TV Corner: Scandal

[Content Note: Spoilers, violence, and misogyny.]

image of Cyrus standing in his undershirt talking to James
"I'm just a boy, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me."

Hey, remember when Olivia Pope and her team used to have clients and used to fix things for those clients? That was a weird time, huh?!

Whuuuuuuuuuuut this episode! WHUT. I don't even know what is happening! It was all I could do not to scream and throw things at the television when I had to watch Command and Fitz talk about Olivia like they were two schoolyard bullies fighting over a toy. "It's mine!" "No, it's MINE!" FUCK BOTH OF YOU IT BELONGS TO THAT GIRL OVER THERE AND HER NAME IS LIV AND SHUT UP!


And, of course, everything and everyone else was terrible, too!

Vice President Sarah Michele Palinbachmann killed her husband, and called on Cyrus to help cover up the crime. Devils and hell and 666. And Mellie menaced Vice President Sarah Michele Palinbachmann, because of course she did. But in the most ladylike way!

Quinn extricated herself from B613 after failing to murder Command, only to show up at Olivia's office and find Huck, who told her he wasn't sorry, and that if it wasn't for Liv, he would have pulled out all of Quinn's teeth and peeled off all of her skin, and then he told her she's not a gladiator anymore. Neat scene! So all that was left to do for Quinn was make out with Charlie.

Charlie seemed so nice in Adventures in Babysitting. What happened to him?! Poor Elisabeth Shue.

James tried to tell David Rosen that Mr. Sarah Michele Palinbachmann was MURDERED, but David wasn't all that interested. He did show James a cool test he saved from when he was a teacher in which the student had answered every question with the drawing of a penis, though! It was worth the trip to the US Attorney's office just to see that, I bet.

David got a little more interested when a lady who was contracted to design a phone snoop program for the NSA showed up with a recording of the veep confessing to Cyrus that she murdered her husband. Whoooooops!

Cyrus said ten million mean things to James, totally manipulative and coercive, as usual, and then said he hopes James still loves him. What a terrific relationship. And, since he'd basically taunted James by pointing out he can't beat him, James apparently decided to join him, telling Cyrus he'd stay if he's given the role of White House Press Secretary. Perfect. Great couple.

Abby and Harrison didn't have much to do except stand around, because there are no clients anymore. Sad trombone.

And then there was THE BIG STORY: Liv's mom is a terrorist spy thief monster. I have to tell y'all, I didn't expect a lady to be the Big Bad in Scandal. (And I still kind of don't. I await the inevitable ten more reversals before we arrive at something resembling the truth!) And she killed the men on the President's plane and disappeared into the wind. But then called Liv from in front of the White House lulz. Oh boy.

Meanwhile, Command is pisssssssssssed. Not only did the President take him hostage (and LOL Command's VERY HONEST SPEECH about how Fitz is an overprivileged malcontent who can't appreciate anything because he never had to work for it), but Jake usurped him as the snakehead at B613! YIKES.

But before he ousted Command, Jake told Olivia he loves her, obviously, and cautioned her, QUITE REASONABLY, to remember that even if her mom is bad, it doesn't make Command good. GOOD ADVICE, JAKE. A+.

As if to prove the point, Command tells Olivia on another fun phone call that she will never never NEVARRRRRRRRR get the answers she so desperately wants from him. But she can have all the pot roast she can eat.

So that is pretty much everything that happened! I am left with so many questions! Like: HA HA are you fucking kidding me that hiring James as the Press Secretary is reasonable? NOPE. And like: Granted, my degree in forensics is from CSI Garbage University, but, since Mr. Palinbachmann died facedown and then laid there awhile, wouldn't there be evident lividity in his face where all the blood had pooled? HE HAD SUCH A WHITE FACE. And like: Aren't Abby and Harrison going to tell Liv that Quinn walked in, tucked to Huck for 30 seconds, and then disappeared? What's Liv going to do?! AHHHHHH THIS SHOW!


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