TV Corner: Sleepy Hollow

[Content Note: Reference to slavery.]

WHUT. Below, the trailer for Fox's "thrilling new action-adventure" Sleepy Hollow, which "is a modern-day retelling of Washington Irving's classic" in which Ichabod Crane "is resurrected and pulled two and a half centuries through time to find that the world is on the brink of destruction and that he is humanity's last hope, forcing him to team up with a contemporary police officer to unravel a mystery that dates all the way back to the founding fathers."

I can only presume some executive at Fox ordered the series by requesting "just a real jumbled garbage mess that renders Sleepy Hollow unrecognizable by mashing it into a supernatural police procedural with elements of National Treasure, minus the charm of Nicolas Cage. Oh, and let's try to replicate that whole ethnic lady sidekick thing they're doing on Elementary. Make it Sherlock Holmesy, too, but not TOO Sherlock Holmesy, if you know what I mean."

Ichabod Crane wakes up from his grave and it's 250 years later. He almost gets run over by a semi truck stumbling out of the graveyard, because whooooooops there weren't semi trucks 250 years ago. "What is this giant steel donkey?!" or whatever. Some guy tells him, "Welcome to the 21st century, Mr. Crane," because obviously. If someone didn't say that, we would all be like, "Where's the guy to welcome old grodybones to the 21st century?"

Also! Because it is the 21st century, Ichabod Crane is hot. What—like they're gonna let an ugly guy play an ugly guy? Ha ha NO. It's been awhile since I read The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, but I don't recall Washington Irving describing Ichabod Crane as an impossibly perfect cross between Bradley Cooper and Christian Bale.

Expositional voiceover about how Sleepy Hollow was just a legend but blah blah fart the truth yawn the Headless Horseman is totes real wevs trying to give totally unnecessary verisimilitude to the implausible premise that law enforcement is investigating the murder of the Headless Horseman in the year of our lord Jesus Jones two thousand and thirteen.

Ichobod Crane says to a cop, "The killer you saw was a Headless Horseman." Cut to the cop telling her supervisor, "He described the appearance of the man that I saw in perfect detail." LOL! Is this a trailer for a comedy? This is definitely a trailer for a comedy.

The cop is a black lady, so naturally Ichabod Crane makes a slavery crack at her. HEY HE CAN'T HELP IT! HE'S NEW TO THIS CENTURY. Presumably, the writers of this garbage heap are not.

Ichabod is also very confused by the ubiquity of Starbucks. This is gold, people. GOLD. I can just imagine an entire episode in which Officer Jane Policesworth (I don't know her name) has to explain a panini maker to Ichabod. "You mean, you just plug this thingamabob into the wall and then press down the lid and two minutes later a HOT TOASTY SANDWICH?! Incredible!"

Oh, it turns out the Headless Horsemen is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Sure. Are there any vampires in this thing? Can we shove in some werewolves somewhere? Ichabod prolly needs a pet direwolf, at least.

Occult. Check. Covens. Check. Magical Bible. Check. Founding Fathers' secret map. Check.

The chief refers to Ichabod as Captain America. Ichabod says, "Who?" HA HA GREAT STUFF. In every episode, the chief should refer to Officer Jane Policesworth and Ichabod Crane (who are totes teaming up, obviously) using a different superhero reference Ichabod can't possibly understand. "You two are like a regular Batman and Robin over here." "Who?" "Go on, hit the road, Lois—and take Superman with you." "Who?" Priceless.

The cops corner the Headless Horseman. A cop shouts, "Put your hands on your h—." Whoops!

Sleepy Hollow. Heads will roll. Coming soon to Fox.

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