Hillary Clinton appeared on Saturday Night Live over the weekend, as part of a long tradition of presidential candidates stopping by the show to strut their comedy stuff (or not, as the case may be). Clinton held her own, by politician standards, and was better than most.
Before anyone gets bent out of shape, let me just say plainly that if Bernie Sanders appears on SNL, I will cover that, too! Clinton just happened to be first. And if Martin O'Malley, Lincoln Chafee, or Jim Webb appears on SNL, I will probably not cover that because who cares! Sorry, Martin O'Malley! Not sorry, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb!
Anyway! Here's the sketch:
Video Description: Exterior shot of an Irish pub. Cut to the interior, where a mixed-sex couple (played by host Miley Cyrus and cast member Beck Bennett) are sitting at a table talking about Republican candidates. Their short conversation ends with the guy observing that Carly Fiorina "would make the best first female president." The camera pans right to the bar, where cast member (and Ghostbuster!!!) Kate McKinnon is playing Hillary Clinton, wearing a bright blue pantsuit, and cast member Cecily Strong is playing Clinton's longtime aide Huma Abedin. Fake Clinton is pounding a drink and slams the glass on the bartop.
Fake Clinton: Oh, Huma! Why won't the people just let me lead? Just give me the hammer and the nails and let me fix it alllllllllll!
Fake Abedin: Hillary, I think that you've heard enough in here. Let's get out of here.
Fake Clinton: Oh you go ahead. I'm gonna have one more drink. [Fake Abedin leaves. Fake Clinton searches for the barkeep.] Hey, bartender! Keep 'em coming.
[The bartender turns around, holding a bottle of vodka, and it is the real Hillary Clinton! She pours Fake Clinton a drink, while the audience cheers and applauds for a really long time.]
Real Clinton: Rough night?
Fake Clinton: Yeah, you could say that. [She reaches out her hand and they shake.] Hi, I'm Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Real Clinton: Hey, great name. I'm Val. [laughter] So, Hillary—what brings you here tonight?
Fake Clinton: Well, I needed to blow off some steam. I've had a hard couple of 22 years. [laughter]
Real Clinton: Why? What do you do for a living?
Fake Clinton: Well first, I'm a grandmother. And second, I am a human, entrusted with this one green earth.
Real Clinton: Oh, I get it. You're a politician. [laughter]
Fake Clinton: Yes, yes. And, ah, how 'bout you?
Real Clinton: Oh, uh, well, me? I—I'm just an ordinary citizen...who believes the Keystone Pipeline will destroy our environment. [laughter and applause]
Fake Clinton: I agree with you there! It did take me a long time to decide that, but I am against it. [laughter]
Real Clinton: You know, nothing wrong with takin' your time. Ah, what's important is getting it right!
Fake Clinton: Yep. [holds up glass] I'll drink to that! God I love a scalding hot vodka! [laughter]
Real Clinton: You know, I just realized: I never checked your ID.
Fake Clinton: [laughs and slaps bartop] Hahaha ID! Come on, please! I have a one-year-old granddaughter! She calls me Madam President. [laughter]
Real Clinton: I never would have guessed! You give off such a young, cool vibe. You must work in Brooklyn! [laughter]
Fake Clinton: Yes! Somewhere in there! Yes! [laughter]
Cast member Taran Killam, dressed as a barback, comes onto screen beside Real Clinton, and addresses McKinnon's Fake Clinton.
Killam: Hi, Mrs. Clinton, I'm so sorry to interrupt—I just wanted to say my sister's gay, so thank you for all you've done for gay marriage.
Fake Clinton: [reaches out and shakes his hand] Well, you're welcome.
Real Clinton: It really is great how long you've supported gay marriage.
Fake Clinton: Yes. [pause] I—I could have supported it sooner.
Real Clinton: Well, you did it pretty soon.
Fake Clinton: Yeah. Coulda been sooner. [McKinnon squints at Clinton; McKinnon, in case you don't know, is a lesbian. She winks at Clinton.]
Real Clinton: Fair point. [She nods; the audience laughs. She shakes her head and taps the bartop, then smiles at McKinnon.]
Fake Clinton: Let us then tap our fists in friendship. [They fistbump.] Oh, Val. I'm just so darn bummed. All anyone wants to talk about is Donald Trump.
Real Clinton: Donald Trump?! Isn't he the ones that's like [in Trump voice] "Uhhh you're all losers"? [laughter and applause]
Fake Clinton: [claps her hands and laughs] That is him! That is him!
Real Clinton: I mean, do you think he'll win the primaries?!
Fake Clinton: He must. I want to be the one to take him down. [laughter] I will destroy him and I will mount his hair in the OVAL OFFICE!!! [takes a drink; laughter and applause]
Real Clinton: Well, that's kind of a lot. Um, maybe you should take a vacation.
Fake Clinton: A vikshishin?
Real Clinton: A vacation.
Fake Clinton: Vakinchange? What did you say?
Real Clinton: [laughing] A vacation!
Former cast member Darrell Hammond comes in, playing Bill Clinton.
Fake Bill Clinton: Did somebody say vacation? [cheers and laughter; Fake Bill looks at Fake Clinton and Real Clinton] Oh my god. They're multiplying! [he runs out]
Fake Clinton: Well, I guess I should, uh, get going—but this has been so nice. You are really easy to talk to, Val.
Real Clinton: Oh, thanks. You know, that's the first time I've ever heard that. [laughter]
Fake Clinton: Oh, Val! I wish you could be president!
Real Clinton: Me too! [laughs and grins widely]
[sustained laughter, cheers, and applause]
Fake Clinton: You know what else, Val? I've, uh, I've learned something from you tonight. [begins to sing] Sometimes in our lives / We all have pain / We all have sorrow...
Real Clinton: [comes around the bar and stands beside McKinnon; they wrap their arms around each other and begin to sing together] But, if we are wise / We know there's always tomorrow...
Fake Clinton: Lean on me! / When you're not strong / And I'll be your friend / I'll help you carry on!
[Fake Abedin returns to find Fake Clinton singing dramatically]
Fake Abedin: Hillary! Hillary! What are you doing?
Fake Clinton: Oh! I was just hanging out with my best friend Val. [she looks around, and Val has disappeared] Where is she?
Fake Abedin: Uh, there's nobody here. I think you've had one too many, Hillary. Let's go.
Fake Clinton: Oh, no, she was real! And smart! And [McKinnon falls out of character] really nice in person. [She gives a meaningful look to underline how nice she thinks Clinton is and the audience laughs]
Fake Abedin: Okay, Hillary. Whatever you say.
Fake Clinton: Where is she? [she looks around] Wait—what's this? [she bends over and comes back with a taupe shoe; laughter; she examines the shoe, turning it over in her hands] A hard tan business shoe! I was right! She is real!
She dances with the shoe as Lean on Me begins to play. [cheers and applause]