Film Corner!

Heyyyyyyy, everyone! Remember last year when Kirk Cameron, former child star and current religious annoyfuck, released his one-day only film Monumental, and we all definitely went to see it because he is so smart and we love him so much? HA HA JUST KIDDING! No one saw it and it was terrible! Well, now you can look forward to not seeing another Kirk Cameron film, because here comes another one-day wonder called Unstoppable, and it is obviously a masterpiece.

As you may recall, Monumental was a film about Kirk Cameron looking confused. Unstoppable is apparently the sequel to that film, because this also appears to be about Kirk Cameron looking confused. But in black and white. Artsy!

series of screen caps from the trailer of Kirk Cameron making confused expressions
"Buh? Zuh? Huh? Wuh? Guh? Muh?"

Basically, Kirk Cameron is employing the same insufferable, paper-thin ruse of naive consternation to justify another fake journey of fake enlightenment for the dipshits who lap up his special brand of Christian supremacist pablum, but this time the Big Question he's seeking to answer is: "Where is God in the midst of tragedy and suffering?"

Is the answer getting a sandwich? I bet the answer is getting a sandwich.

Anyway. Roll the video!

Kirk Cameron's face in EXTREME CLOSE-UP. He is a terrible actor, so anyone with the willingness to engage their critical thinking skills in even the most rudimentary way can tell he is affecting a Troubled Face. "Why does god let bad things happen to good people?" he asks. I would love to hear his definition of "good people," ha ha. I bet it's great!

Twangy music. White people at a funeral. Kirk's Big Face (KBF) says: "If god is good, and he is a god of love, and he is powerful enough to stop evil and pain and suffering, why doesn't he?" I should seriously sue this dude for plagiarizing questions I was asking in my second-grade Sunday School class.

Twangy music. White people at a funeral. KBF says: "That is the question that wrecks people's faith." That, and: "Dinosaurs." Which I realize isn't a question. "Dinosaurs?" Picture me asking that with the same gormless expression as Kirk Cameron.

Twangy music. White people at a funeral. KBF, really dialing up the incredulity now, says: "What do you do when the unexpected tragedy hits, and your whole world comes crashing down?!"

MORE WHITE PEOPLE AT A FUNERAL. Is this the worst thing Kirk Cameron can think of that happens to white Christians? Evidence of mortality? When I was a child asking these same questions, I was thinking about genocide and famine and drought (I was a very anxious kid, I'm sure you're all SUPER SHOCKED to hear), and grown-ass adult man Kirk Cameron is wondering why it sucks when grandpa dies? Come on, man.

Blah blah Kirk hits the road to take a journey to answer these Important Questions. "I went on a journey to examine my faith, to be honest and face my questions and my doubts. This is the most personal project I have ever made regarding my faith."

Of all the personal projects he has made about his personal faith, this is the most personally personal of all of them! That is some touching shit.

At this point, we are not even halfway through a video that is two minutes and twenty-four seconds long. There is so much more of KBF posing coercive rhetoricals in an intolerably inauthentic voice, and so much more footage of white people at funerals, and so much more twangy music, and some weird footage of Adam and Eve (?) (I don't even know?) (there's an apple?) (?) (who cares), and then KBF gets to the point: "I want to settle once and for all that life is stronger than death, good is stronger than evil, and faith is stronger than doubt."


I can tell you this: If I were the sort of person who had a very tenuous faith with all the substance of a fairy tale, and I had to avoid any critical examination of it because the slightest insecurity would send me into a fear-rage, and so I really liked pandering garbage entertainment that reassures me that my simplistic view of god and the propping up of my privilege that masquerades as my religion are the bestest things for me to cling to as the reality I cast as a hostile world constantly tears at the seams of my narcissistic devotion to a god that's just as petty as I am, I would probably love this movie.

I would probably give it ALL THE STARS.


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