Primarily Speaking

[Content Note: Racism.]

image of a US flag behind a pair of clown shoes, with text reading: '14 clowns and counting! GOP 2016'

I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it! I love I love I love the primaries and I just can't hide it! Are you as excited as I am! I BET YOU ARE! If you are so excited about all the cool people running for president, please check this box: □

With Republican New Jersey Governor Chris Christie having entered the race, that brings the total number of Republicans currently running for president to 14!

My cool new party trick is being able to name all the GOP presidential candidates! It's kinda like knowing all the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire." Harry Truman Doris Day Rick Santorum Donald Trump South Pacific Walter Winchell George Pataki, too! Fiorina Maybe Pence Maybe Kasich too one day! Rand Paul Rubio what else do I have to say?!


As per usual, all the candidates are definitely up to being supercool. Here is my executive summary of the goings-on: Senator Rand Paul is chilling with Clive Bundy, because of course he is. [CN: Video autoplays at next link.] Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush and Gold Toilet Aficionado Donald Trump are leading the GOP field in polls that don't matter. Dr. Ben Carson is still definitely running for president! Something something George Pataki! Senator Ted Cruz is auditioning for The Simpsons WHUT WHUT WHUT. I'm sure Corporate Power-Failure Carly Fiorina is somewhere saying something about Hillary Clinton. Senator Lindsey Graham is meanwhile Clinton's #1 frenemy or something. Blah blah Rick Perry farrrrt! Senator Marco Rubio plans to spend $7 million on ads in early primary states and I HOPE HE IS GULPING WATER DESPERATELY IN ALL OF THEM. Governor Bobby Jindal is "tanned, rested, and ready" bzuhhhh? Sweatervest model Rick Santorum is a human who still exists. And Professor of Bible Bigotry Mike Huckabee has denounced 81 things coooooooool.

Looking good, Republicans! Your party is definitely ready to lead!

On the other side of the aisle: Former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee says we should "allow Edward Snowden to come home," and this is a significant point of difference with Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton. (I'm with Chafee on this one.)

Former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley has hired former Obama campaign adviser Dave Hamrick as his campaign manager, and Hamrick has a lot of work to do, since O'Malley is trailing Hillary Clinton by an average of 50 points in the polls that don't matter.

(And they really don't matter at this point, except to indicate who's competitive in the field. So that doesn't bode well for O'Malley.)

Senator Bernie Sanders is still very grumpy! That is not a criticism!

And former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's campaign raised "at least $45 million during its first quarter... Clinton's haul from her campaign's launch in mid-April through June 30 is a record for primary money raised in a candidate's first quarter." Obviously, President Barack Obama is the previous record-holder. Yowza!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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