Tomorrow Belongs to We

As the facilitator of your local chapter of Focus on Family, I wanted to take some time out of my busy schedule of preventing other people from living their lives in a manner that makes me vaguely uncomfortable, to let you know about the exciting new changes you can expect to see here at FoF in the upcoming months.

Now, I realize change is not something we here at FoF are in the habit of encouraging, and I’m certainly not suggesting we move away from the compassion and concern for future generations which brought us together in the first place, but if we are to continue to be a force for good in the United States of God bless America, we need to expand our original goals and attempt to bring our message of peace, tolerance and man/woman love to everyone who needs to hear it- ie, everyone. We need to, well, not evolve, of course (ha ha!), but open our arms to other groups who share our deep-rooted commitment to spirituality and compassion, even our surface level connection with them is less than readily apparent.

To that end, I’d like to tell you some of the new partners you can expect to be seeing take arms with FoF in the coming months. Please, give a slightly less judgmental than usual welcome to:

COBRA: I’m probably most excited about this match-up. With their access to a near unlimited number of warm, potentially activist bodies, Cobra is uniquely positioned to help us spread our teachings and influence, be it through the word of Christ or laser-bearing armored vehicles. We can provide Cobra, long entrenched in their snake-based paganism, with a stronger, more relevant viewpoint, and give them the credibility they need to become major players in the American political scene. I’ve had the pleasure of talking with some of the group leaders, and while I can’t go into too much detail for security reasons, they’re strict attention to detail and amazing discipline, as well as adherence to more classical standards of nobility, give me high expectations for coming months.

DECEPTICONS: Focus on Family has a great number of resources- the ear of governments, grassroots support, the blind adherence of those so frightened by the world that they are incapable of rational thought- but what we don’t have are giant talking robots which turn into guns. That’s where the Decepticons, led by the fearsome Megatron, come in. After attempting to bring much needed structure to their home planet Cybertron, the Decepticons where forced into space, crash landing on the planet Earth four million years ago, where they lay dormant until awoken by a volcanic eruption. The fate of Earth is not their primary concern, as they are locked in a civil war against the evil, overly permissive Autobots, but they have leant us a sympathetic ear, and once we are able to properly synthesize the energon cubes the robots need to continue their freedom struggles, they have agreed to join our cause. They, too, understand what it means to be wrongly persecuted.

SKELETOR: I’ll admit, I was initially reluctant to return this fella’s phone calls. A walking, talking skeleton- who lives in a castle shaped like a skeleton- just doesn’t seem to have a place in our in vision of the future. But his persistence (and the constant influx of dead secretaries- they weren’t even my secretaries) finally got my attention, and once I heard his story, he won me over completely. Skeletor is currently trying to instill a sense of responsibility in the immature citizens of Eternia, most particular, the frivolous, decadent “Prince” Adam. Unfortunately, every time he’s found a way to force Adam to accept his shortcomings, a shirtless warrior in bikini briefs runs in with a large sword and ruins everything. Now, FoF is not a group that likes to jump to conclusions, but when you’re presented with scenario like this, it’s impossible not to read the writing on the wall. Skeletor’s crew is made of a wide variety of multi-talented individuals who can be put to great use, but our biggest concern is making sure that people like Adam- and his “He Man”- realize that their flagrant disregard of propriety and God-given moral law will not be tolerated on any level.

So, a big Focus welcome to Cobra, the Decepticons and the Skeletorians!

Now, I’m sure some of you are having doubts. Are we watering down our core message here? These new partners seem to go against the very principles our glorious movement is based on: some of them aren’t technically human, and even worse, they aren’t American citizens, and the last thing we want are foreign powers influencing our decision making processes. Rest assured, we are well aware of such concerns, and we believe that in order to continue promoting our precious values in the upcoming years, we need to move beyond state-level campaigning, activism and targeted harassment.

Which is where our new paramilitary, robot and skull-based brothers come in. What ultimately joins us together is an understanding: the only way to truly ensure we can set everyone- sinners and innocents alike- on the right path, is to attain complete and total global domination. In the eyes of our Lord, nothing less will do.

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