Primarily Speaking

image of a cartoon version of me holding a sign saying 'I'd rather not,' pictured in front of a patriotic stars-and-stripes graphic, to which I've added text reading: 'The Democratic Primary 2020: Let's do this thing.'

Welcome to another edition of Primarily Speaking, because presidential primaries now begin fully one million years before the election!

Welp, he's finally done it, friends! Joe Biden has officially entered the race for the 2020 Democratic nomination! If you are excited as I am, try to contain your enthusiasm by putting it inside a dollhouse teacup.

image of an impossibly tiny tea set, with Joe Biden's logo pouring out into one of the cups

[Content Note: Video autoplays at link; Nazi imagery] Obviously, his announcement video is the fucking worst, simultaneously proclaiming America's greatness (which he represents) and lamenting America's terribleness (which Donald Trump represents), while positioning himself as the superhero who can save us from the supervillain Trump, set to just the shittiest score by a composer I can only assume is named Zans Himmer.

The only way this could have been worse is if it were just 3 minutes of him staring into the camera while licking an ice cream cone.

Actually, on second thought, that might have been better.

Anyway. His logo is also really bad:

But, in good news, Biden is going around asking party lions for their early endorsement, and they are all eager to say no.

Frankly, I couldn't be less interested in Biden's campaign. (To be honest, the dollhouse teacup was generous.) I've already heard everything I want to hear from Joe Biden for a lifetime.

Thank u, next.

* * *

Hahahahaha here is just a real headline in the world, care of the Daily Beast: "Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren Lead an Incredible Field of 2020 Women. How Are They Trailing Pete Buttigieg?"

Hang on, I know the answer to this one!

image of Wolf Blitzer on Celebrity Jeopardy with negative $1,000 on the board, to which I've added text reading: 'I'll take 'The Patriarchy' for $200, Alex.'

The opening sentence of that story reads: "It's now a practically boring fact that women are running for political office in record numbers."

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL yes, one presidential election after Hillary Clinton made history as the first female nominee from a major party, it's now boring that there are now six women seeking the Democratic nomination. From historic to boring in one election cycle!

I remember writing sometime toward the end of the 2016 election that Clinton had blazed that trail so successfully that most people barely saw her historical achievement as remarkable, and now here we are one cycle later and it's boring that women have been exponentially empowered to run for president.

This is how women are denied their achievements. It takes a woman so extraordinary to break through an ancient misogynist barrier that she renders our memories incapable of recalling that women were disallowed from doing what she's done, and so we immediately forget how legendary she truly is/was.

Something else I wrote during that election, many times, was what execrable codswallop it was when palpably misogynistic shitwheels would assert that they didn't hate Hillary Clinton because she is a woman, but because of who she is, and they'd totes vote for a different woman. And now here we are, and Senators Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris are polling behind Boy Mayor Ben Wyatt.


* * *

Speaking of Harris: "The Harris campaign says of 19 senior staffers hired so far, 13 are women, and 11 of those are women of color."

And speaking of Professor Policy: "Sen. Elizabeth Warren wants to drive down the maternal mortality rate among African-American women — and she has a plan to get it done."

Senator Cory Booker has a neat plan to address the racial wealth gap:
Booker's so-called baby bonds proposal, which has quickly become a centerpiece of the New Jersey senator's campaign, would provide every child born in the U.S. with a $1,000 savings account. Each year, the government would automatically deposit up to another $2,000 into that account, depending on family income.

People would not be able to dig into the funds until they hit 18, and the uses of the money would generally be limited to paying for college, buying a house, and saving for retirement.

...Booker calls his proposal, 'the most ambitious ever Congressional effort to combat wealth inequality.' The average payment to black children under his plan would be $1,193 a year, compared with $628 for white children.
The difference, of course, reflecting the existing difference in average household income. This is very good.


Speaking of Senator Bernie Sanders: "Bernie Sanders harshly criticized the wealth of U.S. senators during his first campaign for office in 1971, calling it 'immoral' that half the members of the Senate were millionaires." Whoooooooops!

Also: "Sanders, the Vermont independent who is seeking the Democratic presidential nomination, for years has drawn a pension for his eight-year stint in the 1980s as mayor of Burlington even has he received a salary as a member of Congress. ...That practice, known as 'double-dipping,' isn't illegal. ...But double-dipping does rub some public watchdogs — and even elected officials — the wrong way. In fact, in 2014, former Obama administration official Ro Khanna, while conducting a challenge to incumbent Rep. Mike Honda of California, blasted his fellow Democrat Honda for double dipping. ...And in February, Khanna joined Sanders' second bid for the White House, serving as one of four national co-chairs of Sanders' campaign." Whoooooooops!

* * *

[CN: Homophobia] "Franklin Graham, one of the country's most influential evangelical Christians, has called on Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg to 'repent' for being gay. Graham, the president and CEO of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, called homosexuality 'something to be repentant of, not something to be flaunted, praised, or politicized,' in a tweet Wednesday." Hey, Franklin Graham, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Pete Buttigieg is a veteran and public servant whose bravery is on display every goddamn day, while Franklin Graham is a cowardly piece of shit who hides his vile bigotry behind religion because he hasn't the courage to state his loathsome convictions as personal beliefs and be held accountable to the people he despises.

Instead, he passes the buck onto a deity and claims he's obliged to be a hateful wreck. That rank deflection is what needs repenting, because, unlike being gay, the hatred it justifies actually harms people.

* * *

Julián Castro was the first candidate to accept the invitation to participate in the She the People Presidential Forum, and they thanked him by using a photo of his twin brother, Rep. Joaquin Castro, in their event program. Oops. "During the summit, Julián pointed out the literature handed out to the more than 1,000 audience members accidentally featured a photo of his twin. He joked that the blunder was okay because his brother is 'better looking.'" That was incredibly gracious. (I keep telling you he's a great politician!)

Here's a headline: "Rep. Tim Ryan Shies from Socialism in 2020 Run for President." Haha no shit.

Here's another headline: "Presidential Candidate Seth Moulton Knows He's Not Very Well-Known." Haha well at least he knows something!

Oh good grief: "'SPOILER ALERT: I'm a white man,' Rep. Eric Swalwell declared in a tweet Tuesday as the 2020 presidential candidate tried to address the identity debate that has emerged within the Democratic Party. In the tweet, the Democratic presidential contender from California pledged to select a female running mate and 'pass the mic' in instances where he feels he 'can't speak to someone else's experience.'" Or maybe you could have just not run and thrown all the energy you'll expend losing the nomination instead helping one of the women who's running get it! Just a thought.

John Hickenlooper is still definitely running for president.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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