Not All Men

[Content Note: Misogyny; policing; rape culture; scatological humor.]

Hey, my favorite bunch of femifarts! Long time no talk about LOVING AMERICA.

A lot has happened to me in the year since we last spoke. Me and my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy had our re-wedding, which was fucking beautiful and shit. And then we had a huge fight at Christmas, because apparently lingerie isn't a gift for her—and I'm like OH REALLY WELL WHO'S GONNA BE WEARING IT?—so we got divorced again, but then we made up on Valentine's Day, because Ol' Butch wised up and bought her something she actually wanted, which I knew about when I really stopped to think about it, because she's been asking for it for three years.

So now Tammy has a top of the line footbath, and we are engaged again.

You know what's weird? Men are always saying that women are inscrutable, but it turns out if you actually listen to them, they are pretty darn scrutable.

Live and learn, my friends!

Anyways, speaking of men, I wanted to weigh in on this whole "Not All Men" business that's been pissing me off, because Tammy and my stepmom Cheryl keep yelling about it so much that I can barely hear my re-runs of According of Jim.

Now, y'all know it usually takes me somewhere between 12 arguments and 50 years to get my head around "feminist issues," and I'm still working on why it is "not cool" according to Cheryl to put "feminist issues" in quotes, FOR EXAMPLE, but this "Not All Men" business is just a total no-brainer, man.

It's like, yeah, not all the guys who fish in Winkle Creek do dumpers upstream, but that doesn't mean I don't wanna barf my guts out every time a turd floats by while I'm minding my own business trying to catch me some dinner.

One shit in the creek is more'n enough to get pissed about guys colon-bowlin' in the water we all share.

And, you know, when I complain to the guys down at O'Tooterly's over a couple of cold ones, none of them is all, "OH BUTCH YOU'RE SO SENSITIVE! NOT ALL MEN ARE SQUIRTING DIRTIES INTO WINKLE CREEK!"

Because all them assholes know that I'm not saying EVERY GUY is doing it. I'm saying enough guys are doing it that it's a damn problem.

Which is literally like one guy or more.

But if one of you femifarts came in to O'Tooterly's talking about "male privilege" and shit—and I highly recommend that none of you do that, ever, just because it would be mega-depressing for you and also I would have a real epic internal battle with myself about whether to pretend I don't know you that I'd lose either way—those same knuckleheads would shout "NOT ALL MEN!" at you faster than Tammy said, "Fuck no!" when I asked if I could wear my favorite Guy Fieri fan shirt to our last wedding.

Thing is, I've noticed—and this goes back to that whole actually listening to women thing again—that women who are talking about "male privilege" aren't usually saying "all men."

And the other thing I've noticed—and this is about listening to men, which is way easier to do, and it's not because, as my stepmom Cheryl informed me, men's voices are objectively more smarter than women's—is that those guys say shit about "all men" like "all the time."

They say stuff about how all men like sports, or all men like cars, or all men don't know how to do laundry, or all men like wrassling with each other in the mud pit behind my best friend Dick Balzac's house, or all men can't help themselves if a woman is dressed like whatever.

To hear those dipshits talk, all men are exactly the same—and we're all dirtbags, to boot.

And I'm no Neil Patrick deGrasse Tyson, but, man, even I know that not all men even dig women. Not all men even like dirtbikes. Not all men even smoke so much weed. Not all men agree on anything, which is why we're always having arguments at the lodge when we're bored about whether we should all go shoot stuff or all go pee on stuff.

Anyways. I didn't want to shoot stuff or pee on stuff, so I'm going to go take my nephew Cody to see Maleficent, because that little weirdo wants to see it bad. And "not all men," namely my stupid-ass brother Buck, will take their sons to see ladymovies, so.

Pornstache: OUT.

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