Teenz Korner: Kenny Dunkinz

Hey Shakers! It's me, Kenny Blogginz again (I'm kind of a big deal) and I'm slipping into my Writing Boots to dance out another golden egg for you. Semi-Pro came out today and it's got the whole blogosphere talking about America's not-favorite pastime, basketballz. I decided that it would be a good idea to go out in the streets and ask a few of my fellow teen heartthrobs what they thought about the sport.

I headed down to the local Christian Teen Basketball House to meet some athletes. The first youth I accosted was attempting an "Olley-Oop Triple Dunkover." He missed, though, so he didn't get any of the points.

KenBlog: Hey kid! Get the fuck over here!

WeirdKid: You talkin' to me?

KenBlog: Fuckin' DUH I'm talkin' to you. Get over here so I can talk to you about basketballz!

WeirdKid: Oh, in that case, you got it. No problem. I love to talk about basketball; what can I say?

KenBlog: I'm Kenny Blogginz, and I write for a cyber weblog on the internet called Shakethatass. I'm hot shit, as opposed to your cold diarrhea. So why don't you tell me your name and a little bit about yourself? In case I feel like pretending to care.

DunkOver: I don't know what the heck the internet is, but around here I'm the hot shit, and you're the cold diarrhea. I can tell you're a maverick with a fierce aura, however, so I'll let it slide. My Christian name is Bill Tipper, but around these parts, they call me Dunkington Layover. That's on account of how great I am at layovers and slam dunks.

KenBlog: Your attitude's a little bit spicy, but I'm going to swallow it, along with my pride, for my cyber-fans. There's a new national sensation that's called Semi-Pro starring Will Ferrell, and it's sweeping the internet like some kind of deadly combination of a hurricane and a wildfire. A hurrifire. Tell me; did you start playing basketballz when you saw Semi-Pro earlier today, in order to be more like Will Ferrell, star of Semi-Pro, rated PG-13?

DunkOver: I haven't seen Semi-Pro yet, and I started playing basketball when I was 13, because my parents made me. I hated it at first, until I got real good at it. Then I loved it.

KenBlog: What kind of awards have you won for your basketballz skill?

DunkOver: Well, I won the 1998 Southern Illinois Dunk'em'up Contest, the 2002 Triple Hoop Dip-off, and. of course, the coveted Christian Youth Dribble-Drabble.

KenBlog: I'm sure your parents are very proud of you.

DunkOver: They really are. [gong noise] Oh, that's the coach's gong, I'd better get going.

KenBlog: Bye!

Next, I visited the Cradle 2 tha Grave Christian Street Ballaz over at the YMCA. I talked to the founder, Pastor-Coach Doug Dean, Shining Knight of Dunk Slamming, who sidled up uncomfortably close to me for our interview.

KenBlog: Uh, hey buddy! I'm interviewing basketballz enthusiasts about their favorite sport, in light of the new film Semi-Pro.

DougDean: That sounds like a simple, relevant topic for an article.

KenBlog: Thank you, it truly is. So riddle me this, sir; has Semi-Pro reaffirmed your love for basketballz, or has it made you love it more?

DougDean: I haven't actually seen Semi-Pro yet. Is that the new sports movie with Will Ferrell?

KenBlog: Yes. And it's totally not like any of the other sports movies with Will Ferrell.

DougDean: I see.

KenBlog: Why don't you tell me a little bit about your team, coach?

DougDean: I'm the coach of the Dundee Mutant Badger Wolverbeasts. You might know my team by its previous controversial and embargoed-by-court-order mascots like Big Chief CasinoAlcoholic and KungFu Ricefucker, or our current mascot, TopHat Spatsley, the hilarious faux Briton. We've won 9,000 Regional Championships, and we've won the SuperBowl twice.

KenBlog: That's very impressive. How would you say Will Ferrell's new movie, Semi-Pro has improved your team?

DougDean: Well, I wouldn't say that it has at all...you said it just came out, right?

KenBlog: Yes, just today.

DougDean: Well, then I don't see how it could have possibly influenced my team...?

KenBlog: Go on.

DougDean: Please take your hand off of my leg.

Doug Dean was a terrible source of information. Shakers, that interview was like trying to squeeze blood from a stone, or some other such difficult task. My basketballz bush was still a-burnin', however, and there was only one man with the juices to quench it—Slam-Dunk Steve, of the Ohio FreedomHawks. I met up with him at his $900,000,000 estate on the moon.

KenBlog: Thank you so much for sitting down with me. I've been interviewing people all day about the ramifications that the new film Semi-Pro could have on the basketballz world.

SlamDunk: It's a pleasure to talk to you, Kenny; I'm a huge fan of your work. I often pleasure myself to your articles at night, here, in my house, which happens to be on the fucking moon. I actually saw Semi-Pro earlier today, and I thought it was a true Laugh RiotTM. I'm a little bit worried, however, that this film could make a mockery of basketball.

KenBlog: Please elaborate, sir.

SlamDunk: Well, I'm afraid that children will watch this movie, and think that they can be basketball stars when they grow up by working on their comedy routines instead of practicing The Fundamentals. This could potentially turn basketball into a nationwide Harlem Globetrotters association.

KenBlog: No offense, sir, but that sounds like heaven on earth.

SlamDunk: I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree, because I couldn't bear to see my proud profession slip into lunacy because of Mr. Ferrell's knee-slapping romps. How would you like it if some upstart came along and started writing fake interviews with a bunch of colorful characters, and started making more money than you?

KenBlog: I would go to the store, buy the largest gun I could afford, and blow my fucking brains all over the ceiling.

SlamDunk: Well, now you know how I feel. Good day, sir!

KenBlog: Good day. Have fun in your fucking moon house.

I flew back to earth in a daze. Slam-Dunk had really opened my eyes to the dangers of the basketballz world. He really reminded me of just how delicate life is. If your Pep-pep is still alive, I urge you to find him and give him a large hug, or a firm handshake. Or maybe just a nod and a wink. Or a high five. If you have a secret handshake, then do that too.

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