How to Celebrate Halloween for Real Jesus-Loving and History-Hating Christians, by Kirk Cameron

[Content Note: Christian Supremacy.]

Hey, remember how in his new movie Saving Christmas, former teen TV hunk and current peddler of nonsense Kirk Cameron introduced us to the FACTS! about how Christmas doesn't have pagan roots and something something Christmas dancing? Well, he's got some FACTS! about Halloween for your faces, too:
In light of his new film "Saving Christmas," Kirk Cameron is also speaking out on Halloween celebrations, urging Christians to participate in the holiday this year.

..."The real origins have a lot to do with All Saints Day and All Hallows Eve," the actor told The Christian Post. "If you go back to old church calendars, especially Catholic calendars, they recognize the holiday All Saints Day, with All Hallows Eve the day before, when they would remember the dead. That's all tied in to Halloween."

..."Early on, Christians would dress up in costumes as the devil, ghosts, goblins and witches precisely to make the point that those things were defeated and overthrown by the resurrected Jesus Christ," Cameron continued. "The costumes poke fun at the fact that the devil and other evils were publicly humiliated by Christ at His resurrection. That's what the Scriptures say, that He publicly humiliated the devil when He triumphed over power and principality and put them under his feet. Over time you get some pagans who want to go this is our day, high holy day of Satanic church, that this is all about death, but Christians have always known since the first century that death was defeated, that the grave was overwhelmed, that ghosts, goblins, devils are foolish has-beens who used to be in power but not anymore. That's the perspective Christians should have."

Lastly, the "Fireproof" star urged Christians to use Halloween as an opportunity to inform others about God with the biggest celebration around.

"You should have the biggest party on your block, and you should have the reason for everyone to come to your house and before anyone else's house because yours is the most fun," he told CP. "Halloween gives you a great opportunity to show how Christians celebrate the day that death was defeated, and you can give them Gospel tracts and tell the story of how every ghost, goblin, witch and demon was trounced the day Jesus rose from the grave. Clearly no Christians ought to be glorifying death, because death was defeated, and that was the point of All Hallows Eve."

Halloween arrives on Friday, Oct. 31 this year.
Yep. Just like it does every year, thanks.

If you're not familiar with the "gospel tracts" Cameron is recommending handing out on Halloween, you can explore two that my nephew got in his trick-or-treat bag one year. They're obviously terrific.

It's obvious why any person who understands FACTS! would easily see how handing out these masterpieces would definitely make your house the most fun on Halloween.

"Do you want to go to that Halloween party the McAtheistmonsters are having? Theirs is known all over town as the best Halloween shindig every year!"

"Heck no! I want to go the biggest and best party on our block, where they are handing out gospel tracts and celebrating Jesus rising from the grave!"

"Graves are very Halloweeny—but isn't Easter about Jesus rising from the grave already?"

"Yes, but SO IS HALLOWEEN! Learn your FACTS!"

Kirk Cameron's history of Christianity reminds me of the dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, who can tell you how the root of any word is Greek, including kimono. Give Kirk Cameron a holiday or tradition, and he can tell you how Christians invented it!

Given the success of prosperity gospel, it was only a matter of time before consumerist gospel: You are rich (or not!) because god loves you (or not!), and now you need to go spend all your money buying lots of shit from Walgreens! Just like Jesus instructed! FACTS!

[H/T to Amy McCarthy, who is the worst foolish goblin has-been.]

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