Ohhhhhhh noooooo. An entire SECOND episode about Governor Cyclops?! HOLY SHIT THIS SHOW. I didn't need one episode catching up with this fucking guy, no less another one!
When last we left Governor Cyclops, aka Governor Brian Heriot, aka One-Eye Bri, aka Captain Murder, he was in a zombie pit with his new replacement daughter Megan, and Megan's mom, SpaghettiOs Sister, was helping her sister and Megan's aunt, Fistbump Sister, limp away from a bunch of zombies, and the whole gang had been greeted by Captain Murder's old lieutenant, Martinez, who has started his own woodland trailer park community.
Inexplicably, given that he has seen Captain Murder gun down his own people in a fit of crazy-rage, Martinez invites Captain Murder and his new replacement family back to Shady Pines to join their crew. Everything is looking pretty good for everyone! Picnic and beer and lesbian love matches for all!
Captain Murder has a terrific conversation with Megan about whether he is good, and whether she is good, and whether bad things happen to good people, and how to make friends and influence people, and who moved my cheese. There are chess metaphors, and, in typical The Walking Dead fashion, those metaphors are VERY GOOD. (Ha ha j/k. They are terrible.)
Everyone has to pull their weight at Shady Pines, so Captain Murder joins Martinez, his lieutenant Officer Cuteypants, and Officer Cuteypants' brother Private Surlypants on supply run. During this little jaunt through the woods, they find a headless body strapped to a tree trunk around the neck of which has been hung a hand-written sign reading LIAR. They then find a second headless body strapped into a lawn chair, this time labeled RAPIST. And finally, on the porch of a cabin, they find the body of a man who appears to have killed himself, with a sign around his neck reading MURDERER. He has a picture of his family, himself with his wife and their daughter, who are still zombie-alive inside, and there is a spot of blood on the picture on his head, precisely where he shot himself.
Everything about this scene is the worst. THIS FUCKING SHOW. No, someone did not take the time to write Se7en-esque signage about the sins of the people he murdered and hang them 'round their necks! Nope. No way. And LOL at the meaningful spot of blood on the photo. Come on! And the goddamn insulting heavy-handedness of delivering Captain Murder to the cabin of this doppelgänger, so he can stare at his own ghost or whatever. Fuck this show!
And we're only getting started!
Captain Murder joins Martinez on the top of a trailer while Martinez hits golf balls off the roof and Captain Murder plays caddy. Sure. They have some garbage conversation about coming back from bad days blah blah fart and Martinez promises Captain Murder he can keep Shady Pines safe. I guess Captain Murder doesn't believe him, because he WHACKS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A GOLF CLUB AND THEN THROWS HIM IN A ZOMBIE PIT! The fuck?! RIP Martinez.
Captain Murder tells everyone that Martinez was drunk and fell in, and they believe him because that definitely makes sense.
Later, Captain Murder, Officer Cuteypants, and Private Surlypants go on a hunting expedition in the forest. They pass a tent settlement, which is somehow secured from zombies by three strings of barbed wire even though zombies are literally tearing down the reinforced gates at Grimes Jail, and Private Surlypants wants to kill all the people and take their shit, but Officer Cuteypants, who has assumed leadership of Shady Pines, overrules him.
They move on, and their hunt yields only three squirrels, and Officer Surlypants is super pissed. Especially when they pass back by the camp and it's been raided by other human beings, who have killed all the people and taken their shit, just like Officer Surlypants wanted to do. YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE.
There are meaningful close-ups on Captain Murder's face. Uh-oh.
Captain Murder wants to GTFO, and tells his replacement wife to pack up their shit, because they're outy. But, because, unlike the Grimes Jail timeline, where nothing ever happens for interminable lengths of time, in the Captain Murder timeline, they are settled in and she has started a nursing station and Fistbump Sister and her girlfriend are totes in love and this is their home and they've never felt so safe IN LIKE TWO DAYS, so SpaghettiOs Sister doesn't want to leave. But she's in love with him, so they get in a car and hit the road. Until they come to a quicksand puddle of gross zombies, and then they turn back. Only one road outta Shady Pines, I guess!
Captain Murder sees only one alternative: He must murder Officer Cuteypants WITH HIS STUPID ETHICS and assume control of Shady Pines. So he does. He stabs-strangles Officer Cuteypants and throws him into a local pond, where he zombie-swims forever beneath the surface. It's the ZOMBIEQUARIUM from Unpleasantville all over again! GET IT?! DO YOU GET IT?!
Captain Murder hasn't changed at all, y'all!
I'm so pleased we had this two episode arc to go in a complete circle, in order that we might all come to understand the totally trenchant observation that some people never change.
Anyway! Something something Officer Surlypants is the new second in command, because he was tough enough to want to murder people and take their shit. SMOKE A CIGARETTE, OFFICER SURLYPANTS, GODDAMMIT! LISTEN TO MY STORY ABOUT MY MEAN DAD! Something something Captain Murder looks at a map for a better spot, even though there doesn't really seem to be a whole lot of reason to leave, based on how they have fun picnics and seem to be managing zombie invasions with pits better than Grimes Jail with its elaborate gate system. Something something Megan gets grabbed by a zombie, but Captain Murder rescues her. Something something SpaghettiOs Sister is completely unaware that Captain Murder is a terrible nightmare monster, and strokes his face and tells him he can't do it alone yawn.
In the final scene, Captain Murder drives a truck through the woods and arrives at Grimes Jail. He sees Grimes and Carl the Hat gardening (TWO PEAS IN A POD!) and then sees Hershel and Michonne jerking around with the corpsemobile. He aims his gun at Michonne. OH NO!
Scenes from next week show that there will be a big showdown at Grimes Jail, and Daryl is fighting with everyone, so we know that he's not out looking for Carol. If Grimes even has a chance to tell Daryl about Carol, or if Captain Murder's appearance is a way of delaying that event even more. Will Carol redeem herself by flanking the Captain Murder gang and somehow killing all of them?!
All's I know is that either Grimes or Captain Murder had better die in this battle. Preferably both.
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