Shit Chick-Fil-A Supporters Say

Shaker Taylor sent along this video he co-wrote, and it made me laugh for about ten biebillion hours. Per a note at YouTube, please note no money was actually spent at Chick-Fil-A in the making of this video.


[Full transcript below.]

The video is a series of clips of the same young white bespectacled man, spliced together from scenes shot in about half a dozen different locations, in most of which he's pretending to eat a Chick-Fil-A sandwich. He is occasionally joined by a young black female friend. The premise is deeply facetious, mocking the justifications of Chick-Fil-A supporters.

"I like gay people." [shrug]

"I love gay people."

"I don't hate the gays, but people should stop being so sensitive."

"But they need to stop mixing politics and food."

"People should shut up about Chick-Fil-A. Don't they understand freedom of speech?!"

"It's not like his opinion even matters."

[while looking at a laptop] "How do I just block all the posts that mention Chick-Fil-A?"

"Who's Dan Cathy?"

[looking at laptop] "There's another one!"

"If gays can get married, what's to stop me from marrying this sandwich?"

[holding hands with two other people inside a fast food restaurant] "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for everything that you've given to us—this fine meal, this fine chicken, a loving family, married parents, both a father and a mother, amen." [his female friend says, "Amen!"]

[looking at laptop] "I'm just gonna have to block all these people."

"If people don't like Chick-Fil-A, they should just eat somewhere else!"

[looking at laptop] "These status updates about Chick-Fil-A are kinda making me hungry!"

"I wish Jesus were here. He'd go to Chick-Fil-A with me!"

[looking at laptop] "I would suck a bag of dicks for some Chick-Fil-A right now!" [cut to his eating Chick-Fil-A and looking guilty]

His friend asks: "You did go to Chick-Fil-A appreciation day, didn't you?" He replies: "Yes, of course!"

"Record sales on Wednesday? The real winner?"

[cutting back to scene with friend] "But they were all outta chicken, so I had to get six or seven large waffle fries."

"The first amendment!"

[cutting back to scene with friend] His friend asks: "To support Chick-Fil-A?" He says, "Yeah, someone has to!"

[He and his friend pose outside a Chick-Fil-A taking a picture with his phone camera] Together they say, "Smile for Jesus!"

"The chickens are the real victims."

"Chick-Fil-A is the real [can't make it out]."

"Dan Cathy is the one being bullied!"

"Dan Cathy is the real victim."

"Gay employees are the real victims here." [His friend shakes her head; he shakes his head.]

"I have gay friends who work at Chick-Fil-A."

[looking at laptop] "I can't get that picture that we took in front of Chick-Fil-A to load!"

"Why is the media doing the political thing, instead of the moral thing?"

"I love gay people."

"It's not discriminating."

"I believe in traditional family values."

"My money goes toward Chick-Fil-A, which gives people jobs."

[sitting on stairs eating Oreos] His friend says, "You know Oreo supports marriage equality, right?" [he spits out Oreos]

"Did you see where our church is getting a Chick-Fil-A? Does that mean it's gonna be open on Sundays?"

"You know, it's not Chick-Fil-A's views on marriage."

"It's not Chick-Fil-A's views."

"It's not Dan Cathy's views on marriage."

"It's God's views!"

"It's God's views."

"Did you know that these come with pickles?"

"We should call them Freedom Pickles!"

"Oh, mine has two Freedom Pickles."

"Gays hurt my marriage. Last time I slept with a man, my wife wanted to leave me."

"Eating at Chick-Fil-A doesn't hurt my marriage. I can eat here with my second wife and my girlfriend."

"You know, I like gay people!"

"I respect people who stand up for what they believe in."

"It's not like he's Hitler."

"It's not like it's the KKK."

"I just really respect people who stand up for what they believe in."

"I respect people who stand up."

"Boycotting Chick-Fil-A is pointless."

"If loving Chick-Fil-A is wrong, I don't wanna be right."

"When has boycotting ever changed anything? Give me one example."

"Why don't you just boycott all 44 states that don't have marriage equality?"

"You know that because I eat at Chick-Fil-A, people are starting to say that I'm against marriage equality!"

"GUILTYYYYYYYYYYYYYY—"

[lies on couch looking at cell phone and eating chips]

"—YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"Look, I love the gays."

"Why are people so upset about this Chick-Fil-A thing, when there's a genocide happening in Libya? I mean, which one's more important?" [crosses arms and makes face]

"What about poverty?"

"What about world hunger?"

"Or—wait. Is it Syria?"

"It makes me sad to think all the Muppets are going to hell."

[sucks on straw from Chick-Fil-A cup]

"I'm not supporting Chick-Fil-A. I'm supporting the Constitution, which is my duty as an American citizen."

"He's always been my hero. Dan's the man. Oh, I could make that into a shirt!"

"Which is my DUTY as an American citizen!"

"I'm such a good Christian."

"I always base my moral decisions on my stomach."

[looking at laptop] "Chick-Fil-A is apparently a really charitable organization."

"Eating at Chick-Fil-A makes me a good Christian. ... Um, that homeless person is getting too close to my car."

"Chick-Fil-A is a generous charitable organization."

[looking at laptop] "Apparently they donate millions of dollars to the Family Research Council, which is a ... certified hate group? And it employs officials claiming all homosexuals are pedophiles. Oh. That's kinda homophobic." [pushes away plate of Chick-Fil-A]

Text Onscreen: Shit Chick-Fil-A Supporters Say. Starring Justin Young and Alicia Collins. Written/directed by Justin Young. Co-written by Taylor Watson and Anna Hasenmueller. No animals were eaten or harmed in the making of this video.