Below, the trailer for a new film from Nancy Meyers called The Intern, starring Robert De Niro as Anne Hathaway's intern, because "senior intern program," obviously. What in the shit is this mess?
A young white dude sits across the desk from a man whose back is to the camera during an interview. He says, "Okay, Benjamin. I'mma ask you one of our more telling questions for all of our interns, so I want you to, like, this is the one to really think about, okay? Where do you see yourself in ten years?" (No human being would ever say that is a telling question. Shut up, this movie. I hate you already!)
Cut to the reveal that the interviewee is ANCIENT OLD GEEZER Robert De Niro, who raises his eyebrows. "When I'm 80," he says. Ho ho oh my aching sides.
In case it isn't abundantly clear, I am being SARCASTIC when I identify Robert De Niro as an ANCIENT OLD GEEZER, because even though that is supposed to be our reaction, even though we are supposed to imagine that this 70-year-old man onscreen, like all 70-year-olds, are useless, doddering human garbage, I am looking at one of the most famous men in the world, who has had a very long and illustrious career, and who is still working and starring in major motion pictures LIKE THIS ONE, so I can't really buy the whole WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING SHOULDN'T YOU BE DEAD premise, even though I am aware that it's just a cynical set-up to create an expectation based on ageist prejudice only to knock it down.
Anne Hathaway is the CEO of a sparkly successful firm that does something in a fancy loft space inhabited by young white and one Indian dude hipsters. They hire De Niro as part of a senior intern program, and Hathaway is dubious. She also hates people who don't blink. De Niro accidentally calls her "sir" and then overblinks! Hahahaha terrific. She'll let him know if she can think of anything for him to do.
Anne Hathaway's tiny daughter thinks it's "hysterical" that De Niro is her intern, because obviously toddlers totally know what an intern is and why it's atypical that an older man is one to a younger woman. That is one sophisticated child!
Despite being an ANCIENT OLD GEEZER, De Niro the Intern is loved by everyone at the office. He advises that you should "dress to impress," and wonders why no one tucks anything in anymore. He also gets a boner while getting a rubdown from "in-house masseuse" (sure) Rene Russo. Gee, I wonder if they'll fall in love! His hipster buds are impressed by his boner, because he is old.
Anne Hathaway and De Niro the Intern are the last people in the office at night. Probably because she WORKS HARD and he is TRYING TO LEARN TECHNOLOGY. They share a pizza and become friends while building his Facebook profile. Aww. He tells her that she's inspiring. Aww.
But oh no! The investors want her out on her ass! They feel like a more seasoned CEO would do better running the company she built! "I mean, give me CEO lessons," she says through tears.
IF ONLY THERE WERE AN OLD MAN AROUND WHO COULD GIVE HER SOME LESSONS ON BUSINESS!
Friendship and business montagery! Looks like maybe this intern fella has some things to teach young missy! PHEW! What luck! I don't know, y'all, but I think the TWIST might be that lots of life experience gives you wisdom rather than rendering you a worthless sack of shit. OMG WHO KNEW!
But it doesn't just stop there! Not only does De Niro the Intern know how to give good advice; he also basically teaches Anne Hathaway how to run her whole life and also teaches all the young hipster dudes how to be men! It turns out that YOUNG PEOPLE are the stupid ones! DID YOU THINK A WOMAN AND HER RADICALLY DIVERSE STAFF WITH ONE INDIAN DUDE COULD RUN A BUSINESS WITHOUT THE OVERSIGHT OF AN OLD WHITE MAN?! Come on. This is AMERICA.
Anne Hathaway stands beside De Niro the Intern at a bar, across from her three main dudes, who never tuck anything in, and says: "Look and learn, boys, because this is what cool is." She gestures at De Niro the Intern. "How, in one generation, have men gone from guys like Jack Nicholson and Harrison Ford to—" She cuts herself off and looks at the dudes, who look down at themselves. "Oh boy," says De Niro the Intern.
These guys don't even carry handkerchiefs to hand to ladies when they cry at work. Boo.
Fix it, THE INTERN! Fix all of it!