"I'll get you for your soda-ruining ways, buddy!"
This was for sure the grossest episode of The Walking Dead ever, and there were barely any murderous zombie rampages in it! I was warned I'd need a barf bag, and THAT WAS CORRECT.
But before I get to one of the most horrible things I've ever seen, here's what happened in the first 59 minutes of the episode!
We pick up weeks after the last episode and begin in Casa Optimus Grimes, where everybody's getting ready for the day. Optimus Grimes is getting dressed to go on a supply run, and Michonne comes in, wearing a bathrobe and head-towel, and requests that he try to get her some toothpaste. WHAT THE FUCK THESE TWO AREN'T DOING IT ARE THEY?! I internally scream with horror. But they're not. Phew! They're just very cozy. TOO COZY, if you ask me. DON'T LET OPTIMUS GRIMES' COMPLETE LACK OF CHILL AND DECENCY ACCIDENTALLY RUB OFF ON YOU, MICHONNE!
Daryl is going on the supply run with Optimus Grimes, and he gets a list of wanted items from Doctor Zoey, who requests, in addition to medical supplies, some soda to give to her girlfriend Tara as a gift. Merritt Wever, who plays Doctor Zoey (Denise) is the embodiment of adorkable, and I love her.
Doctor Mulletworth tells them to find some sorghum. Okay. As luck would have it, they find a barn marked with SORGHUM in giant letters. What serendipity! And behind the door is a truck full of supplies. Sweet!
Optimus Grimes, always the excellent decision-making machine, proposes that they leave their car at the barn and come back for it later. Why? Whyyyyyyyy? That is such a bad idea! There are two of them: One should just drive the car and the other should just drive the truck! In case the truck breaks down, for one thing, and, for another, surely gasoline is at a premium! Why the hell would you waste gas doubling back for the car later? GODDAMMIT, GRIMES, YOU ARE THE WOOOOORST!
Back in Aarontown, some boring shit happens. Maggie tells Enid she should hang out with them. Can everyone just leave this chick alone and stop telling her how to live her life for two seconds?! Michonne follows Spencer into the woods and begs him to tell her what he's up to. Pirate Carl and Enid go into the woods, and encounter Zombie Deanna, and Pirate Carl can't kill her, but he leads her toward Spencer and Michonne, and Spencer kills her. Now we know why he was walking in the woods. Michonne tells him he's still got family. Later, Michonne confronts Pirate Carl about the whole situation, and he explains that he feels like zombified people they know should be killed by family, and he'd totes kill her if he had to, because she's family.
I wish I could make all of that more interesting, but I can't! It was super boring! The only good thing about any of it was Michonne, because Danai Gurira is THE FUCKING BEST, and I love her.
Meanwhile, Optimus Grimes and Daryl make a stop at a gas station, so Daryl can hunt for soda. While they're trying to pillage a soda machine, some dude literally runs into them. They pull guns on him, but he explains he was running away from a herd of zombies, and they'd better run, too, because they'll arrive soon. His name is Paul, but his friends call him Jesus. Okay.
Optimus Grimes and Daryl are having a minor bicker over whether to find out more about this guy and potentially wrangle him back to Aarontown, where they can police his choices and tell him they're his new family, when they hear what sounds like gunshots. They run to the back of the gas station to see fireworks exploding in a metal trash can. Uh-oh! Looks like Jesus stole Optimus Grimes' keys when he bumped into him, and now he's absconding with the truck full of supplies!
TOO BAD THEY LEFT THE CAR AT THE SORGHUM STATION!
Optimus Grimes and Daryl take off running down the road. They get very sweaty. After a long while, they catch up to Jesus, who is repairing a busted tire on the truck. They pull guns on him again, and then Optimus Grimes ties him up, telling him the knots are loose enough that he'll be able to extricate himself when they're long gone.
Hahahahaha what an interesting conversation! So you're telling me he will instantly release himself and stow away on the truck, then? This fucking show.
Cut to Optimus Grimes and Daryl driving in the truck when they hear a noise and realize Jesus is on the roof of the truck! Who could have seen THAT coming?! Optimus Grimes slams on the brakes, throwing Jesus into the field in front of them. Daryl chases Jesus while Optimus Grimes keeps some zombies at bay. Daryl and Jesus end up wrestling in the truck, and someone hits the gearshift, and the truck rolls backwards into a lake.
Haha whoooooooooops! It's like a regular Keystone Survivalists around here!
Daryl knocks out Jesus and petitions to throw him up a tree, but instead they tie him back up and drive him back to Aarontown. Which I'm sure will turn out to be another excellent idea.
They bring Jesus to Doctor Zoey, who wraps his head in a bandage or some shit, and then they dump him in Prisoner Townhouse. Tied up, once again.
Optimus Grimes returns home and flops on the couch, exhausted from his wacky day of highjinks. Michonne joins him and they both say they had wild days that they don't even feel like talking about. Optimus Grimes hands her some mints, in lieu of the toothpaste lost to the bottom of the lake.
Their fingers intertwine around the mints, and then OH MY GODDDDDD NO NO NOOOOOOOO they start kissing.
And then it gets EVEN WORSE!
Cut to Optimus Grimes and Michonne lying in bed together naked after DOING IT. NO! NO! NO! MICHONNE! NO! PLEASE! NO!
Suddenly they jump out of bed, because Jesus has escaped YET AGAIN. What in Houdini hell?! He stands at the end of their bed (INAPPROPRIATE) and says, "We should talk."
Yes, starting with your lack of manners, SIR!
Next week: More of this garbage.