Last month, I brought you the latest exciting news about Darren Aronfsky's Noah, a big-screen version of the Biblical story of Noah and the Ark, starring Russell Crowe, Russell Crowe's beard, and a collection of CGI creatures which are a combination of "slightly tweaked" versions of real animals and "fantastical beings." And now the first trailer is finally here! Huzzah!
Noah, played by white Australian gentleman Russell Crowe with a beard and long hair, awakens to a breezy day and walks outside his hut-home. He stares at a green volcano emitting steam or smoke or unicorn farts. His bare feet are in some black goo. Apple. Snake. Running people. Fire. He sits up in his bed. Phew—it was only a dream! OR WAS IT.
He walks outside and his wife, played by white US lady Jennifer Connolly, asks him, "Noah, what did he say?" I bet she isn't talking about Tom Hardy, who regularly features in my dreams. "He's going to destroy the world," says Noah. Damn, that is definitely not Tom Hardy they're talking about, because he enhances the world in every way.
Some grizzled old man who is almost certainly very wise, played by white Welsh gentleman Sir Anthony Hopkins, wearing a wig that is totally from the Nicolas Cage Awesome Wigz line, says some shit about how if "man continued in his ways, the creator would annihilate this world." The creator? Who is he talking about? Steve Jobs? I bet it's Steve Jobs.
Meteors. "He speaks to you," says Old Dude. "You must trust that he speaks in a way that you can understand." What? That is terrible advice. Being that it makes no goddamn sense.
Noah is underwater. It's so murky! Which is really saying something, because every scene in this trailer is murky, but this water is murky even by comparison. This movie should be called Murk, rather than Noah. Noah has dreamt of water—death by water. Everyone should stop drinking so much water! Is that not what he means?
Lightning. The world is changing quickly. Thunder. A flower grows from the soil. "And I saw new life," says Noah. Earth from space. A giant storm. "A great flood is coming," says Noah, who has shaved his head for reasons unexplained in this trailer. "We build a vessel to survive the storm!"
So, in this version, Steve Jobs doesn't tell him to build an ark, but instead gives him mysterious dreams, and Noah decides on his own that he should build a huge-ass boat. (But not a huge-ass boathouse.) Basically, this is the version where Noah is a Doomsday Prepper.
Build build build. Ark ark ark. Birds. Uh-oh. Here come a bunch of angry white people who want onto the ark. JUST LIKE THE DOOMSDAY PREPPERS ALWAYS SAY WILL HAPPEN! The king of this motley assortment of people who didn't get Steve Jobs' urgent transmission shouts at Noah: "You stand alone and defy me?" And Noah's all, "I'm not alone." MUSIC! BIRDS! ANIMALS MARCHING! THEY'RE ALL GETTING ON THE ARK! Wait a minute—are the animals also Noah's army? Are the oliphants gonna trample the king?!
Snakes slither toward the ark. Bugs amble and buzz toward it. "It begins," says Noah. Yeah, you know what begins? Being bitten by so many snakes and sharing your ark cots with so many bedbugs!
A single raindrop on Noah's face. Birds. (Jesus, is John Woo a creative consultant on this film? "More doves!"—John Woo.) Hordes of running people. "When they come, they will be desperate, and there will be many," says Noah, literally sounding exactly like a paranoid doomsday prepper on the hit NatGeo reality series, Doomsday Preppers.
An army shouts and runs. The king tells them to take the ark. Oh no! Luckily, Steve Jobs has a massive storm waiting for them! SHOULDA BUILT YOUR OWN ARK, SUCKERS!
Noah's wife consoles and pets him. "I see how hard this was for you." Montagery. Hi, Emma Watson! What are you doing in this movie?! Water falls from the sky and SPURTS UP FROM THE EARTH. The ark drifts alone on the murky, roiling sea—and I am once again left to wonder: Why did all the sea creatures get a free pass? The fuck, man?
NOAH: COMING SOON.
Shakesville is run as a safe space. First-time commenters: Please read Shakesville's Commenting Policy and Feminism 101 Section before commenting. We also do lots of in-thread moderation, so we ask that everyone read the entirety of any thread before commenting, to ensure compliance with any in-thread moderation. Thank you.
blog comments powered by Disqus