Rep. Michele Bachmann Won't Seek Reelection

OH NO! Ha ha just kidding. In a nearly 9-minute video, Representative Michele Bachmann (R-Eallyawful) announced that she will not be seeking reelection to Congress. We're all devastated, I'm sure. Who's gonna hide in the bushes and awkwardly kiss George W. Bush and say ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS now?! (Prolly Darrell Issa.) Anyway, here is the video, which is obviously terrific.

Because of its length, this transcript took all fucking morning to do, and naturally I could not resist inserting some commentary along the way, which is in brackets. Enjoy!

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Michele Bachmann, speaking directly into the camera in front of a library backdrop, while stirringly patriotic music plays in the background: My good friends: After a great deal of thought and deliberation, I have decided next year I will not seek a fifth Congressional term to represent the wonderful people of the 6th district of Minnesota. After serious consideration, I am confident that this is the right decision.

For some, a single two-year House term is enough service; for others, ten terms, or two decades in the House [MATH!], is still not enough service. Our Constitution allows for the decision of length of service in Congress to be determined by the Congresspeople themselves, or by the voters in the district. However, the law limits anyone from serving as President of the United States for more than eight years—and, in my opinion, well, eight years is also long enough for an individual to serve as a representative for a specific Congressional district. [HA HA SHE'S JUST LIKE A PRESIDENT, Y'ALL!]

Be assured, my decision was not in any way influenced by any concerns about my being reelected to Congress. [Of course not.] I've always in the past defeated candidates who are capable, qualified, and well-funded—and I have every confidence that, if I ran, I would again defeat the individual who I defeated last year, who has recently announced that he is once again running.

And rest assured, this decision was not impacted in any way by the recent inquiries into the activities of my former presidential campaign or my former presidential staff. [Heavens no.] It was clearly understood that compliance with all rules and regulations was an absolute necessity for my presidential campaign, and I have no reason to believe that that was not the case.

Last year, after I ran for president, I gave consideration to not running again for the House seat that I hold; however, given that we were only nine months away from the election, I felt that it might be difficult for another Republican candidate to get organized for what might have been a very challenging campaign—and I refuse to allow this decision to put this Republican seat in jeopardy, and so I ran. And I won. And I felt last year the Republicans had a significant opportunity to win both the Senate and the White House, and finally put our country back on the track of greatness and American exceptionalism.

That said, different from some, I've never considered holding public office to be an occupation. I've considered it to be both an honor and a privilege, but most importantly a significant responsibility. And even when it means resisting the policy positions of many in my own political party, I've always strived to be first and foremost a public servant, and do what is best for the people, and never acquiesce to being a political servant. There's a difference.

Feel confident, over the next eighteen months, I will continue to work one hundred hour weeks, and I will continue to do everything that I can to advance our conservative constitutional principles that have served as the bedrock for who we are as a nation. And I will continue to work vehemently and robustly to fight back against what most in the other party want to do to transform our country into becoming—which would be a nation that our founders would hardly even recognize today. ["What the devil is a mobile phone?"—George Washington. "Feel confident, over the next eighteen months, I will robustly try to rid this nation of everything the founders do not recognize!"—Michele Bachmann, via carrier pigeon.]

I proudly have and I promise you I will continue to fight to protect innocent human life, traditional marriage, family values, religious liberty, and academic excellence. ["I will continue to hate everyone who isn't like me, as well as science."]

Whether working in a bipartisan way to gain federal approval to finally build an immensely significant and long overdue bridge in our district, working to reopen a much-needed regional airport in the district, being the primary sponsor of the bill that recently passed in the House to repeal Obamacare, to recently flying to London to be one of three people to represent the United States of America at the funeral of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, who, among her other accomplishments, together with Ronald Reagan, was responsible for bringing down the Soviet Union, to working to alleviate all the stifling economic restrictions that banks and businesses must now endure since the enactment of Dodd-Frank legislation. [That sentence went nowhere.]

I've called out the Muslim Jihad terrorists for who they are and for the evil that they perpetrate upon our people. [Ha ha BRAVE HERO!] And I've demanded that this administration never, under any circumstances, subordinates our national security for the administration's weak version of political correctness. I've identified at the outset of the so-called Arab Spring this administration's foreign policy blunders, and how those blunders have contributed into turning the Middle East into a devastating, evil, Jihadist earthquake. [Whut.]

I've pointed out this administration's despicable treatment toward our great friend and ally, Israel, and, at the same time, giving little more than lipservice to the ever-increasing and dangerous nuclear threat of Iran. Making publicly clear this administration's outrageous lack of action in Benghazi, Libya, and the subsequent political cover-up, which resulted in the deaths of four honorable, dedicated public servants. [That random sentence fragment just literally suggested the cover-up itself resulted in the deaths of four public servants, as opposed to the actions of terrorists. Cool claim!]

I've also called out this administration and the Treasury Department for allowing—and perhaps even for encouraging—partisan, selective enforcement against American citizens based upon their political beliefs that aren't in line with those of the administration.

I've also demanded consistently a balanced budget and fiscal responsibility—that this be a preeminent government requirement, so as to avoid the dangers of a future of financial calamity for our children, and the ultimate risk of the destruction of our entire economic system. May it never be.

My core of conviction on these principle issues, and more, will continue, in a steadfast manner during the remainder of my term and beyond. Because, you see, my decision to seek federal office, both in my initial running for the House and my decision to run for the presidency of the United States, was based solely on my heartfelt concern for our country's future.

Unfortunately, today I'm even more concerned about our country's future than I have ever been in the past. [Soooooooooo why not run again, then? Because only serving for eight years LIKE A PRESIDENT, which has nothing to do with how you'd totally lose nor possible impending ethics charges, is more important than your heartfelt concern for the future of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?!] On so many issues, we're clearly on the wrong track—but, looking forward, after the completion of my term, my future is full; it is limitless; and my passions for America will remain. And I want you to be assured that there is no future option or opportunity, be it directly in the political arena or otherwise, that I won't be giving serious consideration, if it can help save and protect our great nation for future generations.

I fully anticipate the mainstream liberal media to put a detrimental spin on my decision not to seek a fifth term, as since I was first elected to Congress many years ago, they always seem to attempt to find a dishonest way to disparage me. But I take being the focus of their attention and disparagement as a true compliment of my public service effectiveness. [HA HA PERFECT.]

To my many good friends and supporters, I will continue to fight for public policy that is first and foremost in the best interest of the citizens of the United States at large. [Like that regional airport? "THANKS!"—All citizens of the US, for sure.] To my detractors, my work continues for your best interests, as well. [HA HA NOPE!] I especially want to thank my wonderful husband Marcus, for thirty-five terrific years [is she quitting him, too?], our five children, our twenty-three foster children, my family, you, my loyal supporters, and all the people in the sixth Congressional district, for this unbelievable opportunity to serve all of you for these years. [JESUS FUCKING JONES WRAP IT UP ALREADY] And I want to thank god, for his blessings upon the United States of America. You see, it is god who has given me the strength, the conviction, and the personal fortitude to fight to enhance the safety, security, longevity, and well-being of our blessed nation, the United States of America.

I say to each one of you: God bless you, and god bless the United States of America. [Amen. What is the name of this country again?]

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