Whatever the problem is, I’m quite sure it can be blamed on a woman.

In Double, Double Toil and Trouble, Katha Pollitt correctly identifies some of the most troubling problems plaguing us today that are totally women’s collective fault: rape, gay preachers, Iraq, illegal immigration, grousing, bad dogs, childhood obesity, and national ruin. It’s a good start, but the list is incomplete, to be sure. Like, what about pedophilia, for instance? Everyone knows that behind every heinous pedophile, there’s a liable woman:

A man who pleaded guilty to molesting two girls told a judge he did it because of his wife's excessive bingo playing.

"My wife was never home," Floyd Kinney Jr. said during his plea hearing Friday.

…Kinney, 49, said his wife would sometimes argue with him over money and that he was angry she was spending too much on bingo.

"She would be going to bingo three, four times a week. I told her to stop going to bingo, and she said, 'If they had bingo every day, I'd go every day,"' he said.

There was a perv, had an excuse, and bingo was its name-o!

Kinney’s defense attorney said “his client was not articulate and may have not been doing a good job of conveying his rationale,” but Northampton County Judge F.P. Kimberly McFadden was having none of that shit, bitchez.

"I think he is telling me exactly what was going on," the judge said. "His wife was not home so he was going to perpetrate on someone and he picked these two children."

…"Some people, when their wives are not home, decide to do other things, like clean their living rooms," McFadden said.

And some go out and molest underage girls! Potato, potahto. Can you really blame a man for what he does when his wife leaves him alone?! If he’s left to ramble aimlessly around the house with no one over whom to exert arbitrary control to make himself feel manly, well, shee-it. What do you expect will happen? He’s only human, for god’s sake.