[If you missed Part One of Teenz Korner, Dem Younginz, check it out here!]
Hey all you Shakers out there in Cyber Space! It's Kenny Blogginz again, Senior Shakesville Teen Expert and 18-year-old Man-Boy of Leisure, and I'm bloggin' out another steaming hot article about my politically active peers! Now everyone knows it's genuine science that for every teen Democrat, there's at least 1/2 of a teen Republican out there. So I decided to take a page out of Fox News's book and represent the Teen Republican side of things; I've heard you have to be "fair and balanced" if you want to make it in the cut-throat world of modern cyber-journalism. I decided to "take it to the streets" and interview some of these Pre-publicansTM.
I figured that the best place to start my Spirit Journey was at a local Christian Youth Group named "Teen Worship 2 Tha Maxxx," which operated out of The Church of God is Jesus of Hope/Prophets and Family-Eagles. As I opened the door, I was accosted by blaring Hope-Jams and eardrum-shattering Lord-Metal. The Youth Ministry Leader was giving a Youth Sermon to the Youths. His name was Will, he was 28, and he wore a denim jacket and sported a luscious rat tail that crept split-endingly down his back. He was heavy into the flow of a Hope Speech when I entered, with one of his Doc Martin boot-clad feet on a metal folding chair, accompanying his speech with air guitar moves. You could tell that the only reason Will even paid attention to the "status quo" was so that he could fuck the shit out of it.
When his sermon was over, I asked if I could interview one of the Pre-publicanTM members of the group, and there were many volunteers. The one who succeeded in gaining my favor through hand-raising enthusiasm was named Kevin.
KenBlog: Kevin, well met. My name's Kenny Blogginz, and I just wanted to interview you about your preferred political party. What made you want to be a Republican in the first place?
Kevbot: A lot of things, really. My faith in Jesus Christ is a huge part of my life, and I want to vote for a presidential candidate who's going to protect people of the Christian MinorityTM like me.
KenBlog: The Christian MinorityTM?
Kevbot: Of course! Will is always telling us new stories about how Christians just like me—and hopefully you!—are being persecuted for our beliefs all the time. Did you know that all gay people belong to something called the Gay Mafia? And that they're using this mafia to push their abominable agenda on hard working Americans? It's a terrible time to be a Christian in America.
KenBlog: You're a real Hero, Kevin. Just keep the flame alive, by bearing silent witness to the atrocities committed against Christiankind all around you. Vote for Heroes, and maybe someday, your children will have the right to Pray in Public School. And then school shootings will end once and for all.
Kevbot: Exactly! America will truly be a beautiful land once a Christian is elected president. This liberal Supreme Court has been running America with their road warriors for far too long. Well, I'm sorry, but I have to scram. My little sister's getting baptized in an hour, and I have to go iron my polo shirt.
KenBlog: Well, thank you for the interview, and by the way, you're a fucking chode and I hate your face.
While Kevbot and company began to pray for me and my dirty, dirty soul, I sped away on my bike, and my mind raced through different possibilities of where to meet my next interviewee. Suddenly I noticed the "Indiana Teens United Against Terrorism" building, and I skidded to a stop. Surely I'd find willing Pre-publicansTM to interview here.
As I entered, a young man was giving a Power Point Presentation entitled "These People Stopped Worrying About Anthrax...AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM!" It was a slide show of violently dismembered human bodies. When the lights came on and people started noticing me, there was much gun-drawing and knuckle cracking. But it didn't take long for the fluorescent lights to illuminate my pearly white Cyber Journalist's SkinTM. I've spent years working on this nega-tan.
I was able to interview an 18 year old Republican named Brian.
KenBlog: I'm squeezing out a piece on Young Republicans. The last Patriot I interviewed was a True Christian. What's your excuse for voting Republican? What kind of Hero-in-ChiefTM are you looking for?
Brian: I'm looking for a candidate who can keep us safe from terrorism. All I want is a little more racial profiling! Is that so much to ask?
KenBlog: I think a lot of people feel that racial profiling is a little racist.
Brian: Hey, if treating brown people terribly will keep violence out of our churches, then I'm all for it.
KenBlog: How do you feel about President Bush?
Brian: He's doing a kickass job, dude. I'm going to hate to seem him go. He's this close to defeating terror; I can just feel it! [Brian holds his thumb and forefinger tantalizingly close.]
KenBlog: Who do you plan on voting for in the upcoming prez election?
Brian: Well, if by some off chance President Bush doesn't amend the constitution and make himself Ultra-Eternity President, I think John McCain looks like an at least mediocre replacement.
KenBlog: How much longer do you think the Global War on Terra should continue?
Brian: Heck, I don't know...ten thousand years? At least long enough until practical lasers are created.
KenBlog: This has been a fine interview. You should be proud of yourself.
Brian: Stay safe, Kenny. I recommend wrapping garbage bags and duct tape all around the outside of your house!
KenBlog: Don't worry, I live in a bomb shelter.
As I wheely-ed away from the ITUAT building, a profound thought struck me right in the gut: I hadn't interviewed any SHE-publicansTM yet! The only place to go was back to the Youth Group from before...but the place was swarming with police officers, who had been called after the church realized it had been infiltrated by a Liberal Terrorist. I pasted a fake mustache on my lip, turned my shirt inside out, and introduced myself to the Youth Groupians as Kenneth Webbe-Blogginz in an exaggerated Cockney accent.
Nobody caught on to my ruse. I approached a She-publicanTM named Brittany.
KenBlog: 'Allo, govnah! I've been chimney-sweepin' all across town talking to Young Republicans and nearly choked on me fish and chips when I realized that I hadn't interviewed a bird yet! Tell me a bit about thyself, young lassie!
Brittany: Hi, Kenneth, was it? My name is Brittany and I'm a young Republican.
KenBlog: Why don't you tell me a wee bit about why you chose to be a Republican?
Brittany: I don't know, why don't I?
[We laugh for 5 minutes, 37 seconds.]
Brittany: Seriously, though, I'm totally into Jesus. I'm heavy into the Jesus Scene. I'm all about Jesus. Sometimes I write fan-fic about Jesus. Anyway, the point is that I side with the GOP because they tend to have Christian candidates.
KenBlog: Those Democrats have Christian candidates too, I heard.
Brittany: Well, yeah, but they're just not Christian...hard enough. I need a president who's going to honor my abstinence pledge. I need a Hero-in-Chief who's going to imprison non-Christians.
KenBlog: Strong words. Would you mind elaborating on the abstinence pledge subject?
Brittany: Not at all! Basically, my dad [she points to an enormous heap of anger and polo shirt across the room] and I got together and promised each other that I wouldn't have sex until I got married. Or kiss boys. Or look at pornography.
KenBlog: Promised each other?
Brittany: Yeah, I promised my dad I wouldn't have sex until marriage, and he promised me that if I did, he would disown/excommunicate me from the town/church.
KenBlog: [still shouting in the exaggerated cockney accent, please keep in mind] I see. Just between you and me, abstinence pledges only cover traditional, godly sex. Not sodomy.
Brittany: I'll keep that in mind.
KenBlog: You can take that one to the bank.
Brittany: I think I'll just keep it under my hat.
KenBlog: As long as you don't put it in your pipe and smoke it!
As we were laughing our troubles away, my fake moustache slid off my upper lip, and Kevin, who was still there talking to police, instantly recognized me. I grabbed my cassette recorder and knocked over my chair behind me, effectively tripping up the police long enough for me to make my escape.
I moseyed on down to the geometric center of my small town, the obvious location for the Super Wal-Mart. The entire store was assembled in Indonesia and dropped by an enormous helicopter right on top of a small neighborhood of blind Vietnam Veterans. No joke. You can't write stuff like that. In the parking lot, I met Assistant Shopping Cart Manager Kyle Jenkinson, who for legal purposes will be referred to as Ru Paul. Also, the Wal Mart/Exxon Corporation would like to state that Ru Paul's opinions are his own, and are in no way representative of the views of Wal Mart/Exxon.
KenBlog: Hi, Ru Paul, you may have heard of me, I'm famous internet personality Kenny Blogginz, PhD. I'm on the run from the police right now. Wanna talk about politics?
Ru Paul: Sure, if we can talk while I wrangle up these FUCKING carts!
KenBlog: Totally, no problem. So tell me a bit about yourself, Ru Paul. Which way do you swing, when it comes to Politics? The Pole (Republican) or The Hole (Democrat)?
Ru Paul: I'm gonna have to go with the pole in that scenario, although I would like to state that I am in no way endorsing the Homosexual lifestyle choice.
KenBlog: America is dying to know: Why?
Ru Paul: Well, I come from a modest background, I've been working at this Ultra Wal Mart [it had been upgraded as we introduced ourselves] for five years, alongside my father, and my father's father, and his father too. My proud bloodline can be traced all the way back to Azriel the Proud, who was actually present at the Creation of this Eden of Low PricesTMX2 and was unfortunately forced into Shopping Cart servitude. My father always tells me about the Democratic candidates around the campfire at night, about how they'll raise the taxes so high that we'll be evicted from the Wal-Mart Camping aisle. We can't afford to be hurt any more by this recession.
KenBlog: Have you done any research on the issue? I'm almost positive that the recession will itself recede if the next president is a Democrat...
Ru Paul: Oh, my father told me that people like you would say things like that, and he warned me that you're wrong.
KenBlog: That's Ultra Ridiculous.
Ru Paul: He said you'd say that too.
KenBlog: Well, now you're just weirding me out.
Just then, Ru Paul's father walked up to me, and handed me an already written copy of this very article...including this part. Disturbing stuff, Shakers, disturbing stuff.
By Paul "Ru Paul Sr." Jenkinson