple sitting on a park bench looking at a photo album and "acting old" and trying to kiss each other. Cut to couple walking into a darkened house and talking in "old" voices.]

Handgun-Wielding Man: So the kids aren't joining us for supper then?

Female Hostage: It's just us. We'll have to spend our 50th anniversary alone.

Handgun-Wielding Man: Ehhhhhh.

Female Hostage: What's the matter—you don't love me anymore?

Handgun-Wielding Man: Of course I do. For realsies, babe. For realsies.

[They kiss while he points the gun at her. The lights come on and a ton of people standing underneath a "Happy Anniversary" banner yell, "Surprise!" Handgun-Wielding Man jumps in shock and the gun goes off, blowing a hole in Female Hostage's head. Everyone gasps and looks horrified. They are covered in blood splatter. Female Hostage lies on the floor in a pool of blood.]

Handgun-Wielding Man: Whoops.

[Wacky music. The End.]

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