Primarily Speaking

[Content Note: Christian Supremacy; homophobia.]

image of Senator Ted Cruz speaking at the Values Voters Summit, to which I've added text reading: 'I have nice values which u can tell by how angrily I scream about them'

Oh, Senator Ted Cruz. You continue to delight and amaze me with your totally trenchant insights like: "Today's Democratic Party has decided there is no room for Christians in today's Democratic Party. There is a liberal fascism that is going after Christian believers."

Hahahahaha yes! If there's one thing I say about the Democratic Party, it's that they're just TOO SECULAR. I'm definitely going to talk to President Obama about it at next year's National Prayer Breakfast. Or maybe at the White House Easter Egg Roll. Or perhaps at the White House Christmas Tree lighting. Or at any one of a number of explicitly Christian events hosted by our Democratic president every year.


I'm sure you'll be SHOCKED to hear that this was not the only pearl of conservative wisdom to emanate from the Iowa Faith and Freedom Coalition summit. SO MANY PEARLS OF WISDOM!

Senator Rand Paul said he's "tired of us retreating on" abortion. EXCELLENT POINT, SENATOR. Y'all have been TOO SHY about saying that you believe women (and other people who can become pregnant, whose existence you never acknowledge unless perhaps you're trying to keep them out of bathrooms) should be wholly-owned subsidiaries of the state. BE MORE LOUD ABOUT HOW TERRIBLE YOU ARE IF THAT IS EVEN POSSIBLE.

Senator Marco Rubio defended his opposition to same-sex marriage by saying: "The institution of marriage as one man and one woman existed even before our laws existed." ANOTHER GOOD POINT! We should definitely ban anything that didn't exist (*cough*) before the US Constitution.

four images of Marco Rubio, drinking bottled water, standing in front of a US flag speaking into a microphone, getting out of a car, and wearing a polo shirt
Like bottled water, microphones, cars, and white polo shirts. Oh, and US flags.

Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina continued her "I'm not Hillary and Hillary is stupid also" campaign by slamming Hillary Clinton for eating at Chipotle and pandering in a supersmooth way to the Iowans by invoking a local convenience chain: "I have to tell you, I will take Casey's pizza in a car to Chipotle's takeout any time. My favorite is sausage, and I prefer to order and eat without my sunglasses on." OOH SICK BURN.

The Washington Post reports under the incredible headline "Lots of prayer but not many specifics at GOP summit in Iowa" (LOLOLOL) that Mike Huckabee dropped some pearls of wisdom from his Greatest Hits collection: "The single greatest threat to all of our freedoms is the threat to your religious liberty. Let me be clear tonight: I'm not backing off because what I'm saying is true. We are criminalizing Christianity in this country." That is not true, and you are an ass.

And here are two great stories that you can read back-to-back or not at all! "GOP Struggling with Shifts on Gay Marriage" in the New York Times and "Republicans Make Their Pitches to Social Conservatives in Iowa, Emphasizing Marriage" at Bloomberg.

Good luck navigating the cavernous divide between your profoundly homophobic base and the general electorate who is increasingly supportive of same-sex marriage! And by "good luck" I mean I hope you fall into that yawning gap and get eaten by a symbolic monster conjured by your own hatred!

In other news, Jeb Bush skipped the We're Dishonest Bigots Summit and instead met with wealthy people to try to convince them to give him all the monies by being just aggressively mendacious in an attack on Hillary Clinton: Speaking on enforcing women's rights and access to healthcare, Clinton said: "Rights have to exist in practice, not just on paper. Laws have to be backed up with resources and political will, and deep-seated cultural codes, religious beliefs, and structural biases have to be changed." And Bush went after that with this horseshit: "This week Hillary Clinton said that people's deep-seated religious beliefs need to be changed in order to advance her own personal political agenda. Wow. America was founded on religious freedom, and that freedom is woven into the Bill of Rights as the first guarantee."


Rick Perry, meanwhile, was busy with being a criminal and shit. Throw the book at him! By which I mean a science textbook that explains why creationism is not science!

On the other side of the aisle, Senator Bernie Sanders says he's prolly running for president. Okay!

And I'm sure Martin O'Malley and Lincoln Chafee are up to things, too! Go Democracy!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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