Hey, ya crew of feminist howler monkeys! It's me, Butch Pornstache, here to lay down some totally trenchant man-wisdom for your brains. (YOU'RE WELCOME!)
I know last time I said I would talk about Donald Trump next time I graced you with my presence, but first I got some shit to get off my chest about Bernie Sanders.
Namely, I need this guy to stop being a tool, because I'm getting real tired of listening to my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy and my stepmom Cheryl screaming about him all the time like a bunch of angry feminist bats.
And before you all start screaming at me like a bunch of angry feminist bats, no, I do not mean tool like a euphemism for man-meat (LADIES), because I know that gendered insults are not allowed here. (And how I know that is because I really, really wanted to title this post "Bernie Sanders Is a Dick," but Liss wouldn't let me.)
I mean tool like an actual tool. Specifically, a broken plunger.
Because right now, based on my knowledge gleaned from all the high-volume complaining in my house, politics are pretty messed up for people who aren't in my straight white dude group. Like, Trump won, and he hates people with identities, and then he picked a bunch of straight white dudes who also hate people with identities to help him run the country (INTO THE GROUND), and now a bunch of liberal bozos who should know better are like WE HAVE TO HATE PEOPLE WITH IDENTITIES, TOO or something.
Basically, it's like a blocked-up toilet that just keeps overflowing with turds, and Bernie Sanders is like, "Hey, I can fix it!" but he doesn't fix it, because he's a broken plunger that doesn't unclog anything and just gets more shit everywhere.
(That analogy is elegant as hell. Sometimes I really impress myself.)
And, hey, we can't all be plungers, man. But there was a super dorky plunger that also WORKED REAL GOOD and Bernie Sanders screamed in its face about how it was an establishment plunger and now THERE ARE NO WORKING PLUNGERS and my entire bathroom is covered in butt-mud!
Anyways. As a reformed Tea Bagger who has become "moderately more sympathetic," as I heard Tammy telling her mom on the phone (I also give her fewer "terrible bargain days" now, whatever that means), and a proud white working class man who runs my own business (HAPPY 420), I am apparently the sort of dude that Sanders wants to bring into his revolution. COOL. It's nice to be wanted. Amirite, ladies?
But, for real, man, I hate the dude. Every time I see him, he's screaming about millionaires and billionaires, and I guess most millionaires and billionaires are assholes and whatnot, but what does that have to do with the fact that I gotta drive about a jillion miles next week so my cousin Sheila can get an abortion because her deadbeat boyfriend doesn't give her money for the two kids they already have?
I don't even understand what Bernie Sanders is talking about, and I sure don't like being yelled at by a grumpy fart who would probably turn up his nose if I offered him some of my homemade hotdog chili.
Why is he yelling all the time? Is he selling something? He makes me feel like I'm watching a late-night infomercial on breaking up the banks. "And if you call RIGHT NOW, you will get YUUUUUUGE savings! For a limited time only, we can break up TWO banks for the price of one!" God, break 'em up, just leave me out of it!
Or don't break 'em up! I don't know! I don't have any idea how that's supposed to help me, anyways!
And I'm pretty sure if I tried to ask him, it'd be like that time I asked a dude at the library where I might find a book about krav maga, and he got SUPER PISSED because he didn't even work there. Like I'm supposed to know which white-haired dudes with glasses work at the library and which ones are just there to check out Kathy Ireland: Total Fitness Workout on VHS so they can "do aerobics" to it.
I guess what I'm saying, to put it in language you snowflakes will understand, is that I just don't find Bernie Sanders very "accessible" or "relatable." Or "nice."
Forget his politics (I already have), the guy just seems like an ass. I bet if the tire on my BMX chubbed out on me and I was stranded on the side of the road, he wouldn't even stop to help. Unlike Hillary Clinton, who would pull over and definitely try to do something, even though I wouldn't want her to risk getting covered in road dust, because those coats of hers are fucking beautiful, man.
She'd probably whip a tire pump out of her pocket, or tell me IT TAKES A VILLAGE and rally 9,000 townsfolk to help blow up my tire, so I could make it home and get back to the important business of listening to my books on tape. (Yes, I READ.) (LADIES.)
Maybe that's unfair. Bernie might at least stop to tell me he'd give me some free college.
I just don't dig how he doesn't seem to like anyone or anything. It was pretty obvious that he hated the shit outta Hillary. And I am about ten thousand times stupider and ten million times more likely to spill nacho cheese on your couch than she is, so if he didn't like her, he definitely wouldn't like me.
Or pretty much anyone I know.
And, listen, Tammy and Cheryl hate it when I tell them I'm learning—and they want me to tell you that's not because they don't want me to learn, but because they want me to learn without telling them I'm learning, especially when I say it like GAWD I'M LEARNING every time I fuck up—but I am learning, in spite of my resistance (#RESIST) to all of you femifarts and your femifarty ways. And one of the things I've learned is that I don't know shit.
I thought I knew basically everything, but it turns out you can live a damn long time without knowing much about a lot of stuff that matters to a whole lot of other people if you're a straight white dude.
I bet you didn't even know that! Now YOU'RE learning something! The student has become the teacher!
And learning shit means listening to people (NOT A FAN) who know more than you do about their own lives. That is what I have discovered, after Tammy and Cheryl pointed it out to me on many different occasions.
If you can turn off The Big Bang Theory (HA HA NERDS) and listen for two seconds, as has been repeatedly recommended to me, you find out that people have a lot of interesting stuff to tell you, even if they didn't support Bernie Sanders.
Which seems like a weird litmus test (SCIENCE) to me, anyhow. It seems to me it should take more than that to be considered "a progressive." Like, if I said right now, "I love Bernie!" I would be a progressive, but all of you dorks wouldn't be? Zounds! Go directly to PROGRESSIVE and collect $200!
Something ain't right about that.
I don't know, man. Basically, Bernie just seems like a real jerkturkey to me. Plus he's making Tammy and Cheryl lose their shit on the daily, which is some crap I don't need in my life when I'm trying to improve myself so that I'm not the one making them lose their shit on the daily, so I really wish he'd just shut the fuck up and go away.