Sith Review

Okay, since we have a lot of Star Wars fans loitering about, I have to share with you the most hilarious review (containing no spoilers) of Sith from someone who does not like Star Wars. Never has, never will, which I must say provides for quite an amusing rant. This review comes courtesy of Mr. Shakes' best mate, MWS (with his permission), who regular Shakers will remember recently made a guest appearance as our resident hero.

(And by the way, a "jobbie" is a turd.)

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There are insufficient words in the English language to describe just how appallingly bad that film was. In fact, I doubt whether the lexicon of a lost tribe who had survived millions of years in a slurry pool beneath the mouth of a sewage outlet would be extensive enough to relate the true vomit-encrusted jobbie that was the Revenge of the Sith.

Was that really better than the Phantom Menace? Or have I just forgotten how terrible the Phantom Menace was for that to have been considered an improvement? I have considered the matter overnight and searched for one aspect of the film that could be deemed a success but have been unable to come up with a single thing. Now, I know people will rave about the special effects (which can never replace the need for a storyline and/or decent acting in my opinion) but they were just boring. It appears that he spent the whole budget creating these huge space cities replete with millions of insignificant little characters in the background doing insignificant things to lend more realism to the film. So, what? It's just boring. I could have created a more exciting film at a fraction of the cost by simply video taping the effects of throwing a box of fireworks on to a bonfire. When people want special effects, they want massive explosions, buildings coming apart at the seams, actors being flung across a room following the impact of a high velocity weapon. Not boring background garbage. So, while I can appreciate the skill, labour and money that must have gone into the creation of some of these mega-cities, I can't help thinking, 'what was the point'? The fight scenes were pathetic. The reliance on computer animation just showed up the terrible human acting and directing. On several occasions during fights, the camera would slowly pan across the seven or so real human actors in the scene and, each would carry out some action at the moment the camera centered on them before continuing on to the next one! Before it was their turn, they looked as though they were just scratching their baws.

Then there was the storyline and script. Has George Lucas now regressed so deeply into his childhood fantasies that he thinks and writes like a five year old? Was the original script written in crayon with none of the letters joined up? Is the story board a collection of pictures of one dimensional stickmen with three fingers? Seriously, when I was in primary school I was better able to hold a plot together than Lucas. The final turd on the dung-heap was that clumsy effort in the last five minutes to stitch the film together with the original Star Wars! I mean, when he was actually writing the script did he not think about these loose ends until he was 90% finished? Then the acting. Oh my god! Ewan McGregor should be dragged naked behind a horse and then strung up from the battlements for his shocking parody of Sir Alec Guiness. What the hell was that crummy accent all about, or the way he managed to murder just about any one-liner he was made to deliver. Then the bird and Anakin managed to set new minimum standards with badly hammed up performances that would have seen them dismissed from a school production of the nativity play. The only character in the whole film with any depth or consistency was Yoda! I would rather be force fed faeces from the bowels of the local rugby team after a night of beer and curry than ever watch anything associated with George Lucas and Star Wars again.