Film Corner: Godzilla

You know how you were definitely just wondering the other day, "When the heck is there going to be another Godzilla movie?" because you'd just watched the Matthew Broderick Godzilla movie from 1998 on Blu-Ray and it reminded you how terrific that movie is, especially the way Godzilla keeps changing in size depending on what the plot demands her size to be? Well, guess what? You're in so much luck, because there is a new Godzilla movie coming out very soon! Just for you.

Ha ha just kidding it's FOR ALL OF US.


David Strathairn's very recognizable and pleasant voice says, to a group of folks in fatigues: "Gentlemen, you are being sent in via HALO jump."

In case you are wondering what a HALO jump is, but don't care enough to go look it up on Wikipedia yourself (and who could blame you), it's a High Altitude Low Opening parachute jump: "In the HALO technique, the parachutist opens his parachute at a low altitude after free-falling for a period of time... In typical HALO insertions, the troops are dispatched from altitudes between 15,000 feet (4,600 m) and 35,000 feet (11,000 m). ...In a typical HALO exercise, the parachutist will jump from the aircraft, free-fall for a period of time at terminal velocity, and open his parachute at a low altitude. The combination of high downward speed, minimal metal and forward air-speed serves to defeat radar as well as simply reduce the amount of time a parachute might be visible to ground observers, enabling a stealthy insertion."

So now we all know what a HALO jump is, and that it is pretty much not applicable to dealing with an angry murder-lizard, unless that angry murder-lizard comes equipped with radar or is like 12,000 feet tall. But it IS applicable to looking cool onscreen, so.

(I'm sure everyone will tell me why I am totally wrong about HALO being the best idea to fight angry murder-lizards in comments. So let me just apologize in advance for the lack of technical accuracy in my review of this garbage trailer.)

General Strathairn continues: "Now, I realize not all of you have had hands-on experience; frankly, none of us has ever faced a situation quite like this one before."

Cut to the belly of an aircraft, where a bunch of paratroopers await HALO deployment. There's a loud beep and the hatch opens. They run out in a big mass and jummmmmmmp, each of them leaving a trail of red smoke.

General Strathairn continues, over footage of the plummeting parachutists: "I would not be asking any one of you to take this leap if I did not have complete faith in your ability to succeed. Your courage will never be more needed than it is today."

We watch them plummet for fully thirty seconds. Just before they encounter the angry murder-lizard, cut to: MONTAGERY!

Tense music. Bryan Cranston goes running down a hall. Hi, Bryan Cranston! Classic scene of a kyriarchetypical military dude in combat fatigues slowly lowering his gun as his mouth drops open at the sight of something in front of him that we can't see. A commuter train is destroyed and people tumble. A pretty thin blonde white girl (Elizabeth Olsen, the Olsen who is not an Olsen twin) hugs her little brother. Confused military folks. An explosion. Jumping. Bumping. A big missile being lowered in front of a US flag. Running schoolchildren. Gasping. Hi, Juliette Binoche! So many people looking upwards with their mouths hanging open! The tense music crescendos then cuts out abruptly.

Cut to the classic monster reveal. Slo-mo. The sound of a crumbling mountain as the monster slowly turns. So much rubble. So grey. The camera pans up, and the CGI murder-lizard, barely distinguishable from the CGI smoke, lifts its heads and scream-roars. Cut to black.

Godzilla. Coming soon.