The Walking Thread

[Content Note: Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. Descriptions of violence.]

screen cap from The Walking Dead in which Carol is standing in a kitchen holding a baking sheet full of cookies straight from the oven
Cookies, anyone?

When last we left our merry band of zombie slayers and human murderers, Grimes Gang had struck a deal with the Hilltoppers to form a trade allegiance, contingent on Grimes Gang killing the fuck out of The Saviors, who, under the leadership of a sociopath named Negan, has been taking half the Hilltoppers' shit.

We start this episode with Carol, who is still masquerading as Stepford Carol, baking cookies for everyone in town from a bunch of garbage ingredients. She passes out her cookies and leaves one on the Littlest Blinney's grave. RIP kid.

Grimes Gang: Hilltop Delegation returns in the RV, with Houdini Jesus and Hilltop Andy in tow. Optimus Grimes calls a meeting at the church where he informs everyone of the neat-o deal they've struck. Everyone is totes on board with wanton murder, except for Morgan OF COURSE. What a drag! Always being a super bummer about Optimus Grimes' cool murder plans!

Morgan is overruled. The meeting recesses so everyone can go get their shit together.

For Carol, this means making out with Tobin, after he tells her she's a tough mom. For Tara, this means telling Doctor Zoey that she loves her; Doctor Zoey says she'll tell Tara back after she gets home safely. (Uh-oh.) For Maggie, this means insisting on going along, despite Glenn's protestations, because she struck the deal. In other words, something bad is definitely going to happen to Maggie!

For Sgt. Redbull, this means breaking up with Rosita Espinoza, so he can bang Sasha instead. As he packs his bags, Rosita Espinoza demands to know why. AND I SWEAR TO YOU I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP AND THIS IS THE ACTUAL DIALOGUE WHICH FOLLOWS:
Sgt. Redbull: Why are dingleberries brown?! That's just the way shit is!

Rosita Espinoza: You're not leaving until you tell me why!

Sgt. Redbull: When I met you, I thought you were the only woman left on earth. You're not.

[He storms out; Rosita Espinoza weeps. Doctor Mulletsworth appears in the door of their bedroom wearing a "Virginia is for lovers" t-shirt and eating a cookie.]

Doctor Mulletsworth: You try one of these? They're chewy.
This fucking show.

Meanwhile, Optimus Grimes and his generals confab with Hilltop Andy, who draws some TERRIFIC maps of Negan's compound. They formulate a plan. Hilltop Andy wonders how they're gonna get in, when there are guards standing watch at all times. Optimus Grimes recalls that The Saviors are expecting evidence of Gregory Creepfuck's demise. "They want Gregory's head, right? We're gonna give it to them."

Oh goddddddd.

Naturally, this means the hunt is on for a zombie with a face that vaguely resembles Gregory Creepfuck. It has been approximately two thousand years since any of Grimes Gang stumbled across a fresh zombie in the woods, but, miraculously, Glenn and Heath manage to find three whose unzombified faces bear an uncanny resemblance to Gregory Creepfuck.

They present three sawed-off heads ("THREE SAWED-OFF HEADS" IS A THING I JUST WROTE BECAUSE THIS FUCKING SHOW) to Optimus Grimes, Houdini Jesus, and Hilltop Andy. Houdini Jesus picks the best one, but says the nose is different. Optimus Grimes grabs the head by the hair and punches it in the face. He gesticulates to Hilltop Andy's injured hand and says that he can tell The Saviors he broke his hand punching Gregory Creepfuck's face in the struggle.

Hilltop Andy, having watched Optimus Grimes casually pummel a decapitated head like it's just another day at the office, regards Optimus Grimes with awe and revulsion. He tells him that The Saviors are bunch of nightmare fuckers, but they haven't got anything on Optimus Grimes. HAHA! Bet everyone at the Hilltop will be super glad they made this deal!

Later that night, Hilltop Andy approaches The Saviors' compound with the Gregory Creepfuck impersonator head in a bag. It fools the guards. One of them goes inside to retrieve the Hilltopper they've been holding captive until delivered proof of Gregory Creepfuck's murder.

Daryl ambushes the remaining guard and kills him. When the other guard returns, he's killed, too. Grimes Gang rushes into the compound and start murdering the fuck out of everyone they see.

Some of them seem to have pangs of conscience about stabbing people through the eyesockets while they're sleeping. Huh!

Eventually, some of The Saviors actually wake up, and one of them manages to sound an alarm. All bets are off now! It's total mayhem in murdertown.

Outside, guarding the perimeter, Carol and Maggie hear the alarm. Naturally, Maggie insists on going to help, because her husband is in there. Carol tells her should stay there and be a different person. Cool advice! But Maggie ain't taking it.

Back inside, Glenn and Heath have to kill a whole lot of people and they feel pretty bad about it. Optimus Grimes and Daryl and Michonne also have to kill a whole lot of people and they don't seem to feel all that bad about it. OLD MURDER HAT.

Gabriel, who has learned how to fire a weapon, quotes some Bibley stuff at some dude and then kills him.

After it's all (SEEMINGLY!) over, Tara and Heath immediately leave for their two-week scavenging mission. But then! One of The Saviors comes roaring out the compound on Daryl's stolen motorcycle. OH HELL NO! Optimus Grimes shoots him and Daryl tackles him.

They're just about to have a stern talk with murder him, when the dude's walkie-talkie crackles to life. A woman's voice instructs them to let him go. Optimus Grimes is all fuck you. The woman says: "We've got a Carol and a Maggie. We're thinking that's something you want to chat about."

It's always something!

Glenn looks like he's going to throw up. Optimus Grimes looks like a dad on vacation in a place he doesn't want to be with a bunch of ungrateful kids. The end.

Next week: More of this garbage.

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