Small But Vocal Minority

[Content Note: Misogyny; homophobia; victim-blaming; harassment.]

Hey, it's me, Butch Pornstache, coming at ya live from the seat of my toilet—or, as I like to call it, My Thinking Place.

You know I've learned a lot from you femifarts over the years, and I hope you've learned some stuff from me, too, like the fact that Jean Claude van Damme is not just a man but A WAY OF LIFE. Anyways, we can talk more about that later.

I've been thinking a lot about this whole "small but vocal minority" thing lately, mostly because I keep saying it and my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy keeps hollering at me about it.

For a lot of years, the sound of Tammy yelling feminism at me was my cue to put on earphones and turn up the volume on my Discman, so the dulcet tones of Kenny Loggins on the Top Gun soundtrack could soothe my injured ears.

But I have learned totally on my own after Tammy and my stepmom Cheryl repeatedly pointed it out to me that the women in my life don't start screaming at me for no reason. And, when I really thought about it, that's true. It's almost always because I left a squirt of mayonnaise plopped on the counter like elves were gonna clean it up or because I am being a real skidmark about lady issues.

So, Berlin will have to "take my breath away" later.

I started thinking about all the different party groups I've been a part of over the years, and, to be honest, most of them are a bunch of dudes who are just like me. Straight and white and stuff.

It's not like we deliberately keep women or gays or whatever out of the BMX Fanciers Society, for example, but we don't exactly reach out to anyone else, either. And, even if we did, I don't know if they'd enjoy themselves very much, what with all the jokes about how women or gays or whatever are stupid and gross.

They really are just jokes, but, as I realized after Cheryl said it, some of the guys who make those jokes also treat women or gays or whatever like shit in real life. I know that's a good point, but I'm not sure why.

Anyways. I don't make any of those jokes myself, because they kind of make me uncomfortable these days, thanks to you assholes, but I don't tell my friends to knock it off, either. None of the other guys do. Because it doesn't really matter, I guess? There's no one there to get personally offended.

And, hey, who wants to get called a pussy for criticizing a joke about people who aren't even there? I got enough problems getting razzed just because I call Tammy when I'm gonna be late.

It isn't just my BMX group that's like that, either. It's my ping-pong club, my weed aficionados gang, my stand-up comedy with puppets class, my Tim Allen fans meet-ups. Pretty much every group is a mega sausage fest—either because they started that way or because all the women eventually left.

And when I think about the women who left, some of them just never came back after awhile, and some of them tried to complain about the jokes and stuff, but the joke-tellers were real adamant about being able to tell them damn jokes. They said the women were oversensitive and crazy and inventing stuff to get mad about.

I don't know if you've ever seen men do that to women, but, trust me, it happens!

It's like, why even get so MAD if it's just a joke, you know? OH WAIT. Now I get Cheryl's point about how some of those guys are shitbuckets in real life, too!

I guess sometimes a joke isn't just a joke.

Anyways. It's weird, but it seems to me that it's not the harassers who have been the small but vocal minority. It's really the women who stood up for themselves who are the small but vocal minority.

DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?! Damn right I did.

Cuz I'm right. There's not a lot of women there in the first place, and even fewer who will yell feminism at dudes being rude to them. But there's no shortage of dudes who who be rude, defend other rude guys, or not even say anything, even if we think the yelling feminist has a point.

Math ain't my strong suit, but I'm pretty sure that makes the yelling feminist the minority in these situations.

That sucks.

You know what else sucks? I gotta go tell Tammy she was right again.

In conclusion: I will stop using "small but vocal minority" unless I'm referring to one of you femifarts standing up for yourselves. And I will no longer allow the thought of being called a wuss stop me from speaking up, even if no one is there to hear it. Because being called a wuss is pretty bad, but knowing you actually are one is even worse.

Now, if you will excusez-moi, I have some butt stuff to attend to before I accompany m'lady to a revival screening of Timecop.

image of Jean Claude van Damme doing the splits in the air between two countertops in Timecop

God, that picture makes me think of how much I love America.

Pornstache: OUT.

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