Primarily Speaking

image of unoccupied podiums on a stage set for a presidential debate

Are you all SO EXCITED for the presidential debates which will begin as soon as THIS FALL?! If you are SO EXCITED that you can barely contain your OVERFLOWING ENTHUSIASM, please check this box: □

If you failed to check the enthusiasm box, perhaps the following news straight off the WHO CARES NEWS PRESS will help inflate your enthusiasm back to maximum enthusiosity: New polling out of Iowa has found that Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is winning the battle of least-worst of all the Republican candidates among Iowa Republican caucus-goers! Congratulations, Scott Walker! You've got 21% of the votes, which means there's not much room for you to go down if you announce a candidacy and those same people get a good gander at your garbage policies!

Poor Jeb Bush only got 5% of the vote. I bet he'd feel really terrible about that, if these actual numbers actually meant anything! HA HA FUCK YOU, VOTERS! CASH IS KING!

In other polling news: "Americans now view Hillary Clinton more favorably and more see her as a strong leader than they did earlier in the year, despite weeks of scrutiny about her ethics, a New York Times/CBS News poll has found." LOLOLOL. Huh! It's almost like fake-ass stories about fake-ass bullshit that are transparent partisan and misogynist attacks don't even work to make people hate a woman they have liked and admired for a really long time, but instead only make them like and admire her more for withstanding unmaudely amounts of garbage! GO FIGURE.

Hey! Do you want to hang out with Senator Marco Rubio? I BET YOU DO! It'll only cost you "$2,700 per person or $5,400 per couple—followed by a reception at $1,000 per person." Seems reasonable! Who wants to go in with me so we can get that TERRIFIC couples discount of $0?

Senator Rand Paul says some shit in Michigan. That's exactly as exciting as it sounds! Don't say I don't bring you ALL THE BEST Rand Paul news!

Senator Ted Cruz continues to be a totally reasonable person by asking questions about the Jade Helm military training exercise and justifying his suspicion by saying cool shit like "I understand the reason for concern and uncertainty, because when the federal government has not demonstrated itself to be trustworthy in this administration, the natural consequence is that many citizens don't trust what it is saying."

Speaking of totally reasonable people: Senator Lindsay Graham, who is still considering whether to put on some oversized shoes and hop in the clown car, said at a dinner on Monday with the American Israel Public Affairs Committee that "everything that starts with 'Al' in the Middle East is bad news: Al-Qaida, Al-Nusra, Al-Qaida in the Arab Peninsula." For the record, "al" is the Arabic word for "the."

Professor of Bible Bigotry Mike Huckabee is making friends: Senators Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul should either resign from the Senate or drop out of the presidential race, according to Huckabee, because "if a person has a job that the taxpayers are paying for, shouldn't that person do that job? I just believe it's a matter of integrity to say, 'I don't want this job that I just got elected to, I think I want another job.' Okay, then resign the job you have, and go out there and seek the one you want."

Jeb Bush: "If our government leaders want to attack poverty, they should first acknowledge that an effective anti-poverty program is a strong family, led by two parents. The evidence on this is incontrovertible." Does that mean Jeb Bush now supports same-sex marriage and adoptions by same-sex couples? No? Just more incoherent racist and classist dogwhistling? Cool.

Hillary Clinton said during her speech on immigration reform that she's pretty pissed "our undocumented workers in New York pay more in taxes than some of our biggest corporations in New York." BOOM.

In response, Carly Fiorina [video may autoplay at link] accused Clinton of "pandering" and then went on a tear about how giving citizenships to undocumented immigrants is unfair to documented immigrants: "I think it isn't fair to say to people who've worked hard to earn the privilege of citizenship that 'Never mind. Never mind that you played by the rules. People who didn't get to have the same privileges that you do.'" I strongly suspect my documented immigrant husband would tell her: "Stop using me."

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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